23 October 2013

THE Moment...That Moment...The Moment of Clarity.


Stress. Anxiety. No caffeine. Depression. Irritation. Anger. Annoyance.  All here.  I told myself that when I turned 30, to put it bluntly I would "get my sh*t together".  It's been a few months and I still haven't done that much in my personal life.  I re-joined Weight Watchers and went to some meetings, but I haven't hit that 'moment' where you say "this is it. I need to change."   Two weeks ago I gave up caffeine and I feel like it was awful and terrible and yet a good thing to do for the long run.   Still, no visit from "the moment". 

My roommate and I planned yesterday to be the day we started cleaning out our apartment to move in a couple of months, as well as to clean out our fridge and begin anew with healthier eating and following WW.   As she works nights and sleep days, I did the trip to Costco for a few things.  On the way home I was thinking about my gym which I passed on the way home; I decided to go later that day and schedule an appointment with a personal trainer.  I need to strengthen my core, begin increasing my overall health. 

Upon my return home and ready for the day, I had some groceries and a purse in one hand, and as the elevator doors opened I leaned down to pick up (with my left hand) a huge package of toilet paper (on my right side) when I did the dreaded lift and twist; I felt it immediately.  Incredible pain throughout my lower back and upper butt area.  I struggled down the hall and dropped our stuff off inside the doorway to the apartment.  Putting weight on my left foot was like a knife being stuck in my left buttock and spine.

I went into my room immediately and laid down on my back with my knees up in an upside-down V.  I just kept repeating 'oh no, oh no, oh no.'  My mother, brother and sister have all had the same injuries: herniated or bulging discs.  My mother and brother required surgery and my sister required physical therapy…. Now I guess it's my turn.  I struggled to stand up, crying out as the pain was getting worse and I went into my roommate's room and woke her up so that she could take me to urgent care.  

As the Nurse that she is, she told me to stick an ice pack on it and take some ibuprofen and rolled over.  Within ten minutes I was in tears, hunched over a chair.  I had to use the bathroom, but sitting down caused intense pain.  My roommate got up and took me to urgent care and my doctor told me that it was most likely similar to my family's injuries.  The pain is mainly the soft tissue inflammation and it'll take a few days to go down. In a few days, I might start feeling better but might need physical therapy; if not at all by a week from now then I have to visit an orthopedic surgeon. 

I was sent home with pain killers, steroids and muscle relaxers.  On the way home from the urgent care all that I could think about was 'is this a sign? Is this the one that I've been waiting for?'  This is my warning sign.  "The moment" that I've been waiting for.  I'm so mad at this moment!  I have been on the couch or in bed for the last 30 hours.  I feel like a lump, especially as I have to take an extra day off of work this week, where I'm already struggling.  My stomach is again larger, I'm barely fitting into my clothes.  Is this it? 

I'm thirty years old and I've barely dated.  I have these amazing dreams and daydreams about climbing mountains and taking amazing pictures.  I think about running and rowing crew and playing soccer and skiing, roughhousing with my amazing boyfriend/husband, making out with him in a cottage in the countryside of England, sledding, playing in the snow.  I see pictures of me scuba diving in the tropics, and hiking in the highlands of Scotland.  In my daydreams I always have boundless energy and take incredible pictures. 

Caffeine gave me ten percent of that energy and I felt great for a few minutes here or there but I want it all of the time.  Quitting caffeine and making the changes that I need to make, will help.  But it's what I do with "the moment" that will decide my future.  What would you do in this situation? 

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