So, one would think that going to one of the largest and most incredible, populated, busy cities in the world would create a strong desire to work out like crazy and eat healthily. Well, I thought I ate healthy. I made it a point to walk no less than 15 blocks north at lunch before I ate lunch and turned around to walk 15 more blocks, so that I would get some exercise. In the evenings I walked between 15-40 blocks before turning around also. I calculated it and I walked between about 3-6 miles per day.
I ate salads and hummus, made sure to get fruit salad almost every day, ate few "bad" foods, although I ate out for every meal. I tried to eat at healthy, local and fresh-food serving restaurants and did fairly well, but I do know that I made some poor choices. So, I didn't lose weight. In fact, when I started this new job I was 256 pounds. This morning I was 260 pounds. This was in two weeks. Travel days were the worst - I have a history of traveling and eating in train stations and airports, eating pretty much crap. Well, in three weeks I had 6 very long travel days. I know I ate poorly on each of those days.
I feel bloated, gross, lethargic, depressed. I don't feel like I did when I was unemployed but exercising super regularly, eating homemade foods. This training that I've been in is nine hours long, with a one hour lunch. By the time I get back to my hotel (after working and walking) I've been up for about 13-15 hours, and I just don't feel like jumping on the elliptical or treadmill, or even doing 20 minutes of weights.
It's horrible to say aloud how much this job is making me miserable so far. I was made to feel really uncomfortable (by the way of sexual harassment) by someone in a higher up position (whom I will not work with other than the work that has already happened). I met someone from another location who was an absolute D-BAG, who made the weeks suck even more by putting everyone (me) down to make him/herself seem super awesome and amazing.
I applied to a university today. I hope I get in and can afford to go. I really want to go to school full-time and maybe work part-time. I want a job that I love, or at least look forward to going to each day.
I can't believe that I've turned such a corner, and for the worse. A month ago I was feeling okay, feeling like I was doing well or at least tolerantly well with weight loss. I honestly expected myself to be 10-12 pounds less by now than I currently weigh.
Also, my sister joined an online dating site last week and convinced me to do it, so I did it today. Then I read an article where a man said that he won't date women over size 12, 14 is pushing it. He said 16 or higher is just gross. Awesome. What a smart time to join a website, right?
Oy. Does anyone have ANY suggestions or ideas as to how I can pull myself out of this slump? Please reply, Any help or suggestions would be amazing.
02 July 2011
17 June 2011
It's my party, and I'll cry if I want to.
My birthday is here. I hate my birthday. They seem to be getting less amazing and more mundane. Let me explain. Six months ago I moved from the 50 mile radius that I spent 26 of the 27 years of my life in.
For the last five years I worked for a company that I put 150% of my effort into. I kind of stopped hanging out with a lot of my friends because of this all-consuming job. I missed opportunities to go (for free) to Latin America, and things like that because this job was supposed to be my future, the all-encompassing EVERYTHING. Two years before I started that job, I made and immediately spent thousands of dollars on going to more than 150 concerts all over the country in one year, therefore also blowing off some of my oldest friends to meet the friends that I had only for the concert-going period of my life.
As I became more and more overweight I set goals for myself, like "I'll surprise my old friends and show up when I've lost 20 pounds, 50 pounds, 100 pounds, 150 pounds..." and "I'll ignore Facebook [which is where I keep in touch with some of my oldest friends] and suddenly put new and pretty pictures of the thin-me up so they'll want to see me again." "When I get a job that pays me well enough to travel, I'm going to ask some friends to go on a great trip!"
So much bad and worse had happened to and with me during the last two years of this so-wonderful-job that I was left with very few people in my life. I moved, and I ended up leaving the company that I dedicated all of my efforts to. Subsequently, in the last six months of unemployment, it is as if the sh*t finally hit the fan. Now, no one really contacts me on a regular basis, and in return, I have nothing new to contact them about other than "Hi, doing the same nothing today, the dog park was empty today, very unusual! The dog has gas, it's very stinky. How are you? Loving married life? Beautiful children! New boyfriend? Awesome!"
As I stated before, I can't stand my birthday. It falls around father's day (I was a "Father's Day baby"), my father passed away years ago, since I've all but disappeared from all of my friends, I have nothing and almost no one around for my birthday.
My siblings and I never really did the presents thing for one another - for whatever reason it just wasn't like that. Not to sound super selfish, but I received one (albeit very nice) gift from my mother, and Facebook 'Happy Birthday's" from everyone else. It just seems kind of .... disappointing. Then I feel really selfish for feeling like I even deserve anything for my birthday, because I know there are people who have even fewer people and things than I do.
I watch my sister call, text, e-mail, facebook all of her friends - she has dozens of them at home. My brother has the same thing - I watch him and his 'crew' that he has been friends with for literally 15-20 years and I just feel terrible. I finally told my sister the other night about how I feel about my birthday. She had been giving me a hard time about not caring what we did on my birthday, not caring if we went out, not having an opinion on what to do. I started crying in the middle of the restaurant. It was horrible. I'm crying again now as I write about this, and again as I re-read it.
So, as stated in my previous entry, I have pretty much just given up. I'm back to many of my old habits, I haven't given any thought to even doing Weight Watchers at all, I haven't been to the gym in weeks because of that stupid pedicurist. I just don't care.
For the last five years I worked for a company that I put 150% of my effort into. I kind of stopped hanging out with a lot of my friends because of this all-consuming job. I missed opportunities to go (for free) to Latin America, and things like that because this job was supposed to be my future, the all-encompassing EVERYTHING. Two years before I started that job, I made and immediately spent thousands of dollars on going to more than 150 concerts all over the country in one year, therefore also blowing off some of my oldest friends to meet the friends that I had only for the concert-going period of my life.
As I became more and more overweight I set goals for myself, like "I'll surprise my old friends and show up when I've lost 20 pounds, 50 pounds, 100 pounds, 150 pounds..." and "I'll ignore Facebook [which is where I keep in touch with some of my oldest friends] and suddenly put new and pretty pictures of the thin-me up so they'll want to see me again." "When I get a job that pays me well enough to travel, I'm going to ask some friends to go on a great trip!"
So much bad and worse had happened to and with me during the last two years of this so-wonderful-job that I was left with very few people in my life. I moved, and I ended up leaving the company that I dedicated all of my efforts to. Subsequently, in the last six months of unemployment, it is as if the sh*t finally hit the fan. Now, no one really contacts me on a regular basis, and in return, I have nothing new to contact them about other than "Hi, doing the same nothing today, the dog park was empty today, very unusual! The dog has gas, it's very stinky. How are you? Loving married life? Beautiful children! New boyfriend? Awesome!"
As I stated before, I can't stand my birthday. It falls around father's day (I was a "Father's Day baby"), my father passed away years ago, since I've all but disappeared from all of my friends, I have nothing and almost no one around for my birthday.
My siblings and I never really did the presents thing for one another - for whatever reason it just wasn't like that. Not to sound super selfish, but I received one (albeit very nice) gift from my mother, and Facebook 'Happy Birthday's" from everyone else. It just seems kind of .... disappointing. Then I feel really selfish for feeling like I even deserve anything for my birthday, because I know there are people who have even fewer people and things than I do.
I watch my sister call, text, e-mail, facebook all of her friends - she has dozens of them at home. My brother has the same thing - I watch him and his 'crew' that he has been friends with for literally 15-20 years and I just feel terrible. I finally told my sister the other night about how I feel about my birthday. She had been giving me a hard time about not caring what we did on my birthday, not caring if we went out, not having an opinion on what to do. I started crying in the middle of the restaurant. It was horrible. I'm crying again now as I write about this, and again as I re-read it.
So, as stated in my previous entry, I have pretty much just given up. I'm back to many of my old habits, I haven't given any thought to even doing Weight Watchers at all, I haven't been to the gym in weeks because of that stupid pedicurist. I just don't care.
14 June 2011
My outsides are cool, my insides are blue...
I slipped quietly into the night a couple of weeks ago. I haven't blogged, I fell away from twitter and all of my accountability, and got lost in my own mind. In this time, I also gained 2.5 pounds (awesome!!!!).
I was house/pet-sitting, as many of my twitter followers may know. The first week was great - I was cooking and doing well with exercise. The second week wasn't as great: I was running out of money and couldn't go grocery shopping, so my roommate ended up buying a lot of the food that we ate that week (I went home almost daily to take the dog out when she worked, then we hung out, etc). Therefore, we ate out a lot. I off-and-on followed my diet, half-heartedly ate on target with Weight Watchers. Ugh.
Week two of house-sitting was a disaster: The puppy I was house-sitting for tore her Cruciate Ligament during an unexpected and unwanted (on my behalf) play-date with a rough player. This then required a vet visit (with my rapidly depleting bank account ending up empty), and nearly constant vigilance until her owners came home. I didn't mind at all, she's SUCH a sweet dog, but I was so nervous for her, being 12 months old and having this injury. Thank goodness the owners were kind about everything.
In addition to that, during the second week away my sister took me to get a manicure / pedicure with her, because I've had a horrible six months. How is this so bad, you ask? <this might gross some people out> When you get a pedicure they tend to shave some dead skin off of your feet with a razor blade that is made for doing this. My pedicurist straight-up cut my feet up, going way too deep and taking off good skin. I was literally bleeding in multiple places on the back of my heels, and it has been really painful to walk on my heels at all. Two weeks later, today is the first day that my left foot is not painful to walk on, and my right foot is still sore.
So, this all kind of threw me for a loop and I ended up running back to old habits - eating out, eating junk, not exercising at all (partly not my fault). I traveled too, and if I don't prepare, I generally don't eat healthily when I do. Staying with family up north I did okay, but those travel days can incur tons of calories.
I'm also starting a new job on Monday, and I'd be lying if I said that I was super excited about it. As I've been unemployed, a friend of mine helped me get a job at a Fortune 1000 company where he works. Now, not to sound whiny or selfish, but this job is in retail and I spent 5 years of my life trying to run as far as possible from retail. It has bad a history for me, I hate it. I am a great sales person, but I hate sales. These two things will be my job. I figured I'd take the job and start working (and hope for the best), but the stress has also added unwanted eating to my past two weeks.
So, I'm "back." Not fully, but at least I'm admitting to what I've done and what's happened. I really don't want to sound or come across as whiny, because I'm really not trying to be. All of these 'reasons' are probably reasons for me to fight harder. I just didn't. I don't know how to get back on track either... I'm house-sitting again this weekend, then going to NYC M-F for the next two weeks, weekends at home. Then, I'll be at home for a full week and back to NYC M-F again. The next month is going to be a huge test for me. I need to succeed. I'm at a make-it or break-it standstill. Who has thoughts, ideas?
<as I finished this, "Good Life" by OneRepublic came on. Having Biggest Loser 11 flashbacks. Happy thoughts.>
I was house/pet-sitting, as many of my twitter followers may know. The first week was great - I was cooking and doing well with exercise. The second week wasn't as great: I was running out of money and couldn't go grocery shopping, so my roommate ended up buying a lot of the food that we ate that week (I went home almost daily to take the dog out when she worked, then we hung out, etc). Therefore, we ate out a lot. I off-and-on followed my diet, half-heartedly ate on target with Weight Watchers. Ugh.
Week two of house-sitting was a disaster: The puppy I was house-sitting for tore her Cruciate Ligament during an unexpected and unwanted (on my behalf) play-date with a rough player. This then required a vet visit (with my rapidly depleting bank account ending up empty), and nearly constant vigilance until her owners came home. I didn't mind at all, she's SUCH a sweet dog, but I was so nervous for her, being 12 months old and having this injury. Thank goodness the owners were kind about everything.
In addition to that, during the second week away my sister took me to get a manicure / pedicure with her, because I've had a horrible six months. How is this so bad, you ask? <this might gross some people out> When you get a pedicure they tend to shave some dead skin off of your feet with a razor blade that is made for doing this. My pedicurist straight-up cut my feet up, going way too deep and taking off good skin. I was literally bleeding in multiple places on the back of my heels, and it has been really painful to walk on my heels at all. Two weeks later, today is the first day that my left foot is not painful to walk on, and my right foot is still sore.
So, this all kind of threw me for a loop and I ended up running back to old habits - eating out, eating junk, not exercising at all (partly not my fault). I traveled too, and if I don't prepare, I generally don't eat healthily when I do. Staying with family up north I did okay, but those travel days can incur tons of calories.
So I came home from pet-sitting and visiting family, and my roommate told me that the dog has resorted to going to the bathroom in the house in protest of my absence. He is 6 and has not had an accident in the house since he was 5 months old: he's doing it to spite us - he's gone from having me 24/7 to being alone a lot. Literally, I was home yesterday, walked 50 feet down the hall to the trash chute and came back in to him having PEED ON THE FUTON in the time since I left!! Then, I woke up today and he was suddenly pretty sick: according to the vet visit we had to go on today, he has colitis - probably from the dog park or the vet visit yesterday, where he had a check up from tooth surgery.
I'm also starting a new job on Monday, and I'd be lying if I said that I was super excited about it. As I've been unemployed, a friend of mine helped me get a job at a Fortune 1000 company where he works. Now, not to sound whiny or selfish, but this job is in retail and I spent 5 years of my life trying to run as far as possible from retail. It has bad a history for me, I hate it. I am a great sales person, but I hate sales. These two things will be my job. I figured I'd take the job and start working (and hope for the best), but the stress has also added unwanted eating to my past two weeks.
In addition to all of the fun I've been having, my birthday is this month, and around my birthday I always tend to somewhat fall apart. I've never figured out why, but I tend to go off diets if I'm on one, or lose myself.
So, I'm "back." Not fully, but at least I'm admitting to what I've done and what's happened. I really don't want to sound or come across as whiny, because I'm really not trying to be. All of these 'reasons' are probably reasons for me to fight harder. I just didn't. I don't know how to get back on track either... I'm house-sitting again this weekend, then going to NYC M-F for the next two weeks, weekends at home. Then, I'll be at home for a full week and back to NYC M-F again. The next month is going to be a huge test for me. I need to succeed. I'm at a make-it or break-it standstill. Who has thoughts, ideas?
<as I finished this, "Good Life" by OneRepublic came on. Having Biggest Loser 11 flashbacks. Happy thoughts.>
27 May 2011
A little bit o' pity
I'm a very optimistic, upbeat dreamer. I take after my father in that way, my family always lets me know that. I don't regret it though, dreaming. The only thing that I hate about being a dreamer is this: The higher you dream the harder you fall, if you fall. I hold myself to very high standards, so it can be really difficult to go through these "falls." I went through one today, and it hurt...
This morning I woke up with a general feeling of 'blah.' The puppy I'm house-sitting for woke me up at about 6am and I had to take care of the her, and the cats. At about 8:30 or 9 I fell back asleep, until noon. I was so irritated that I slept so late, I was just feeling grumpy. The only way that I can explain how I felt was told to me on Twitter today:
OneHotDiehl Christa Diehl
Three months ago, I applied to a top 25 in US University. I have a 4.0 in 3 classes relating to my course of study, and an overall 3.5 GPA. I originally took a non-traditional route in school, then took a job that I thought would be a great career choice. Clearly not. I want to just stop what I am doing in life now and finish my BA, maybe get an MA. As an older student and a female with great letters of recommendation, I thought that I'd have a decent shot.
I went home to meet my roommate, see a movie and do dinner. I grabbed the mail on the way in and found two letters from the school. I was immediately devastated because they were letters and not packages you get when you get accepted. But, seeing that there were two I thought that maybe I was accepted and was given additional info.
I opened the first letter: standard rejection letter. I opened the second letter: standard rejection letter. I got rejected twice. In the same day. At the same time? For the one spot I applied for??? ARE YOU FLIPPING KIDDING ME? Talk about deflating a balloon (aka my spirit!!!).
I cried, and tried to hide it from my roommate, she bought dinner and our movie, which was so nice. I didn't count Weight Watchers points, but I doubt I went over, getting up late took care of that for me.
So anyway, here's the rest of my pity party, party of one. I have now totally brought out all of my angry feelings: I'm hovering around 260ish still, as I've been for 4 weeks. The job that I am supposed to start was pushed so that I'm unemployed for another month. I'm lonely from the male/female relationship aspect, which always comes out around my birthday, which is in about a month.
I just want to feel these feelings and then let them go. I'm allowing myself to feel this pain. But I'll admit, I'm SO frustrated.. Annoyed. Angry. Hurt. Sad. Self-loathing. Feeling worthless. You name it... Ugh.
Tomorrow is another day. I'll start investigating new schools to go to, I'll work out tomorrow, because I have to, not because I want to... I'm human, and I know that this too, shall pass.
This morning I woke up with a general feeling of 'blah.' The puppy I'm house-sitting for woke me up at about 6am and I had to take care of the her, and the cats. At about 8:30 or 9 I fell back asleep, until noon. I was so irritated that I slept so late, I was just feeling grumpy. The only way that I can explain how I felt was told to me on Twitter today:
OneHotDiehl Christa Diehl
@300toFinally140 As my husband says. Bad words and violence!!
I went home to meet my roommate, see a movie and do dinner. I grabbed the mail on the way in and found two letters from the school. I was immediately devastated because they were letters and not packages you get when you get accepted. But, seeing that there were two I thought that maybe I was accepted and was given additional info.
I opened the first letter: standard rejection letter. I opened the second letter: standard rejection letter. I got rejected twice. In the same day. At the same time? For the one spot I applied for??? ARE YOU FLIPPING KIDDING ME? Talk about deflating a balloon (aka my spirit!!!).
I cried, and tried to hide it from my roommate, she bought dinner and our movie, which was so nice. I didn't count Weight Watchers points, but I doubt I went over, getting up late took care of that for me.
So anyway, here's the rest of my pity party, party of one. I have now totally brought out all of my angry feelings: I'm hovering around 260ish still, as I've been for 4 weeks. The job that I am supposed to start was pushed so that I'm unemployed for another month. I'm lonely from the male/female relationship aspect, which always comes out around my birthday, which is in about a month.
I just want to feel these feelings and then let them go. I'm allowing myself to feel this pain. But I'll admit, I'm SO frustrated.. Annoyed. Angry. Hurt. Sad. Self-loathing. Feeling worthless. You name it... Ugh.
Tomorrow is another day. I'll start investigating new schools to go to, I'll work out tomorrow, because I have to, not because I want to... I'm human, and I know that this too, shall pass.
26 May 2011
Rock piles, cathedrals and self-worth
Hi, I'm that guy, it's nice to meet you. Today's 'that guy' is the guy who I occasionally want to punch in the face, the one who always lives his/her life through quotes, through others, etc. (I love quotes, but not to the extreme.) Today, I become that guy for a fleeting moment as I offer you one of my recently found and now most favorite quotes.
A rock pile ceases to be a rock pile the moment a single man contemplates it,
bearing within him the image of a cathedral.
Antoine de Saint-Exupery
Think about this for a moment, seriously sit back in your chair, pause the treadmill, stop pacing back and forth trying to burn those few extra calories and just think about this. What are we as people? A lot of us are broken inside, or feel like we must be broken because we haven't got it all figured out, or because we momentarily fail. We're "rock piles" in the proverbial sense.
Antoine de Saint-Exupery is the incredible author of 'Le Petit Prince', or 'The Little Prince.' This was a book that I remember from young childhood, and from senior year of High School, where my teacher had us read it. I loved it.
Whoops, I digress.
The point of this quote to me is this: Along with myself, a lot of people I follow on twitter are partaking in weight loss measures: pant-based food diets, Couch to 5K, Weight Watchers, Biggest Loser Club, you name it. A lot of us have days where we struggle. What I feel like many of us are missing is the ability to see the end result within ourselves already. We already ARE the champions, we just haven't necessarily honed all of our skills to prove this to ourselves and to the world.
I posted a little while ago about the Iron & Wine song that I love, where I spoke about secretly wishing that I was already 140 pounds, not wanting the scab (to do the work), just wanting the scar (to have already done the work). We all want that. The thing is, we have to try see the end result within ourselves in our current state (maybe, our sense of worthiness) before just we rush after a number. If we don't, we'll never know what we were looking for, we'll keep running and it'll never be enough.
But you know what? We all slip up, we have temporary set-backs, we beat ourselves up all day long. Yesterday, I snacked like all day. Today, I've eaten healthily and am doing great.
But YOU have to find, within yourself, the image of the proverbial 'cathedral', the person who deserves to be 140 pounds (or whatever your goal is), the person who should be loved today and not in a year from now. Watching the Biggest Loser it looks pretty easy to see others find the 'cathedral' each season, because we see an hour or two of their weeks, they have amazing support. It's easy to pity ourselves or feel self-doubt because we didn't find ourselves in what felt like the instant that these folks did.
So, I post a challenge to you: Concentrate on small wins every hour, every day. Post your wins, on here, on twitter, in your own blogs. A win is as simple as taking the stairs when you really wanted to take the elevator, turning off the TV to go do fifteen minutes of yard work or walk the dog. Eating a piece of fruit instead of a candy bar. Stop waiting for life to find you. Concentrate on the positive, because you deserve it NOW.
25 May 2011
Biggest Loser Season 11 Finale
We all have opinions, some of stronger than others. I have opinions, and I think a lot of them are valid! I was once told that my opinions are either works of fiction or just false, and the person who told me this had opinions that are "fact". Screw that. Here are mine.
The Biggest Loser Season 11 Finale was last night. And if you haven't seen it [i.e. you live in a dark closet with no internet or TV connections], beware, below are some SPOILERS. Also below are my opinions. You're welcome. ;)
A few at-home contestants.
These contestants I followed the closest throughout Season 11
Austin: I followed Austin relatively closely. In the beginning, I wasn't a huge fan of his, but I don't think he was even a big fan of his and I kind of realized that. As he came out of his shell and basically grew up, I became a supporter, and he seems like a cool guy. I was shocked that he lost the at-home prize to Deni, I thought he had it.
Arthur: I didn't really follow him all that closely, but I expected a slightly higher amount of weight loss from him, based on how well he was already doing when they did his follow-up after he was sent home..
Courtney: Love this girl, she seems true to herself and like she cares about everyone. I was surprised that she didn't lose a bit more weight at home, but based on her twitter posts it seemed like she was pushing really hard. She looked wonderful, especially from her highest weight, and I expect to see great things from her!
Justin: Okay, I didn't really follow him that much, but did he seem high as a kite to anyone else?
Jen / Sarah: WOW! Blonde bombshells! I dislike the color blonde (too much like Barbie), but hello hotties! Great job, amazing. Especially Sarah with her 'baby muscles.' Woo!
Kaylee: I'm sorry. Seriously? Really? Kidding? Losing weight is tough, I get it. Keeping it off is really tough, I get it. But did she just go on this show for Moses? Did she learn anything? Throwing weigh-ins was supposed to end when you got sent home! Contestants like this (and Rulon, Dan, Don, Q....) irk me, because of people like the white team (Vance and his mom, oh wait, ironically her boyfriend) who seemed like they really would have done well! #!$%^!#$%^
The Final 4:
Jay: WHAT a champion. This man, the comeback kid was just that. Something wasn't right with him when he came back from his stint at home, but wow did he come back! He looks amazing, and in a daughter/father way - I was so proud of him! He seems like a true gentleman!
Irene: Silent Ninja. As the biggest loser on the ranch, I definitely expected a slightly lower number from her, but she really did look stunning. She seemed "off" last night, which I attribute to nerves. She is a serious champion though, I definitely love her and am glad she was in the final 3!!
Hannah: I will say, if I had to pick one: Hannah was my favorite. There, I said it. Her humor with Olivia is just like mine with my sister, and there is something about Hannah that I just really connected with. She brought light to every tough situation, and I felt so connected with everything she felt about herself. I hope that I can become half of the beautiful woman she has, and like she spoke about, I can't wait to begin dating again also! As straight as I am I have a total girl-crush on Hannah! She's hot! :)
Olivia: This woman, I don't even know where to begin. She started out pretty broken, like she had the world on her shoulders and no way out. Something seemed to click about 8 weeks ago (weeks in the show), and she just dove for it. I don't think that there was a contestant who wanted it more, for the right reasons. She had specific goals: to be able to have a baby, to lose the weight, to get the opera gigs that she deserves, to become the Biggest Loser. In true sister style, she edged Hannah out by such a small amount, and I'm not surprised: we older sisters are competitive & take-charge! Congratulations Olivia!
The trainers:
Bob: Nothing else to say other than I have the biggest crush on this man, wish he was my trainer and friend, and I hope to meet him some day. Also, I hope that when I meet him I'm at my goal weight so he can call me hot like he did Hannah ;) Just sayin'. (adore him, value his opinion!)
Cara: I can't hate her, I just can't. I relate to her with losing a parent, and there's something about her that is earnest. She clearly connected emotionally with many of her contestants. I don't think that she was necessarily ready for this task, and I wasn't a fan of her unflattering dress, but I'm kind of disappointed to not see her try to improve for a second season. A lot of people judge Cara and Brett, but listening to Bob/Jillian talk about the earliest Biggest Loser seasons: They weren't perfect then either. I hope that Cara has learned a ton in this experience.
Brett: I'll admit it, on his teacher challenge, I was hot for teacher. He was a former overweight person, and I really connected to that. With his style of training, I didn't really connect, but I think he was really learning a lot and I'm not sure that TV-editing gave him the fairest chance... But alas, it's been announced that he won't return (nor will Cara), and I wish him well. I hope that he has learned a ton that will help him do well in the future!
Jillian: The lovely, strong, tiny firecracker Jillian Michaels. I think that her strong, loud, vibrant demeanor and yet inwardly mushy heart (admit it) made her a staple in the show. The dynamic will surely change, and like everyone, I will miss her a lot: I'll miss her shouting in the gym, her reactions at weigh-ins, her unwavering outward confidence. What a role-model I have found in her. I can't mourn, as I listen to her podcasts whilst exercising, plan on buying Unlimited at the next possible financially right moment. I await her tweets on twitter like a child awaiting summer vacation, and look forward to seeing her future endeavors.
Anna: Really? I mean, I don't want to judge her yet and I'm trying SO hard not to, but really? All I could see were legs last night. A sports star knows how to train personally, but to train others? I'm skeptical, that's as honest as I can be. I don't really relate to her because I don't know her story. I feel like NBC was trying to attract viewers by hiring her, but then why let go of Brett and Cara, at least they have a season of BL experience! Why not have more personal training time, let Bob lead the trainers, take charge that way? Eh. I can't hate, I just can't. But it'll take some convincing by NBC on my part..
So overall? The finale seemed a bit rushed and confusing, though I was grinning ear to ear for most of it. Not unhappy that Rulon wasn't on, could've done without Q, Dan and Don. I look forward to seeing the next year for the Season 11 contestants. I can't wait to feel like these contestants talk about feeling- the happiness, the euphoria, the new-ness of life. I'll probably start watching Season 12 when it comes on in September. I hope that by the time Season 12 begins, I weigh less than at least a few of the women! <-- honesty.
Please share your thoughts, opinions on the show or on my post. Would love some discussion. :)
The Biggest Loser Season 11 Finale was last night. And if you haven't seen it [i.e. you live in a dark closet with no internet or TV connections], beware, below are some SPOILERS. Also below are my opinions. You're welcome. ;)
A few at-home contestants.
These contestants I followed the closest throughout Season 11
Austin: I followed Austin relatively closely. In the beginning, I wasn't a huge fan of his, but I don't think he was even a big fan of his and I kind of realized that. As he came out of his shell and basically grew up, I became a supporter, and he seems like a cool guy. I was shocked that he lost the at-home prize to Deni, I thought he had it.
Arthur: I didn't really follow him all that closely, but I expected a slightly higher amount of weight loss from him, based on how well he was already doing when they did his follow-up after he was sent home..
Courtney: Love this girl, she seems true to herself and like she cares about everyone. I was surprised that she didn't lose a bit more weight at home, but based on her twitter posts it seemed like she was pushing really hard. She looked wonderful, especially from her highest weight, and I expect to see great things from her!
Justin: Okay, I didn't really follow him that much, but did he seem high as a kite to anyone else?
Jen / Sarah: WOW! Blonde bombshells! I dislike the color blonde (too much like Barbie), but hello hotties! Great job, amazing. Especially Sarah with her 'baby muscles.' Woo!
Kaylee: I'm sorry. Seriously? Really? Kidding? Losing weight is tough, I get it. Keeping it off is really tough, I get it. But did she just go on this show for Moses? Did she learn anything? Throwing weigh-ins was supposed to end when you got sent home! Contestants like this (and Rulon, Dan, Don, Q....) irk me, because of people like the white team (Vance and his mom, oh wait, ironically her boyfriend) who seemed like they really would have done well! #!$%^!#$%^
The Final 4:
These contestants I followed the closest throughout Season 11
Irene: Silent Ninja. As the biggest loser on the ranch, I definitely expected a slightly lower number from her, but she really did look stunning. She seemed "off" last night, which I attribute to nerves. She is a serious champion though, I definitely love her and am glad she was in the final 3!!
Hannah: I will say, if I had to pick one: Hannah was my favorite. There, I said it. Her humor with Olivia is just like mine with my sister, and there is something about Hannah that I just really connected with. She brought light to every tough situation, and I felt so connected with everything she felt about herself. I hope that I can become half of the beautiful woman she has, and like she spoke about, I can't wait to begin dating again also! As straight as I am I have a total girl-crush on Hannah! She's hot! :)
Olivia: This woman, I don't even know where to begin. She started out pretty broken, like she had the world on her shoulders and no way out. Something seemed to click about 8 weeks ago (weeks in the show), and she just dove for it. I don't think that there was a contestant who wanted it more, for the right reasons. She had specific goals: to be able to have a baby, to lose the weight, to get the opera gigs that she deserves, to become the Biggest Loser. In true sister style, she edged Hannah out by such a small amount, and I'm not surprised: we older sisters are competitive & take-charge! Congratulations Olivia!
The trainers:
Bob: Nothing else to say other than I have the biggest crush on this man, wish he was my trainer and friend, and I hope to meet him some day. Also, I hope that when I meet him I'm at my goal weight so he can call me hot like he did Hannah ;) Just sayin'. (adore him, value his opinion!)
Cara: I can't hate her, I just can't. I relate to her with losing a parent, and there's something about her that is earnest. She clearly connected emotionally with many of her contestants. I don't think that she was necessarily ready for this task, and I wasn't a fan of her unflattering dress, but I'm kind of disappointed to not see her try to improve for a second season. A lot of people judge Cara and Brett, but listening to Bob/Jillian talk about the earliest Biggest Loser seasons: They weren't perfect then either. I hope that Cara has learned a ton in this experience.
Brett: I'll admit it, on his teacher challenge, I was hot for teacher. He was a former overweight person, and I really connected to that. With his style of training, I didn't really connect, but I think he was really learning a lot and I'm not sure that TV-editing gave him the fairest chance... But alas, it's been announced that he won't return (nor will Cara), and I wish him well. I hope that he has learned a ton that will help him do well in the future!
Jillian: The lovely, strong, tiny firecracker Jillian Michaels. I think that her strong, loud, vibrant demeanor and yet inwardly mushy heart (admit it) made her a staple in the show. The dynamic will surely change, and like everyone, I will miss her a lot: I'll miss her shouting in the gym, her reactions at weigh-ins, her unwavering outward confidence. What a role-model I have found in her. I can't mourn, as I listen to her podcasts whilst exercising, plan on buying Unlimited at the next possible financially right moment. I await her tweets on twitter like a child awaiting summer vacation, and look forward to seeing her future endeavors.
Anna: Really? I mean, I don't want to judge her yet and I'm trying SO hard not to, but really? All I could see were legs last night. A sports star knows how to train personally, but to train others? I'm skeptical, that's as honest as I can be. I don't really relate to her because I don't know her story. I feel like NBC was trying to attract viewers by hiring her, but then why let go of Brett and Cara, at least they have a season of BL experience! Why not have more personal training time, let Bob lead the trainers, take charge that way? Eh. I can't hate, I just can't. But it'll take some convincing by NBC on my part..
So overall? The finale seemed a bit rushed and confusing, though I was grinning ear to ear for most of it. Not unhappy that Rulon wasn't on, could've done without Q, Dan and Don. I look forward to seeing the next year for the Season 11 contestants. I can't wait to feel like these contestants talk about feeling- the happiness, the euphoria, the new-ness of life. I'll probably start watching Season 12 when it comes on in September. I hope that by the time Season 12 begins, I weigh less than at least a few of the women! <-- honesty.
Please share your thoughts, opinions on the show or on my post. Would love some discussion. :)
21 May 2011
Upgrading? You wish!
There it is. My baby! A car that I want almost solely only for its luxury (Lexus RX 450h), for the fact that it's so quiet inside, it handles well, I bet it's built like a tank. I'll keep the trunk clean, I'll never eat in it, I'll vacuum it monthly, no weekly, no daily, I'll be the best owner ever I promise!!
I was in bed last night thinking about cleaning my car - vacuuming out the 10 pounds of dog hair that I'm sure to find, cleaning out and vacuuming the trunk. Then I caught myself thinking 'whatever, this is just your old car, when you upgrade someday in the distant future, you'll keep that one clean!' But wait, that's never going to happen.
Oh no, the gears started turning. Is that what I always do? Well, I think that's what I do, I put the unattainable on a pedestal: in a completely different context from what the 40-year old virgin says: "..put the p**sy on a pedestal." "I'll eat better, I'll workout harder, when I'm thinner, smaller, healthier, happier, etc." That was exactly my problem.
Why do I deserve this lovely, wonderful, perfect car if I can't keep my own in the shape it deserves? It's not even that old - not even old enough to be in third grade (if it were human, of course)! I love my car. It's not quite a beater, but by the time I can afford to and will upgrade to something nice, I'm sure it will be just that. This car has taken me more than 100,000 miles, it's seen me through some really tough times!
I started doing Weight Watchers knowing that I'd lose weight if I followed the diet plan, and I was doing that - slowly. I said things to myself like "Yeah, when I'm 250 pounds I'll work out because it'll be easier" and "When I am in 'One-derland (the 100-199 pound weight zone, for the non-Biggest Loser fans) I will feel happy and then will even start to date!"
Not to say that I've just turned a corner or become suddenly enlightened, but I've figured some personal stuff out: I have always set goals for myself that I will never be able to, or that will be nearly impossible to attain.
I think that's why I started doing the Couch to 5K, using Twitter, and most specifically blogging. No more excuses and delays: I'll start concentrating on small 'wins,' begin my life now, not when something so unbelievably fantastic happens to me. Because, if I continue living in this twisted fantasy land that I'm in, if these unbelievably fantastic things actually do happen, I'll have no one to share them with!
I pose these questions to you: Why!? Why do I, why do you (if you do), why do we put ourselves through these cyclical nightmares? Do you do something similar? What have been your experiences with turning corners? I deserve this now, YOU deserve this now!
20 May 2011
Don't want the scab, only want the scar
FYI, this post has a slightly more adult theme to it (a couple of edited curse words, basically). Just be warned! :)
So, I'm a bleeding heart (no pun intended, you'll see why in a minute) Iron & Wine fan. I have been since long-before Garden State. For the movie, Zach Braff came to my house, stole all of my music, put my favorites it in his movie and gave me no credit. It was devastating! I'm totally kidding, of course, but it sure felt like that. ;) Especially after people always say 'Oh, do you like so-and-so because of Garden State?' and then I wanted to slam my head through a brick wall.
Anyway, I digress. A common theme. "Let's circle back" as an old boss used to say (nails on a chalkboard)! Iron & Wine have a song called Innocent Bones. I've always loved it. It's relaxing, the instruments are great, and I love the vocals. Here are the lyrics:
Cain got a milk-eyed mule from the auction
Abel got a telephone
Abel got a telephone
And even the last of the blue-eyed babies know
That the burning man is the color of the end of day
And how every tongue that gets bit always has another word to say
That the burning man is the color of the end of day
And how every tongue that gets bit always has another word to say
Cain bought a blade from some witch at the window
Abel bought a bag of weed
Abel bought a bag of weed
And even the last of the brown-eyed babies see
That the cartoon king has a tattoo of a bleeding heart
There ain't a penthouse christian that wants the pain of the scab, but they all want the scar
How every mouth sings of what it's without so we all sing of love
And how it ain't one dog who's good at f--king and denying who he's thinking of
There ain't a penthouse christian that wants the pain of the scab, but they all want the scar
How every mouth sings of what it's without so we all sing of love
And how it ain't one dog who's good at f--king and denying who he's thinking of
Cain heard a cat tumble limp off the rooftop
Abel heard his papa pray
And even the last of the black-eyed babies say
That every saint has a chair you can borrow in a church to sell
That the wind blows cold across the backs of a master and the kitchen help
There's a big pile of innocent bones still holding up the garden wall
And it was always the broken hand we learned to lean on after all
How God knows if Christ came back he'd find us in a poker game
After finding out the drinks were all free but they won't let you out the door again
Abel heard his papa pray
And even the last of the black-eyed babies say
That every saint has a chair you can borrow in a church to sell
That the wind blows cold across the backs of a master and the kitchen help
There's a big pile of innocent bones still holding up the garden wall
And it was always the broken hand we learned to lean on after all
How God knows if Christ came back he'd find us in a poker game
After finding out the drinks were all free but they won't let you out the door again
So the three lines of lyric that I love the most are bolded. I know that every time I get bit I fight back. With PTSD, I generally don't realize what I'm saying until it's too late. It's fight or flight - my brain's in flight, but I fight. I'm getting better though. Win!
The second lyric, "There ain't a penthouse christian that wants the pain of the scab, but they all want the scar" hits me every time I hear it, and I think of this lyric probably 3 times a week. I want to be 140 pounds. Do I honestly want to work it off ounce by ounce, 1-2 pounds per week until I get there? Goodness no! But, I'm going to, because magic wands do not exist, except for in Harry Potter....Those b*st*rds. ;-) Win, I'm fighting back!
To those who feel like they need to fight or flight and are weighing heavily on the latter part, think about the second and third bolded lines: What are you running from? Are you looking for the scar, but running from the pain of the scab? Remember, it was always the broken hand we learned to lean on after all. We can run, we can lash out, we can give up. We learned to lean on the broken hand, we learned to be weak, we learned to give up. So UN-LEARN it all.
The voices of Negative Nancy, Pissy Paula, Bitter Betty (sorry if your first names are any of these!) will visit us all sometimes, but have the option to have last word with them. I'm choosing to Win. Win with me.
19 May 2011
Win, wins, winning or losing
Looking at the context of the current forefront of my 'journey,' I'm going to address my confusion about winning in regards to diet, exercise and really, life.
Clearly I understand the dictionary definition of win... I'm surprisingly bright! But, after tooting my own horn for a moment I have to ask, what exactly constitutes a 'win' in my day-to-day journey?
- I have lost more than 41 pounds in 6 months: I know that this constitutes a win.
- I have shrunk 2 sizes so far: I know that this is a definite win.
- I have reached out via twitter and blogging, to share what I have for so long feared. WIN!
- I have let go of the two biggest stressors in my life: such a win!
- I had mexican food today, had half the rice of usual, no sour cream, no chips! Kind of a win?
I get it, I'm winning in many things...Right?
Today I didn't want to go to the gym. I was dragging. I was a little dehydrated, feeling sluggish after my burrito today (which I had allocated WW Points to and had chosen ingredients for carefully!), the list goes on.
I dragged myself to the gym, walking down 6 flights of stairs to get there. I stretched and then spent a whopping 11 minutes on the treadmill, stopping when I hit 100 calories. I stretched and did some light weight-lifting and jumped on the elliptical for 15 minutes with a 3 minute cool down. I started normally and then became really aggressive, which is different for me. I went as high as 12.5 miles per hour on the elliptical and burned 189 calories.
I will admit, getting to that speed and keeping my speed at more than 6.5mph for more than 10 minutes was a pretty big win for me, (I usually do 4-5mph steady for about 45 minutes). I stretched and did a couple of minutes of additional weight-training after the 18-minute, 189 calorie stint on the elliptical, then I just sluggishly left. I walked up 6 flights of stairs after my time at the gym and that felt like a small win. Was the whole gym trip a loss because I fell about 500 calories short of my usual hour?
How do you find WINs in your day-to-day life? How do they keep you going? What do you constitute a win? Do you see yourself winning only when you lose 1 or more pounds in a week? Is .1 pound loss a win? What do you call a loss?
WIN
–verb (used without object)
1. to finish first in a race, contest, or the like.
2. to succeed by striving or effort: He applied for a scholarship and won.
3. to gain the victory; overcome an adversary: The home team won.
Clearly I understand the dictionary definition of win... I'm surprisingly bright! But, after tooting my own horn for a moment I have to ask, what exactly constitutes a 'win' in my day-to-day journey?
- I have lost more than 41 pounds in 6 months: I know that this constitutes a win.
- I have shrunk 2 sizes so far: I know that this is a definite win.
- I have reached out via twitter and blogging, to share what I have for so long feared. WIN!
- I have let go of the two biggest stressors in my life: such a win!
- I had mexican food today, had half the rice of usual, no sour cream, no chips! Kind of a win?
I get it, I'm winning in many things...Right?
Today I didn't want to go to the gym. I was dragging. I was a little dehydrated, feeling sluggish after my burrito today (which I had allocated WW Points to and had chosen ingredients for carefully!), the list goes on.
I dragged myself to the gym, walking down 6 flights of stairs to get there. I stretched and then spent a whopping 11 minutes on the treadmill, stopping when I hit 100 calories. I stretched and did some light weight-lifting and jumped on the elliptical for 15 minutes with a 3 minute cool down. I started normally and then became really aggressive, which is different for me. I went as high as 12.5 miles per hour on the elliptical and burned 189 calories.
I will admit, getting to that speed and keeping my speed at more than 6.5mph for more than 10 minutes was a pretty big win for me, (I usually do 4-5mph steady for about 45 minutes). I stretched and did a couple of minutes of additional weight-training after the 18-minute, 189 calorie stint on the elliptical, then I just sluggishly left. I walked up 6 flights of stairs after my time at the gym and that felt like a small win. Was the whole gym trip a loss because I fell about 500 calories short of my usual hour?
How do you find WINs in your day-to-day life? How do they keep you going? What do you constitute a win? Do you see yourself winning only when you lose 1 or more pounds in a week? Is .1 pound loss a win? What do you call a loss?
18 May 2011
Being Present
I hate the term 'being present.' I probably hate it the most because I never really was 'present.' I've been pretty mechanical, which I think will explain some of my anxieties and depression, and for sure PTSD.. I just go through life, non-stop, everything has to be right, done right, mechanically handled, etc.
I've lost weight before. In 1994 I went to fat camp for 6 weeks and lost 24 lbs. I went from 140 to 116 and I looked amazing afterwards. I was in middle school, and kids were much nicer to me that year. Boys told me that I looked pretty for the first, and what feels like the last time. But, By 14 I was at about 180 and by the end of high school I hit about 200.
I lost weight at 21 years old (20 lbs, back to 200lbs), but it was all mechanical - I did the diet, I lost weight. Things happened and I ate again: for stress, depression, happiness, boredom, fear, you name it.. In 6 1/2 years, I must have really checked out, because all of the sudden as I've shared, I was 300 lbs.
I went through treatment for an ED two years ago, but I'm not sure that I was present for all of that, or if it was the right treatment. I don't know what I weighed, because I was terrified of finding out. I don't think I lost weight, because they had us maintain (or gain, for those who had EDs that required it).. It was then that I was diagnosed with PTSD, which I've found really causes me to close my mind and just forget, not allow any information in. Literally.
So, the past 6 or 7 years have been a blur, some times more than others.. I was struggling with that emotion vs. intellect that I've spoken about, but I think it's even more-so, I've struggled with being there and being okay with sharing my experiences.
Something is different now, or at least it feels like it is. Maybe it was seeing the number 3 as the first number of my weight, or realizing that I have missed out on so much, maybe it was removing myself from the biggest stresses in my life, I don't know. But this time I think like I'm actually feeling the weight loss, I'm seeing it happen, I'm keeping track. I'm blogging about it, which means that I'm sharing my experiences, which I've rarely done before.
I'm trying to be present during exercising. I'm trying to feel my muscles during their struggle, and remember how I feel afterward. I'm trying to engrain it into my brain what I feel when I put clothes on that are too big. I'm trying to remember that five years ago, I was wearing shirts that fit now, so I probably only have 15 lbs to lose until I reach the weight I was 4-5 years ago. I'm trying to remember that being at a weight from five years ago after only six months of hard work is amazing. I'm finding amazing, strong, supportive online supporters and friends, and this is just the beginning!
I've lost weight before. In 1994 I went to fat camp for 6 weeks and lost 24 lbs. I went from 140 to 116 and I looked amazing afterwards. I was in middle school, and kids were much nicer to me that year. Boys told me that I looked pretty for the first, and what feels like the last time. But, By 14 I was at about 180 and by the end of high school I hit about 200.
I lost weight at 21 years old (20 lbs, back to 200lbs), but it was all mechanical - I did the diet, I lost weight. Things happened and I ate again: for stress, depression, happiness, boredom, fear, you name it.. In 6 1/2 years, I must have really checked out, because all of the sudden as I've shared, I was 300 lbs.
I went through treatment for an ED two years ago, but I'm not sure that I was present for all of that, or if it was the right treatment. I don't know what I weighed, because I was terrified of finding out. I don't think I lost weight, because they had us maintain (or gain, for those who had EDs that required it).. It was then that I was diagnosed with PTSD, which I've found really causes me to close my mind and just forget, not allow any information in. Literally.
So, the past 6 or 7 years have been a blur, some times more than others.. I was struggling with that emotion vs. intellect that I've spoken about, but I think it's even more-so, I've struggled with being there and being okay with sharing my experiences.
Something is different now, or at least it feels like it is. Maybe it was seeing the number 3 as the first number of my weight, or realizing that I have missed out on so much, maybe it was removing myself from the biggest stresses in my life, I don't know. But this time I think like I'm actually feeling the weight loss, I'm seeing it happen, I'm keeping track. I'm blogging about it, which means that I'm sharing my experiences, which I've rarely done before.
I'm trying to be present during exercising. I'm trying to feel my muscles during their struggle, and remember how I feel afterward. I'm trying to engrain it into my brain what I feel when I put clothes on that are too big. I'm trying to remember that five years ago, I was wearing shirts that fit now, so I probably only have 15 lbs to lose until I reach the weight I was 4-5 years ago. I'm trying to remember that being at a weight from five years ago after only six months of hard work is amazing. I'm finding amazing, strong, supportive online supporters and friends, and this is just the beginning!
16 May 2011
Roller coaster motivation
I've been unemployed for a while. This has led to an off-and-on inspired, lazy, energetic, lethargic, up, down, roller coaster lifestyle for a couple of months. Luckily, I've pretty much stuck to my diet, and whereas I could be healthier than I am, I am working towards that, it's tough to stay motivated on an even level.
With what I think is my PTSD and anxiety rearing their ugly heads, I notice that sometimes I'll put things off that are very important. For example, I needed to get a document notarized and sent off with other documents, and could have done this two weeks ago. Instead, I waited until what I realize could be the last possible moment to get it done and still meet the deadline. Now, I ended up paying extra money for it, and am now going to be on edge about it until I hear back.
Sometimes, like last week, I'll have 200% motivation and focus. Now herein lies the question: who has had this type of roller coaster motivation and conquered it? How did you do that?
With what I think is my PTSD and anxiety rearing their ugly heads, I notice that sometimes I'll put things off that are very important. For example, I needed to get a document notarized and sent off with other documents, and could have done this two weeks ago. Instead, I waited until what I realize could be the last possible moment to get it done and still meet the deadline. Now, I ended up paying extra money for it, and am now going to be on edge about it until I hear back.
Sometimes, like last week, I'll have 200% motivation and focus. Now herein lies the question: who has had this type of roller coaster motivation and conquered it? How did you do that?
14 May 2011
My NEW (second) blog!
I created a second blog. This blog is for day-to-day happenings, stress, weight loss, happiness, etc. The new one, is to specifically follow my new love (ideal) of plant-based dieting.
The link is here: Making Monumental Success Personal. The reason it's called that is because of 'The China Study,' a book by the Drs. Campell and actually study done in China. At the recommendation on twitter by the lovely Bob Harper, I saw the documentary 'Forks over Knives' today. I needed to get away from my mind, and my goodness now I can't wait to get away from my current lifestyle!
The other blog will probably only be a couple of posts per week, and will contain mainly food and plant-based food information (i.e. recipes that I like, hate, try, etc). I'm trying to come up with a structure and I think that I might do 1 recipe per week, and give myself a time limit until I'm eating like 90% plant-based foods or something. I'm toying with the structure, trying to see how I can incorporate it into my current Weight Watchers plan, etc. I'm so excited though!! :)
Bitter effing Betty.
Okay, so I like to think of myself as a generally positive person. I'm kind, considerate, I'm taking control of my life and diet, blah blah blah. But I have a long fuse with a short warning. This means that I can be treated like crap for a really long time before I just snap. My roommate has a crazy schedule. She works nights and days, has a crazy sleep schedule, etc.
When I make a commitment, I stick to it. When my roommate makes a commitment that has to do with work, or people outside the apartment, she sticks to it. When it comes to us, she could give a sh*t. Interactive alarm clock wake-ups, this being me baby-sitting her bedside until she wakes up and an hour later actually GETS up, is only fun like once in a while. I have mentioned this, asked her to set her own alarms, etc. Basically, I mother her, I cook, I do the dishes. The dog that I talk about is hers, but I take care of him because she doesn't. She instead sleeps for 10 hours a night while I'm exercising her dog for 2 hours a day. This has been a building issue.
Today we had a commmitment. Someone (a person in my life, not hers) paid $50 for us to do a charity walk. She stayed up all night, going to bed only 30 minutes before we had to get dressed, and then bailed on me, ignoring me as I'm trying to wake her up. So after 45 minutes I screamed "enjoy your sleep you f**king princess!!!" and left. I had to explain the problem and the people we were with weren't pleased, especially as I had to pay them back.
So, on top of this I weigh in at 263 this AM. Are you f-ing kidding me!?!?!?!? That's 3.2 pounds heavier than my elated day 2 mornings ago. I was finally out of the blasted 260s and that happened. I have been working out at 400-1200 calories per workout, 5 days in a row. I know that it could be h2O retention or muscle gain, but I'm so frustrated with my week as a whole that this just made me so angry. Dumb!!!!
Anyway, there is my rant. I'm so mad. But, I left the house and am going to see "Forks over Knives" I think it's called, as suggested by the lovely Bob Harper. Additionally, I typed this on my phone, I take no credit for spelling and grammar errors!!! I hope all of your Saturday's go much better than mine is so far!!!
When I make a commitment, I stick to it. When my roommate makes a commitment that has to do with work, or people outside the apartment, she sticks to it. When it comes to us, she could give a sh*t. Interactive alarm clock wake-ups, this being me baby-sitting her bedside until she wakes up and an hour later actually GETS up, is only fun like once in a while. I have mentioned this, asked her to set her own alarms, etc. Basically, I mother her, I cook, I do the dishes. The dog that I talk about is hers, but I take care of him because she doesn't. She instead sleeps for 10 hours a night while I'm exercising her dog for 2 hours a day. This has been a building issue.
Today we had a commmitment. Someone (a person in my life, not hers) paid $50 for us to do a charity walk. She stayed up all night, going to bed only 30 minutes before we had to get dressed, and then bailed on me, ignoring me as I'm trying to wake her up. So after 45 minutes I screamed "enjoy your sleep you f**king princess!!!" and left. I had to explain the problem and the people we were with weren't pleased, especially as I had to pay them back.
So, on top of this I weigh in at 263 this AM. Are you f-ing kidding me!?!?!?!? That's 3.2 pounds heavier than my elated day 2 mornings ago. I was finally out of the blasted 260s and that happened. I have been working out at 400-1200 calories per workout, 5 days in a row. I know that it could be h2O retention or muscle gain, but I'm so frustrated with my week as a whole that this just made me so angry. Dumb!!!!
Anyway, there is my rant. I'm so mad. But, I left the house and am going to see "Forks over Knives" I think it's called, as suggested by the lovely Bob Harper. Additionally, I typed this on my phone, I take no credit for spelling and grammar errors!!! I hope all of your Saturday's go much better than mine is so far!!!
11 May 2011
checking in
I went to the local island again to walk with the dog; we walked for 70 minutes. It was probably 3.0 - 3.5 mph, with bits of jogging thrown in. I averaged (according to an online calculator and averaging), approximately 600 calories.
After I got back I was tired. I stupidly sat down for a minute and so did not want to move. I got up anyway and forced myself down to the gym, because I already made that promise to myself. I did the elliptical for 50 minutes, for 563 calories. 1163 calories is pretty good for a day! :)
That all being said, I'm feeling pretty good about it! :) My shin bone hurts a lot right underneath the skin, so I'm kind of wondering if I am developing a shin-splint, which I've never had before. I'm probably going to skip any jogging, and do a slightly lighter activity tomorrow, which will be day 5 in a row of activity :) .. It will be raining for almost a week beginning tomorrow night, so I think I'll take Friday as a rest day before my Saturday 3-mile walk.
I need to focus on stretching a lot more. I can't figure out why my muscles are so tight and aren't loosening up at all. I also feel kind of dumb that I'm proud of myself for exercising for 4 days in a row so far, because it's such a small accomplishment. But oh well. Bed time! :) Night!
After I got back I was tired. I stupidly sat down for a minute and so did not want to move. I got up anyway and forced myself down to the gym, because I already made that promise to myself. I did the elliptical for 50 minutes, for 563 calories. 1163 calories is pretty good for a day! :)
That all being said, I'm feeling pretty good about it! :) My shin bone hurts a lot right underneath the skin, so I'm kind of wondering if I am developing a shin-splint, which I've never had before. I'm probably going to skip any jogging, and do a slightly lighter activity tomorrow, which will be day 5 in a row of activity :) .. It will be raining for almost a week beginning tomorrow night, so I think I'll take Friday as a rest day before my Saturday 3-mile walk.
I need to focus on stretching a lot more. I can't figure out why my muscles are so tight and aren't loosening up at all. I also feel kind of dumb that I'm proud of myself for exercising for 4 days in a row so far, because it's such a small accomplishment. But oh well. Bed time! :) Night!
Mid-week weigh-in, coming clean.
I'll start this off by saying that I never talk about food or eating with people. I was in treatment for an ED once (compulsive overeating) and other than in group and personal therapy there, I haven't talked about it... On that train of thought, I haven't actually BINGED (like 2k+ calories binged) in at least a 6-9 months, so I have been doing well, other than still slightly over-eating, occasional stress or emotional eating, or just eating the wrong foods etc. I've been keeping track of things relatively well. Working on getting better.
My weekly online Weight Watchers weigh-ins are on Sundays. I haven't been exercising and it was catching up to me. I didn't lose any week last week (261.4 to 261.4). So on Sunday and Monday, I decided to go exercising with the dog, and I did each day; it felt great! I didn't eat all that much during the day on Monday. That night, I had a huge binge with my roommate who did the same thing. For no reason other than we were watching TV, bored, and ate pizza from the box instead of civilized using plates!!
Over the course of two hours I ate half an order of cheese fries and an entire medium (12") cheese pizza. OMFG!!!!! I didn't sleep Monday night, at all. I actually stayed up the entire night and read a book, feeling like I absolutely wanted to die. How could I have done this so regularly before!? I mean, I used to almost do it daily!! I felt sick until Tuesday at about 1pm.
As I've now blogged about 34 times about it, y'all will know that I had a 712 calorie workout yesterday and I felt pretty amazing. Today I'm going to bring the dog out to the island we've been going to do and do it again. After that, I'm going to spend some time at the gym and try to do at least 30 minutes on the elliptical, to keep at a 700+ calorie daily daily output.
Today when I woke up I weight myself again, to see if the damage was really done: 260.8. I'm so relieved. I forgive myself for Monday and am going to count it as a lesson learned. This entire week I'm going to try to make up for it and I want to lose at least 2 pounds from my Sunday weigh-in. I deserve forgiveness, I expect hard work, and I deserve to lose 2 pounds!!
My weekly online Weight Watchers weigh-ins are on Sundays. I haven't been exercising and it was catching up to me. I didn't lose any week last week (261.4 to 261.4). So on Sunday and Monday, I decided to go exercising with the dog, and I did each day; it felt great! I didn't eat all that much during the day on Monday. That night, I had a huge binge with my roommate who did the same thing. For no reason other than we were watching TV, bored, and ate pizza from the box instead of civilized using plates!!
Over the course of two hours I ate half an order of cheese fries and an entire medium (12") cheese pizza. OMFG!!!!! I didn't sleep Monday night, at all. I actually stayed up the entire night and read a book, feeling like I absolutely wanted to die. How could I have done this so regularly before!? I mean, I used to almost do it daily!! I felt sick until Tuesday at about 1pm.
As I've now blogged about 34 times about it, y'all will know that I had a 712 calorie workout yesterday and I felt pretty amazing. Today I'm going to bring the dog out to the island we've been going to do and do it again. After that, I'm going to spend some time at the gym and try to do at least 30 minutes on the elliptical, to keep at a 700+ calorie daily daily output.
Today when I woke up I weight myself again, to see if the damage was really done: 260.8. I'm so relieved. I forgive myself for Monday and am going to count it as a lesson learned. This entire week I'm going to try to make up for it and I want to lose at least 2 pounds from my Sunday weigh-in. I deserve forgiveness, I expect hard work, and I deserve to lose 2 pounds!!
10 May 2011
This I Believe, This I Deserve.
I love http://thisibelieve.org/ There are so many powerful essays that speak to so many different types of people. I listened to a Jillian Michaels' podcast today, and as I mentioned in a prior blog, she asked the woman who called in to the show what she wanted, what she deserved in losing weight. This is what I believe, this is what I deserve.
I believe that I am worth it. I believe in myself. I believe that I am intelligent, witty, kind, beautiful, and as many people have told me: the spark that lights up any room that I enter
This is a recent phenomenon for me, as before about a year ago I only sought acceptance and love from others. I cared more about what others thought of me than what I have thought of myself. I always wanted to lose weight FOR so-and-so, BECAUSE so-and-so might love or appreciate me, IF xyz happened in my life, you name it, I excused it.
In my teen and young-adult years, I always had adult men say things like "Oh, if I were only 5/10/20 years younger .... If we only met at the right time ... You'd have been my first choice if I wasn't already married, dating, there was no age difference, etc... Someone wonderful will come along for you..." I have had experiences that I'd much rather forget, and I haven't met one man who truly cares enough about me or respects me enough to deserve me.
Now, I imagine Bob Harper & Jillian Michaels from The Biggest Loser (who, yes, I've put on a very tall pedestal) would say to me something along the lines of: "Cut the crap. What's blocking you? Get up, get moving, get over it!" So, that's what I'm attempting.
In the past year I have lost my job, lost nearly 40 pounds (that took at least 3 years to gain) and lost what I thought was my sanity, but what turned out to be the exact opposite. I lost some things that were holding me back, now I'm trying to shed the rest.
For the future, this I deserve:
• I deserve a body that matches my wonderful personality.
• I deserve a body and mind that work together, and not against one another.
• I deserve unwavering self-confidence.
• I deserve to live in a world where I am not fighting PTSD on an hourly or daily basis.
• I deserve to walk down a street and not feel judged, most of the judgement coming from within.
• I deserve to feel sexy and confident in a Little Black Dress.
• I deserve to walk into a store and pick out fashionable clothes, not flower print tops meant for the elderly.
• I deserve to feel love from a man, with a connection that I've never had, in a way that I've never loved.
• I deserve to love myself over all others, unselfishly and fiercely.
This I believe: I am fighting a battle that will take a long time to win. I believe that I am strong enough to fight it, if I just continue to believe in myself and ask for help. I believe that I will have good days and bad days. I believe that although there are days that I will want to hide under my old fat-suit, but I know that it's an escape. I believe that I will succeed, and that I will bring many people up with me. I want this, all of this I believe.
All this for a banana!?
I came back from the gym and felt great. I was about to get in the shower when I realized I was ravenous. I went into the kitchen for a banana. Something smelled a bit funky, like a slightly decaying food item, near where I keep wine and cookbooks. Gross, I had to investigate.
I pulled the wine rack forward by about 2-3" and the largest bottle I've ever had in my kitchen (an inexpensive 2009 pinot grigio for the curious), which was laying on top slid back against the wall and just cracked open.
Wine was gushing everywhere, into two drawers and two cabinets, soaking everything in its path. All pots and pans, all utensils, measuring items, everything was just soaked. My legs and feet were covered in wine, the drawers were like a pinot grigio swimming pool.
I moved back and forth from the trash can to the sink to the counter to the cabinets and vice versa. It took about 2/3 of a roll of paper towels and 20 minutes to mop up the mess. It'll take two loads in the dishwasher to ensure that everything is cleaned and not sticky and/or gross. In all of this, I only wanted a banana. Story of my life! :)
Jillian Michaels
I just sent a tweet announcing the fact that I'd be skipping my workout today: I have been up since yesterday AM, am sore, etc. I immediately saw a tweet from @JMRadioShow: "Think you've hit a plateau? Think again! Check out @JillianMichaels advice on her latest podcast, available now! http://bit.ly/fWv8DV".
Immediately I felt guilty that I was going to skip all forms of exercise today and decided to go to the gym. I put on an XL shirt that never fit before (score!) and an XL set of exercise pants that didn't quite fit, but which I wore anyway.
In the gym first thing I see is @Ali_Sweeney on the TV. I smiled, thinking 'yep, this is right.' I get on an elliptical and turn on the TV. Listening to the podcast, I hear @JillianMichaels say 'Weight Watchers' just as I look up at the @WeightWatchers commercial playing on TV. Again, it felt right.
The workout was so easy, very steady. I did 45 minutes on the elliptical and 16 on the treadmill, for a total of 712 calories. I kept watching myself in the mirror, feeling self-loathing regarding my appearance and happiness regarding my current weight loss. As usual, former demons crept in and out, trying to almost taunt me into giving up and stopping the workout.
This came to me: My brain did this to my body, my body didn't ask for it. The 140 pound version of me living in the light at the end of the tunnel loves working out. The demon on the other shoulder, the one who has been winning for so long, tries to keep me fat, safe from taking chances, safe from actually living my life... Like it wants me all to its' self. My brain let this second voice have the stronger influence on me, but I'm done and I hope I can stick to these guns.
In Jillian's radio show, she asked the woman who called in what she deserved, what she wanted, why she wanted to lose 70 pounds. I immediately started typing along on my phone, things that I wanted for myself, things I deserve. That'll be another blog, hopefully coming tonight.
The moral of my day, I think, is that yes the work that I've put in is amazing, but I constantly struggle with my brain. Clearly, if I can conquer my two sides, my PTSD symptoms, my 'demon-side' that is constantly putting me down, this will become so much easier. The question is... How?
06 May 2011
Best things happen in threes
This post is specifically because things happen in threes, and I've posted two entries. I tend to do things in bulk.
Today I went Grocery shopping. Yesterday Kate Middleton, who I need to start remembering to call 'the Duchess of Cambridge' went grocery shopping. They speculated about if she was cooking something special for Prince William. She had people photograph her and it was front page news:
No one photographed me except for the probable security system at the grocery store. I cooked for my sister and it wasn't the same amount of special!? What a let down!!!! I love her shoes. I opted for sneakers.
Also, I wish my hair did that.
Today I went Grocery shopping. Yesterday Kate Middleton, who I need to start remembering to call 'the Duchess of Cambridge' went grocery shopping. They speculated about if she was cooking something special for Prince William. She had people photograph her and it was front page news:
No one photographed me except for the probable security system at the grocery store. I cooked for my sister and it wasn't the same amount of special!? What a let down!!!! I love her shoes. I opted for sneakers.
Also, I wish my hair did that.
Shaving and maybe a little TMI.
You would think that I work for Head & Shoulders for what I'm about to say, but I don't. I'm not endorsed by them.
OH MY GOSH. Washing your face with Head & Shoulders is like magic. I now only shave my legs with Head & Shoulders' shampoo. I think it's the zinc that makes it so smooth, but I've never in my life felt better than after I use Head & Shoulders. I hate shaving cream because it really clogs the razor. I've used shampoo and conditioner in the past, but never a specific brand. with the H & S, I felt like I had the closest shave ever.
About a month ago someone suggested it to me and gave me the "Sensitive Care" Head & Shoulders type of shampoo. I tried it on my face, and since then I use it like 3-5 times a week in place of my regular AM or PM face wash.
Try it. Seriously. It may or may not change your life. :)
OH MY GOSH. Washing your face with Head & Shoulders is like magic. I now only shave my legs with Head & Shoulders' shampoo. I think it's the zinc that makes it so smooth, but I've never in my life felt better than after I use Head & Shoulders. I hate shaving cream because it really clogs the razor. I've used shampoo and conditioner in the past, but never a specific brand. with the H & S, I felt like I had the closest shave ever.
About a month ago someone suggested it to me and gave me the "Sensitive Care" Head & Shoulders type of shampoo. I tried it on my face, and since then I use it like 3-5 times a week in place of my regular AM or PM face wash.
Try it. Seriously. It may or may not change your life. :)
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