Caffeine no more.

I have been looking more seriously at the changes that I need to make. Diet, exercise, healthy living.  Everything just seems so overwhelming.  Two weeks ago I decided to cut out one thing that is affecting me: caffeine.  I'm not someone who drinks six cups of coffee per day, but I do drink a grande cup of Starbucks soy chai each morning (sometimes two in a day!).  When I don't drink it, I find myself suffering by noon.   I started researching some of the side effects of caffeine.  Anxiety is one that stuck out;  I have self-diagnosed PMDD, so in my research I saw that caffeine is pretty bad for someone with PMDD.  I also go through the "crash" during the day where I feel terrible, am groggy, etc.  So I decided to quit my super expensive habit of drinking Starbucks. 

The first day failed as I had my chai before work; my co-workers were really hard on me because they knew what my plans were.  The next day I succeeded.  I had a headache by noon, and took two naps at two hours each; it was difficult to say the least.  Day two I slept later than usual by about two hours (9:30am). I felt okay in the morning, but knew that once I was a few hours past my first normal dose of caffeine, I'd feel the side-effects.  Yep, I dragged myself to work and had an exhausting day.  My muscles hurt everywhere and I felt dehydrated, no matter how much water I drank.  I felt out of it the whole day, and my co-workers, boss and even a random customer asked me what was wrong. 

Day three was still exhausting -- all of my muscles ached, I felt tired all day and I still felt like I was in a funk.  My boss wanted to strangle me.  I was annoyed and had a shorter fuse than normal, which was tough because I've made some huge personal strides at work lately. 

The rest of the first week went okay; I found that I stopped enjoying the breakfast sandwich I normally got from Starbucks, because the two items usually go together and it just wasn't the same.  It left me with positive and confused feelings all at once; I have stopped spending $7-8 per day on Starbucks, but my routine was always to start there.  I usually start my day with a drive with my dog so that can have something exciting to do.  I do this because he used to get sick quite frequently when I took him to the dog park.  So, what now?  I substituted other things - Subway breakfast sandwich, a stop off to get a bagel, etc.  So, it is just confusing. 

I've just completed the second week of being caffeine (well, Chai) free.  The end of my first week, and the beginning of the second week were interesting. I have noticed that I'm more depressed lately and I'm much more lethargic. I kind of miss the jolt in the morning where I have a great bolt of energy, but I don't miss the afternoon lull or the sweating and rapid heartbeat if I drank chai too quickly.   I'm moving in a couple of months to another city, and my life and my job are almost up in the air which are most likely contributing factors, but I can't help but think that the lack caffeine is not helping me.   I don't want to start drinking it again, and I look forward to see how I can progress. 

On the road again..

I'm back.  It's late and so this entry will be short.  I can't believe I haven't blogged in over six months.  I have been cruising down a long road of unhealthy eating and living an inactive lifestyle.  It has to stop. In approximately seven months I will be 30; before this date I have committed to two goals: 

Definite Goal: 
  - to lose 30 pounds by my 30th birthday

Hopeful Goal: 
  - to lose 60 pounds by my 30th birthday. 

Every time I think about weight I get anxiety.  Something small and that I don't even remember now happened earlier today and my immediate thought was 'god I want to house a chocolate bar'.  I haven't binged in a long time (since before I stopped blogging) and I have just spent the last six months eating a lot of mall-type food (food court food etc). 

I also can't believe that I have gained about 13 pounds in six months! I really thought it was only 5 or 6 and it's really stressing me out.  I'm trying to let it go and just move on, but it's stressful...  I re-joined Weight Watchers tonight and am going to start planning and grocery shopping tomorrow and start my fist official full day on Thursday 13 December.  I hope to lose 5 pounds before Christmas. I have a relatively high goal because I know that it's easy to lose a few pounds in your first week.  I'm back up to 279 pounds or so, and I last weighed in here at 266.  Wow.  by the end of January I would like to be around 260-264. 

How have you come back from a long hiatus and succeeded? How have you changed your mindset? I'm kind of desperate for some advice at this point! :/

PTSD

I've been dreading talking about this. I can't hide behind it anymore, as much as I want to. About 18 months ago, I was diagnosed with PTSD. Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder.  Without going into too many details, there have been about 5-6 separate traumatic events or time-periods over the span of 20 years that have taken me from 'great' to 'okay' to 'bad' to 'worse' to 'bloody awful,' where I sit now.

I grew up a bubbly, outgoing, fun, a total dreamer, caring, prepared for anything kind of girl.  In high school, I was voted most likely to go into the Peace Corps. I was in half a dozen choirs, head of many community service events, you name it and I had my hand in it. I grew up the center of the room: when I walked in, you knew it and I was comfortable there.  There was nothing show-boaty about me, I just was and still am me: as sincere as I can be...

During my adult life, I would say four of the aforementioned traumas have happened. In six years I gained 100 pounds. I'm starting to lose it (I'm down 38.6 pounds) and am trying to take precautions, but I don't feel any better. Living with PTSD is pure hell. I'm trapped behind this wall of anxiety and dread.  I cry at the drop of a hat.

Nearly any time that I have a conversation that sparks a debate or resembles one, I forget almost everything immediately thereafter. If I feel threatened, survival instincts kick in and I just lash out to get the issue to end. It almost always causes friction, and I can never explain myself properly.  If I can picture myself doing anything inside, it's as if someone threw me into a pit of spiders and snakes, and I'm closing my eyes and screaming, jumping around and trying to push them away.

I turn everyone away: I can't bring myself to respond. For example, someone e-mailed me about ten days ago, and I've been sitting on the e-mail dreading my response. There is nothing sour at ALL on either side, it is actually relatively positive, but it is something that I blew off to handle later and then blew up from a tiny grape to an entire vineyard.

In the past I went through periods of paranoia - not bad, but there. In my old place of residence, every noise was a burglar, and someone was definitely about to break in.  I saw a specific car on my then street, not identical to one that I feared, but a four door version of the two door car that I wished to avoid, and I broke out in cold sweats, panting, tearing up and eventually keeping a knife with me 'just in case.'

When I get to do something (i.e. go to a job, get an interview, etc) I am able to like a light switch really turn the old me back on. Phone interviews are always amazing - I am a pretty good phone person.  When people ask how I am (friends that I still have left), I'm always FINE (f.i.n.e. see liner notes here)!

Lately, I've been feeling so stressed out to where I can't cope.  I have been trying to find a job and have applied for around 100 jobs and have been turned down for 30 so far. It's really difficult, because it's bringing up so many of the past issues, and with no job, money, or insurance, I can't even see a therapist to deal with this stuff..

I started a job 10 days ago and left it 6 days ago after one of my new colleagues, who unprofessional and very slimy, said things to me that made me slip into yet another 'funk.'  Knowing that I didn't deserve what I was getting there, I opted to leave. I finally listened to my gut. It didn't make me feel any better though, and I still don't feel any better.

Recently I have become kind of internally aggressive. I've pictured myself punching people who upset me. At one point at the job last week, to the piss-ant who ignorantly told me that I would receive no love and be a cat lady forever (I hate cats), I pictured horrible and somewhat violent things happening to him.  I am probably the least violent person I know. Sometimes things don't affect me immediately, but they affect me a few days later, it builds up, I stress eat, regret it, etc.

So, I don't know what the gist of this is.  I'm on such a roller coaster of emotions, I just want something amazing to happen to me. I want so badly to be happy. I have fleeting moments where I picture myself to be: a carefree adventurer, an athlete, someone who just loves herself to pieces, a gym-rat, able to stand solidly on my own two feet, financially stable, in love, happy, satisfied. I yearn for those days. I need those days to start. I need an up-swing.

DISCLAIMER:  I'm not looking for a pity party, I just needed to get this out. Only a few people in my life know about my PTSD and only one family member even knows most of what I wrote..