I'm a morning person. My body wakes me up at 6-7am, no matter what time I went to sleep. If it's 8am, it's a damn miracle. My job requires me to work late, meaning 12p-10p four days per week. I usually have a break at around 3:30 or 4pm, so by the time I get home I'm starving, and so exhausted that I don't want to cook or prepare anything. So I eat: crap foods.
The month of December has been pure hell at work. I've been yelled at by ignorant people, we've been robbed where I work (long story), and for the entire month of December I'm working late. I usually work these later shifts once or twice per week which is fine, it's when I take my dog to the dog park in the morning. Now that I'm doing it four times per week, I notice that I eat crap foods when I get home. My roommate wakes up at 5-7pm for the night because of her work schedule, so she's always up for eating when I get home, which in a sense encourages and enables me.
This job doesn't pay me well. I find that because I'm always in the poor house, when I get money I can't hold onto it. A lot of times it goes to food. I have a feeling that it's a deep-rooted issue from childhood, because I know we had some money troubles for a few years back then, and I was always really terrible at budgeting. Also, I was always teased about my weight and turned to hiding and eating food when I was like 5 years old and older. I know this is all related to PTSD but I can't figure out how.. I also go to the grocery store and buy fresh and beautiful foods with desires to cook, but most of the time they go wasted. I get anxiety cleaning out the fridge, knowing a. how much money I wasted, and b. how it means what I really put in my body.
I hate waking up full and feeling disgusting. This is a true sign that I've slipped into some of my old ways. This is truly embarrassing, but here is a taste of my old ways and what I put myself through last night. I got home at 10:20pm and thought about ordering food. For some reason I have this thing that I can't figure out: if I think about food in a certain way ('ooh, I want pizza'), it is an all-consuming 'deal' until I actually do what my brain is consumed with: eat the food I can't stop thinking about. By can't stop thinking about it, I mean NOTHING stops me from thinking about it. I won't pay attention to conversations, TV, music, internet, you name it. Then I do what I'm consumed with and it's like 'okay cool, back to reality.'
Last night I unfortunately thought about a calzone and mozzarella sticks. At 10:30pm I ordered them, and started watching (of all things, The Biggest Loser). I ordered said food as well as a pizza, 'to tide me over for a couple of days.' They came at 11:15; I ate my calzone and mozzarella sticks, and when I was putting away the pizza took a slice to eat. I don't know why, but !#%(&# @$%@ I wish I hadn't. I sat on the couch in a sad state of lethargy, watching the Biggest Loser contestants run a marathon. P.S. if John wins this I would like to personally drive to his house and punch him in the face for being a bloody jerk.
So I went to bed last night, and just like in my old ways I had trouble falling asleep. It was after 2:30am when I finally did. I woke up this morning at around 7:30, and fought off actually getting up due to exhaustion until 9. Then I got up. I got an all-consuming desire to blog this, like I know it would help. It hasn't, but maybe it will soon. I don't know what to do. My job doesn't offer health insurance for more than six months, so I'm still waiting on that. I'm sure therapy would help, but I'm stuck.
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