The Diagnosis.

So ignorance is bliss, right? It was for me...  I went to the OBGyn yesterday for the first time in at least 5 years.  Not to get too graphic, but my monthly lady times have been really sporadic, and they haven't been... right.  I told my doctor about my thoughts about PMDD, and since I had ovarian cysts as a teenager she thinks that it's PCOS (polycystic ovarian syndrome).   PCOS can cause a lot of the symptoms that I saw in what I thought was PMDD because of hormone imbalances.  My symptoms are: irregular periods, occasional acne, obesity with extra weight around the waist, anxiety, depression, pelvic pain and light sleep apnea.  

PCOS is on the same spectrum as Diabetes, and women who get it are generally overweight or obese. so that's all just fantastic (<- and that's sarcasm).  I can't take Birth Control pills due to a blood clotting disorder, so my doctor is going to look into Mirena, which is an IUD.   She is also suggesting that I see a Registered Dietician to work on my diet.  She wanted to put me on SSRIs for the time I get cranky before my periods, but I declined.  I'll be trying some herbal remedies as well as vitamins [B-6 and Magnesium] and working on my diet and exercise.  Most doctors who have told me that I need to lose weight have made me feel like crap about it, but this one didn't.  I really liked her advice and will be taking it. 

The good news is that I don't have High Blood Pressure, nor do I have high cholesterol.  I've had tests for various reasons throughout the years, and my BP is almost never over 115/78, and my cholesterol has always been good.   Other good news is, aside from chocolate I have already cut out caffeine: soda 3 years ago and chai tea about 3 weeks ago.   

I feel like I'm supposed to be really overwhelmed and upset about this diagnosis, but I'm not.  It's good to have a diagnosis to start treating, rather than a bunch of symptoms that keep beating me up.  I just need to seriously get a grip and a handle on my diet and exercise so that I can beat this and start leading the life I want to live.  I started well today though, taking a walk with the dog for 40 minutes, doing day one of Couch to 5k, grocery shopping, four hours of cleaning the apartment, doing laundry etc.  I'm starting to get delirious though, so I'm off to bed. 

THE Moment...That Moment...The Moment of Clarity.

Stress. Anxiety. No caffeine. Depression. Irritation. Anger. Annoyance.  All here.  I told myself that when I turned 30, to put it bluntly I would "get my sh*t together".  It's been a few months and I still haven't done that much in my personal life.  I re-joined Weight Watchers and went to some meetings, but I haven't hit that 'moment' where you say "this is it. I need to change."   Two weeks ago I gave up caffeine and I feel like it was awful and terrible and yet a good thing to do for the long run.   Still, no visit from "the moment". 

My roommate and I planned yesterday to be the day we started cleaning out our apartment to move in a couple of months, as well as to clean out our fridge and begin anew with healthier eating and following WW.   As she works nights and sleep days, I did the trip to Costco for a few things.  On the way home I was thinking about my gym which I passed on the way home; I decided to go later that day and schedule an appointment with a personal trainer.  I need to strengthen my core, begin increasing my overall health. 

Upon my return home and ready for the day, I had some groceries and a purse in one hand, and as the elevator doors opened I leaned down to pick up (with my left hand) a huge package of toilet paper (on my right side) when I did the dreaded lift and twist; I felt it immediately.  Incredible pain throughout my lower back and upper butt area.  I struggled down the hall and dropped our stuff off inside the doorway to the apartment.  Putting weight on my left foot was like a knife being stuck in my left buttock and spine.

I went into my room immediately and laid down on my back with my knees up in an upside-down V.  I just kept repeating 'oh no, oh no, oh no.'  My mother, brother and sister have all had the same injuries: herniated or bulging discs.  My mother and brother required surgery and my sister required physical therapy…. Now I guess it's my turn.  I struggled to stand up, crying out as the pain was getting worse and I went into my roommate's room and woke her up so that she could take me to urgent care.  

As the Nurse that she is, she told me to stick an ice pack on it and take some ibuprofen and rolled over.  Within ten minutes I was in tears, hunched over a chair.  I had to use the bathroom, but sitting down caused intense pain.  My roommate got up and took me to urgent care and my doctor told me that it was most likely similar to my family's injuries.  The pain is mainly the soft tissue inflammation and it'll take a few days to go down. In a few days, I might start feeling better but might need physical therapy; if not at all by a week from now then I have to visit an orthopedic surgeon. 

I was sent home with pain killers, steroids and muscle relaxers.  On the way home from the urgent care all that I could think about was 'is this a sign? Is this the one that I've been waiting for?'  This is my warning sign.  "The moment" that I've been waiting for.  I'm so mad at this moment!  I have been on the couch or in bed for the last 30 hours.  I feel like a lump, especially as I have to take an extra day off of work this week, where I'm already struggling.  My stomach is again larger, I'm barely fitting into my clothes.  Is this it? 

I'm thirty years old and I've barely dated.  I have these amazing dreams and daydreams about climbing mountains and taking amazing pictures.  I think about running and rowing crew and playing soccer and skiing, roughhousing with my amazing boyfriend/husband, making out with him in a cottage in the countryside of England, sledding, playing in the snow.  I see pictures of me scuba diving in the tropics, and hiking in the highlands of Scotland.  In my daydreams I always have boundless energy and take incredible pictures. 

Caffeine gave me ten percent of that energy and I felt great for a few minutes here or there but I want it all of the time.  Quitting caffeine and making the changes that I need to make, will help.  But it's what I do with "the moment" that will decide my future.  What would you do in this situation? 

Caffeine no more.

I have been looking more seriously at the changes that I need to make. Diet, exercise, healthy living.  Everything just seems so overwhelming.  Two weeks ago I decided to cut out one thing that is affecting me: caffeine.  I'm not someone who drinks six cups of coffee per day, but I do drink a grande cup of Starbucks soy chai each morning (sometimes two in a day!).  When I don't drink it, I find myself suffering by noon.   I started researching some of the side effects of caffeine.  Anxiety is one that stuck out;  I have self-diagnosed PMDD, so in my research I saw that caffeine is pretty bad for someone with PMDD.  I also go through the "crash" during the day where I feel terrible, am groggy, etc.  So I decided to quit my super expensive habit of drinking Starbucks. 

The first day failed as I had my chai before work; my co-workers were really hard on me because they knew what my plans were.  The next day I succeeded.  I had a headache by noon, and took two naps at two hours each; it was difficult to say the least.  Day two I slept later than usual by about two hours (9:30am). I felt okay in the morning, but knew that once I was a few hours past my first normal dose of caffeine, I'd feel the side-effects.  Yep, I dragged myself to work and had an exhausting day.  My muscles hurt everywhere and I felt dehydrated, no matter how much water I drank.  I felt out of it the whole day, and my co-workers, boss and even a random customer asked me what was wrong. 

Day three was still exhausting -- all of my muscles ached, I felt tired all day and I still felt like I was in a funk.  My boss wanted to strangle me.  I was annoyed and had a shorter fuse than normal, which was tough because I've made some huge personal strides at work lately. 

The rest of the first week went okay; I found that I stopped enjoying the breakfast sandwich I normally got from Starbucks, because the two items usually go together and it just wasn't the same.  It left me with positive and confused feelings all at once; I have stopped spending $7-8 per day on Starbucks, but my routine was always to start there.  I usually start my day with a drive with my dog so that can have something exciting to do.  I do this because he used to get sick quite frequently when I took him to the dog park.  So, what now?  I substituted other things - Subway breakfast sandwich, a stop off to get a bagel, etc.  So, it is just confusing. 

I've just completed the second week of being caffeine (well, Chai) free.  The end of my first week, and the beginning of the second week were interesting. I have noticed that I'm more depressed lately and I'm much more lethargic. I kind of miss the jolt in the morning where I have a great bolt of energy, but I don't miss the afternoon lull or the sweating and rapid heartbeat if I drank chai too quickly.   I'm moving in a couple of months to another city, and my life and my job are almost up in the air which are most likely contributing factors, but I can't help but think that the lack caffeine is not helping me.   I don't want to start drinking it again, and I look forward to see how I can progress. 

I need a makeover

I don't know what is WRONG with me.  I fix a problem for someone at work and I have to hold back tears because of feeling good and knowing that I made their day better. I watch the Biggest Loser and I cry.  I tell a sweet story about someone and surprise! I tear up.  I watch a video or a commercial that's touching and freaking bloody surprise!!! I cry like a baby. Every single couple I see I feel like punching in the stomach with my green fist filled with envy.  On the flip side, I see a good looking guy, or a tall guy around my age who isn't wearing a wedding ring and my thoughts in this order are: "Oooh, no ring. How YOU doin'?  Who are you kidding, you're fat he'd never go for you. Moving right along... Stop self, don't tear up, C'MON!!!"  It's almost as if my brain is shouting out "I'm not happy, so you shouldn't be either!!!!!!!!" I'm just so worn out all of the time. 

I watch the Biggest Loser every week and I love the show so much.  I watch Jillian Michaels, Bob Harper and Dolvett Quince train their contestants and I am filled with envy. I want that experience so badly.  I have so far to go: 100-130 pounds until I get to a satisfactory weight.  I haven't seen the dastardly 'one-derland' since I was 14 years old, if not younger.  The thought of it terrifies me, I've spent more than half of my life this way, all of my adulthood. Who would I even be?  I see Danni Allen in this season's BL and I find myself dying to be in her shoes.  I feel like that could be me.  I feel like it should be me (in addition to, not instead of her)...

I've been dieting.  It has been going okay; I lost around 10 pounds in February / first week of March, but I had a weekend away and I'll find out for sure in the morning but I think I've gained a few pounds again.  I feel like crap: emotionally, physically, psychologically.   I need a head to toe makeover, starting with my brain.  I'm so lethargic and never feel like exercising.  For weeks I was making veggie smoothies to take to work and was eating solely at home, but for the past week I just haven't.  I don't know where to begin again.  I hear / read / listen to people say 'start small! positive affirmations!' but any time I have been involved with a person or group who talks about that, I want to curse at them and in plain english say "S.T.F.U."

I have figured out a few of my key issues: 

1. Depressed over a death of a parent (though it was 8 1/2 years ago it still hurts like heck). 

2. Job hatred: I'm WAY underpaid and undervalued; I don't love what I do. 

3. Weight and issues relating to this stemming back to early childhood. 

4. PTSD and PMDD. What a delight having these two together. 

5. Jumpstart motivation: I go so quickly that it's like when you jump too high on a trampoline... You never land just right. Then the landing hurts so I walk away. 

6. Anxiety: I paint pretty pictures of things but can't physically do them, as if a barrier is stopping me. 

7. Money: my devil. 

I take so many things in emotionally. I just watched a video about cage free vs free range vs pasture raised chickens / eggs and I feel like giving up my life for chickens. I watch the BL and I feel like giving up my life and moving to the BL resort to lose the weight I need to lose.  Any and every time I watch TV or movies I regret leaving California (where I once lived) and leaving the industry, because I just love that side of things.  So now I wonder. What do I do?  I'm being encouraged to stay in my job because the benefits are really good.  I'm being encouraged from another person in my life to quit my job, take out loans and go to school full time.  I'm being encouraged to just stay on Weight Watchers and lose weight.  But my head is so full and I'm so confused.  What...do...I...do...????

On the road again..

I'm back.  It's late and so this entry will be short.  I can't believe I haven't blogged in over six months.  I have been cruising down a long road of unhealthy eating and living an inactive lifestyle.  It has to stop. In approximately seven months I will be 30; before this date I have committed to two goals: 

Definite Goal: 
  - to lose 30 pounds by my 30th birthday

Hopeful Goal: 
  - to lose 60 pounds by my 30th birthday. 

Every time I think about weight I get anxiety.  Something small and that I don't even remember now happened earlier today and my immediate thought was 'god I want to house a chocolate bar'.  I haven't binged in a long time (since before I stopped blogging) and I have just spent the last six months eating a lot of mall-type food (food court food etc). 

I also can't believe that I have gained about 13 pounds in six months! I really thought it was only 5 or 6 and it's really stressing me out.  I'm trying to let it go and just move on, but it's stressful...  I re-joined Weight Watchers tonight and am going to start planning and grocery shopping tomorrow and start my fist official full day on Thursday 13 December.  I hope to lose 5 pounds before Christmas. I have a relatively high goal because I know that it's easy to lose a few pounds in your first week.  I'm back up to 279 pounds or so, and I last weighed in here at 266.  Wow.  by the end of January I would like to be around 260-264. 

How have you come back from a long hiatus and succeeded? How have you changed your mindset? I'm kind of desperate for some advice at this point! :/

The girl in the glass bubble.

As obvious as it might be on my most recent attempts at blogging, I'll say this: I'm struggling, I'm always anxious, I'm depressed.  I have become my outward self: "the fat chick who..." and not "the girl/woman who..."  I am stuck in my own head like a bad cassette tape that keeps replaying a five second clip of a song.  "You're fat, you're worthless, you're fat, you're worthless."  Intellectually I know that I'm not worthless, but the emotional side of me has taken over my brain and I'm just in a horrible place.

This week I think I had my first panic attack. I was driving in the most stressful city in the world (DC), and pulled into the parking lot of my new therapist.  Late because of traffic (never going to get used to how bad it is in DC), and there was this guy meandering slowly across the parking lot from my left. I made the decision to park on the right side, so probably left around 5 feet between us and turned / parked. In front of him? Sure, probably.  A risk to him? Not at all.  I've been driving for more than a decade, and I'm not a moron.  He was in no way a risk.

He came up to my car and just started shouting at me about paying attention.  I just flipped him the bird and ignored him.  So he laid into me. "Oh wow fattie, what a real lady you are. Wow chunky puff, really? Big woman, wow! pay attention, or are you too fat to see??" I mean, this man was at my car window. I just kept saying "F--- off a-hole, go away." My years of compounding PTSD set in and it was all I could do.  My seatbelt was still on, and I felt absolutely trapped, filled with rage, angry, sad, disgusted with myself, hating him. Out of control. Who was he to yell at me about my WEIGHT??

He kept threatening to get my car towed, saying that he didn't think I had a parking permit, kept calling me fat and everything like that.  I've never experienced this kind of fat discrimination before, it was always just looks from people.  But this was something else.  I started to get out of my car, because I was honestly going to hit the man.  I'm not a violent person, I've never wanted to physically go crazy and punch people, but this was amazing. As soon as I opened the door he walked away and into the building. I got my stuff and left to go in, and by that time, only seconds after him, he was gone.  He ran away like a b----!!

I went to my therapist and when she started talking about our last session I looked down at my hands and realized they were literally shaking. Never having experienced this before I did a quick mental check of my body.  My breathing was off and I was absolutely tearing up. Heaving with sobs and losing it in a fit of tears, out came the panic attack.

My therapist seemed surprised. I explained what happened and annoyingly she was calm and tried to ask me to repeat what he said. I wanted to just shout "BE ANGRY WITH ME. SIDE WITH ME. STOP ASKING ME QUESTIONS!!!" something.  But nothing came out. She tried to have my do deep breathing, but that kind of relaxing makes me panic. I get angry. I get frustrated and annoyed.  So we changed the subject. It worked within two minutes and I was able to talk about other things.

I got home and surprisingly (as I'd usually just push it down), I told my roommate.  She was angry at him, saying 'What a child! Who does he think he is?' and pretty much defended me.  That was nice.  I actually told another friend and he told me that this man wasn't worth it, because he's clearly not a good person.

When and why did I become 'the fat chick who' instead of just 'the girl/woman'.  When did my physical appearance become my identity?  A few weeks ago I watched a Lifetime movie (yes, I'm that depressed) about a girl who faked a pregnancy in high school for her Senior Project.  One poignant thing at the end of the movie was that people saw her as 'the pregnant girl who COULD have done...' instead of 'the amazingly smart girl who is destined for...'  I feel just like that.  My whole life I have felt like someone who should be able to just unzip this suit and a thin, pretty, happy, innocent again version of myself would just step out. That would be my life.  Problem solved.

My good friend told me today that I need to see 'me' as the person he sees: fun to be around, nice, easy-going, a good listener, funny, charismatic, smart etc. But I see 'the fat chick who has these attributes:.." then they're listed.   I don't know if I learned anything from this panic attack. I never want to see that A-hole again in my entire life though. Ever.  I heard a quote today 'she has the knowledge, but not the understanding', about a little girl who was overweight who knows that her health will be affected if she doesn't keep changing, but doesn't understand all of the exact consequences.

I have the knowledge, understanding, and many resources to make changes. I am fighting this battle where my intellect is going CRAZY inside of a glass bubble. It's like a 'jail cell' and my emotion is the bars, floors, walls and guard, preventing me from making a change.  Keeping me locked up. Keeping me in this "safe" place so that I don't have to live.... Breaking out will make you get cut, hurt, you'll bleed. But I WANT TO!!  How do you break out of this proverbial jail? How do you beat this system? I want all of the stuff on the "outside." I want the health, body, love life, and confidence, however I'm sitting in this emotional jail cell bubble with no way out. I know that once I get there, once I figure out how to break out I'll be unstoppable. But today.. tomorrow... who knows...

Dreams vs Reality; Dancing vs Couching.

For as long as I can remember, I have made up vivid little scenarios in my head that I'd like to see happen. Sometimes it starts with a daydream and then becomes an all out scenario.  Sometimes it's just an escape for me, from the drudgery of my day-to-day existence.  For example: 


I might see a super-good looking guy in person and then daydream myself thinner and dating him.  That daydream turns into picturing my dream house that I'd remodel, us in our king-size bed with flowing curtains looking out over a large lawn with perfect grass and our two or three dogs running around the back yard.  The detail in my daydreams is somewhat frightening. I can picture my night-stand, the books on it, the books on his night stand, the paint on our walls, you name it. I dream at night like this too - often awakening to the thought of "where am I?", being confused as to why I'm not awake in my new house.

One of my longest going mock-scenario-daydreams has been that I'm a terrific dancer. I'm talking Heather Morris from Glee talented. I have many quasi-secrets and daydreams regarding dancing. The first and probably oldest is that I am wonderful at ballroom dancing, and can perform dances like the waltz, foxtrot and tango. I picture myself like Princess Diana, dancing in fancy gowns, amazing jewelry, terribly uncomfortable shoes.  They become more modern as I've aged.  I am not generally a hip-hop dancer fan, and holy crap anything that Glee puts out I dream about being involved with.   I have this secret dream that the creators of Glee will put out a series of exercise videos, with sections for beginning, intermediate and experienced dancers.  It's something that I could really get into and sweat to. It would encourage me to lose weight. Also, it's probably a cash cow, because people love that show! <Glee plug over>


I don't know what these scenario-daydreams are about, or even when they got started - I don't have them all of the time, sometimes once a day, or twice if I'm feeling lonely or anxious.  I was relatively active as a kid, but was teased and beat up (emotionally, mentally and occasionally physically) throughout my childhood, so turned to food and gave up activity. I even had my parents tell me things like 'this sport is going to be too competitive in high school, you won't be able to compete at that level.'  I have a feeling they were trying to protect me from the pain of failing a tryout, or the inability to attend meets and travel games due to a lack of familial finances at the time, but I'll never know if I could have competed at that level.  I always felt second best, second rate, second class.  It was almost in a sense...engrained in me. 


I have this intellectual side that says that the dreams are probably a way for me to feel normal and what I picture others' lives like; an escape from my day-to-day life. A lot of times I know that these things are just things that I want.  Having PTSD, I find myself reverting to these scenarios when I'm feeling vulnerable or anxious. After an assault that I went through, for some time I found that they were nearly all bad scenarios: picturing myself bloody,  traumatized, beaten up, etc.  Then they turned back to 'normal' or desirous. The emotional side of me feels childish, doesn't want them to stop; I feel more whole in them because in them I get what I want.  It's like an imagination-based 'Second Life' game (which by the way, freaks me out and I find creepy). 


Part of me feels trapped, like they are a security blanket from the PTSD. I know that I can be happy when I escape into my inner-mind: in love with my "boyfriend", thin, happy, athletic.  None of these scenarios currently exist in real life.  I sometimes wonder if I'm too scared to find them in real life because I'll be disappointed by what I find, as I've created such a tall pedestal upon which my expectations sit.  I hope that this doesn't make me come off as crazy.  I can absolutely discern the fact from fiction, and know that when I daydream or create a scenario, it's not real; I start or stop them at any given moment.  Hmm, I don't know.  Maybe I'll find a way to eventually make some of my dreams a happy reality! 

Help; I need somebody, Help; not just anybody..

I'm a morning person.  My body wakes me up at 6-7am, no matter what time I went to sleep.  If it's 8am, it's a damn miracle.  My job requires me to work late, meaning 12p-10p four days per week.  I usually have a break at around 3:30 or 4pm, so by the time I get home I'm starving, and so exhausted that I don't want to cook or prepare anything. So I eat: crap foods.

The month of December has been pure hell at work. I've been yelled at by ignorant people, we've been robbed where I work (long story), and for the entire month of December I'm working late.  I usually work these later shifts once or twice per week which is fine, it's when I take my dog to the dog park in the morning.  Now that I'm doing it four times per week, I notice that I eat crap foods when I get home.  My roommate wakes up at 5-7pm for the night because of her work schedule, so she's always up for eating when I get home, which in a sense encourages and enables me.

This job doesn't pay me well. I find that because I'm always in the poor house, when I get money I can't hold onto it. A lot of times it goes to food.  I have a feeling that it's a deep-rooted issue from childhood, because I know we had some money troubles for a few years back then, and I was always really terrible at budgeting. Also, I was always teased about my weight and turned to hiding and eating food when I was like 5 years old and older.  I know this is all related to PTSD but I can't figure out how.. I also go to the grocery store and buy fresh and beautiful foods with desires to cook, but most of the time they go wasted.  I get anxiety cleaning out the fridge, knowing a. how much money I wasted, and b. how it means what I really put in my body.

I hate waking up full and feeling disgusting.  This is a true sign that I've slipped into some of my old ways. This is truly embarrassing, but here is a taste of my old ways and what I put myself through last night.  I got home at 10:20pm and thought about ordering food. For some reason I have this thing that I can't figure out: if I think about food in a certain way ('ooh, I want pizza'), it is an all-consuming 'deal' until I actually do what my brain is consumed with: eat the food I can't stop thinking about.  By can't stop thinking about it, I mean NOTHING stops me from thinking about it. I won't pay attention to conversations, TV, music, internet, you name it.  Then I do what I'm consumed with and it's like 'okay cool, back to reality.'

Last night I unfortunately thought about a calzone and mozzarella sticks.  At 10:30pm I ordered them, and started watching (of all things, The Biggest Loser).  I ordered said food as well as a pizza, 'to tide me over for a couple of days.'  They came at 11:15; I ate my calzone and mozzarella sticks, and when I was putting away the pizza took a slice to eat. I don't know why, but !#%(&# @$%@ I wish I hadn't.  I sat on the couch in a sad state of lethargy, watching the Biggest Loser contestants run a marathon. P.S. if John wins this I would like to personally drive to his house and punch him in the face for being a bloody jerk.

So I went to bed last night, and just like in my old ways I had trouble falling asleep. It was after 2:30am when I finally did.  I woke up this morning at around 7:30, and fought off actually getting up due to exhaustion until 9. Then I got up.  I got an all-consuming desire to blog this, like I know it would help.  It hasn't, but maybe it will soon.  I don't know what to do. My job doesn't offer health insurance for more than six months, so I'm still waiting on that. I'm sure therapy would help, but I'm stuck.

Roller coaster motivation

I've been unemployed for a while. This has led to an off-and-on inspired, lazy, energetic, lethargic, up, down, roller coaster lifestyle for a couple of months. Luckily, I've pretty much stuck to my diet, and whereas I could be healthier than I am, I am working towards that, it's tough to stay motivated on an even level.

With what I think is my PTSD and anxiety rearing their ugly heads, I notice that sometimes I'll put things off that are very important. For example, I needed to get a document notarized and sent off with other documents, and could have done this two weeks ago. Instead, I waited until what I realize could be the last possible moment to get it done and still meet the deadline. Now, I ended up paying extra money for it, and am now going to be on edge about it until I hear back.

Sometimes, like last week, I'll have 200% motivation and focus. Now herein lies the question: who has had this type of roller coaster motivation and conquered it? How did you do that?

PTSD

I've been dreading talking about this. I can't hide behind it anymore, as much as I want to. About 18 months ago, I was diagnosed with PTSD. Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder.  Without going into too many details, there have been about 5-6 separate traumatic events or time-periods over the span of 20 years that have taken me from 'great' to 'okay' to 'bad' to 'worse' to 'bloody awful,' where I sit now.

I grew up a bubbly, outgoing, fun, a total dreamer, caring, prepared for anything kind of girl.  In high school, I was voted most likely to go into the Peace Corps. I was in half a dozen choirs, head of many community service events, you name it and I had my hand in it. I grew up the center of the room: when I walked in, you knew it and I was comfortable there.  There was nothing show-boaty about me, I just was and still am me: as sincere as I can be...

During my adult life, I would say four of the aforementioned traumas have happened. In six years I gained 100 pounds. I'm starting to lose it (I'm down 38.6 pounds) and am trying to take precautions, but I don't feel any better. Living with PTSD is pure hell. I'm trapped behind this wall of anxiety and dread.  I cry at the drop of a hat.

Nearly any time that I have a conversation that sparks a debate or resembles one, I forget almost everything immediately thereafter. If I feel threatened, survival instincts kick in and I just lash out to get the issue to end. It almost always causes friction, and I can never explain myself properly.  If I can picture myself doing anything inside, it's as if someone threw me into a pit of spiders and snakes, and I'm closing my eyes and screaming, jumping around and trying to push them away.

I turn everyone away: I can't bring myself to respond. For example, someone e-mailed me about ten days ago, and I've been sitting on the e-mail dreading my response. There is nothing sour at ALL on either side, it is actually relatively positive, but it is something that I blew off to handle later and then blew up from a tiny grape to an entire vineyard.

In the past I went through periods of paranoia - not bad, but there. In my old place of residence, every noise was a burglar, and someone was definitely about to break in.  I saw a specific car on my then street, not identical to one that I feared, but a four door version of the two door car that I wished to avoid, and I broke out in cold sweats, panting, tearing up and eventually keeping a knife with me 'just in case.'

When I get to do something (i.e. go to a job, get an interview, etc) I am able to like a light switch really turn the old me back on. Phone interviews are always amazing - I am a pretty good phone person.  When people ask how I am (friends that I still have left), I'm always FINE (f.i.n.e. see liner notes here)!

Lately, I've been feeling so stressed out to where I can't cope.  I have been trying to find a job and have applied for around 100 jobs and have been turned down for 30 so far. It's really difficult, because it's bringing up so many of the past issues, and with no job, money, or insurance, I can't even see a therapist to deal with this stuff..

I started a job 10 days ago and left it 6 days ago after one of my new colleagues, who unprofessional and very slimy, said things to me that made me slip into yet another 'funk.'  Knowing that I didn't deserve what I was getting there, I opted to leave. I finally listened to my gut. It didn't make me feel any better though, and I still don't feel any better.

Recently I have become kind of internally aggressive. I've pictured myself punching people who upset me. At one point at the job last week, to the piss-ant who ignorantly told me that I would receive no love and be a cat lady forever (I hate cats), I pictured horrible and somewhat violent things happening to him.  I am probably the least violent person I know. Sometimes things don't affect me immediately, but they affect me a few days later, it builds up, I stress eat, regret it, etc.

So, I don't know what the gist of this is.  I'm on such a roller coaster of emotions, I just want something amazing to happen to me. I want so badly to be happy. I have fleeting moments where I picture myself to be: a carefree adventurer, an athlete, someone who just loves herself to pieces, a gym-rat, able to stand solidly on my own two feet, financially stable, in love, happy, satisfied. I yearn for those days. I need those days to start. I need an up-swing.

DISCLAIMER:  I'm not looking for a pity party, I just needed to get this out. Only a few people in my life know about my PTSD and only one family member even knows most of what I wrote..