Dreams vs Reality; Dancing vs Couching.

For as long as I can remember, I have made up vivid little scenarios in my head that I'd like to see happen. Sometimes it starts with a daydream and then becomes an all out scenario.  Sometimes it's just an escape for me, from the drudgery of my day-to-day existence.  For example: 


I might see a super-good looking guy in person and then daydream myself thinner and dating him.  That daydream turns into picturing my dream house that I'd remodel, us in our king-size bed with flowing curtains looking out over a large lawn with perfect grass and our two or three dogs running around the back yard.  The detail in my daydreams is somewhat frightening. I can picture my night-stand, the books on it, the books on his night stand, the paint on our walls, you name it. I dream at night like this too - often awakening to the thought of "where am I?", being confused as to why I'm not awake in my new house.

One of my longest going mock-scenario-daydreams has been that I'm a terrific dancer. I'm talking Heather Morris from Glee talented. I have many quasi-secrets and daydreams regarding dancing. The first and probably oldest is that I am wonderful at ballroom dancing, and can perform dances like the waltz, foxtrot and tango. I picture myself like Princess Diana, dancing in fancy gowns, amazing jewelry, terribly uncomfortable shoes.  They become more modern as I've aged.  I am not generally a hip-hop dancer fan, and holy crap anything that Glee puts out I dream about being involved with.   I have this secret dream that the creators of Glee will put out a series of exercise videos, with sections for beginning, intermediate and experienced dancers.  It's something that I could really get into and sweat to. It would encourage me to lose weight. Also, it's probably a cash cow, because people love that show! <Glee plug over>


I don't know what these scenario-daydreams are about, or even when they got started - I don't have them all of the time, sometimes once a day, or twice if I'm feeling lonely or anxious.  I was relatively active as a kid, but was teased and beat up (emotionally, mentally and occasionally physically) throughout my childhood, so turned to food and gave up activity. I even had my parents tell me things like 'this sport is going to be too competitive in high school, you won't be able to compete at that level.'  I have a feeling they were trying to protect me from the pain of failing a tryout, or the inability to attend meets and travel games due to a lack of familial finances at the time, but I'll never know if I could have competed at that level.  I always felt second best, second rate, second class.  It was almost in a sense...engrained in me. 


I have this intellectual side that says that the dreams are probably a way for me to feel normal and what I picture others' lives like; an escape from my day-to-day life. A lot of times I know that these things are just things that I want.  Having PTSD, I find myself reverting to these scenarios when I'm feeling vulnerable or anxious. After an assault that I went through, for some time I found that they were nearly all bad scenarios: picturing myself bloody,  traumatized, beaten up, etc.  Then they turned back to 'normal' or desirous. The emotional side of me feels childish, doesn't want them to stop; I feel more whole in them because in them I get what I want.  It's like an imagination-based 'Second Life' game (which by the way, freaks me out and I find creepy). 


Part of me feels trapped, like they are a security blanket from the PTSD. I know that I can be happy when I escape into my inner-mind: in love with my "boyfriend", thin, happy, athletic.  None of these scenarios currently exist in real life.  I sometimes wonder if I'm too scared to find them in real life because I'll be disappointed by what I find, as I've created such a tall pedestal upon which my expectations sit.  I hope that this doesn't make me come off as crazy.  I can absolutely discern the fact from fiction, and know that when I daydream or create a scenario, it's not real; I start or stop them at any given moment.  Hmm, I don't know.  Maybe I'll find a way to eventually make some of my dreams a happy reality! 

Being Present

I hate the term 'being present.' I probably hate it the most because I never really was 'present.'  I've been pretty mechanical, which I think will explain some of my anxieties and depression, and for sure PTSD.. I just go through life, non-stop, everything has to be right, done right, mechanically handled, etc.

I've lost weight before. In 1994 I went to fat camp for 6 weeks and lost 24 lbs.  I went from 140 to 116 and I looked amazing afterwards. I was in middle school, and kids were much nicer to me that year. Boys told me that I looked pretty for the first, and what feels like the last time. But, By 14 I was at about 180 and by the end of high school I hit about 200.

I lost weight at 21 years old (20 lbs, back to 200lbs), but it was all mechanical - I did the diet, I lost weight. Things happened and I ate again: for stress, depression, happiness, boredom, fear, you name it.. In 6 1/2 years, I must have really checked out, because all of the sudden as I've shared, I was 300 lbs.

I went through treatment for an ED two years ago, but I'm not sure that I was present for all of that, or if it was the right treatment. I don't know what I weighed, because I was terrified of finding out. I don't think I lost weight, because they had us maintain (or gain, for those who had EDs that required it).. It was then that I was diagnosed with PTSD, which I've found really causes me to close my mind and just forget, not allow any information in. Literally.

So, the past 6 or 7 years have been a blur, some times more than others.. I was struggling with that emotion vs. intellect that I've spoken about, but I think it's even more-so, I've struggled with being there and being okay with sharing my experiences.

Something is different now, or at least it feels like it is.  Maybe it was seeing the number 3 as the first number of my weight, or realizing that I have missed out on so much, maybe it was removing myself from the biggest stresses in my life, I don't know.  But this time I think like I'm actually feeling the weight loss, I'm seeing it happen, I'm keeping track.  I'm blogging about it, which means that I'm sharing my experiences, which I've rarely done before.

I'm trying to be present during exercising. I'm trying to feel my muscles during their struggle, and remember how I feel afterward. I'm trying to engrain it into my brain what I feel when I put clothes on that are too big. I'm trying to remember that five years ago, I was wearing shirts that fit now, so I probably only have 15 lbs to lose until I reach the weight I was 4-5 years ago. I'm trying to remember that being at a weight from five years ago after only six months of hard work is amazing.  I'm finding amazing, strong, supportive online supporters and friends, and this is just the beginning!