17 December 2011

Oops, I did it again

I have kind of had a reminder-breakthrough.  Well neither of those, really.  Have you ever had a moment where you have this 'epiphany,' only it's not an epiphany but something that you've been telling yourself for years, that you keep hearing and finally HEARD?  I had one of those tonight.

I eat a lot at nights when I'm alone.  Food has been my companion, my love, my best and at sometimes only friend.  It's been like this since I was probably 6 or 7 years old.  I found a picture from 3rd grade that was of me in a bathing suit, and good golly did I look engorged.  I transfered from a school with a small, safe learning environment and community to a public school in the beginning of third grade.  I was the outcast, the weirdo. I didn't raise my hand before going to the bathroom because I never had to before. I didn't know the lingo, didn't have the friends that my other classmates did.  I was such a social butterfly and have always been so, but that was tough when everyone thought you were strange.

I was bullied at home by my older brother. I remember hiding food, saying "I only had one cookie" when it was clear that I had eaten with fervor one half of a package of cookies.  Even now for example, tonight I bought some cookies for me and my roommate and I had five of them; I had this plan in my head to tell my roommate that I only had three.  She worked tonight, so even though my bank accounts and credit cards have a total of less than $100 in them, I chose to spend $22 on the same delivery calzone and mozzarella sticks that I had last night(!!). Even more embarrassingly, I went grocery shopping today and have plenty of semi-decent food to eat.

School was hell until I went to Catholic school when I was 15; and I hated it after that, still. I went to 'fat camp' the summer between 5th and 6th grade, and at camp right after I turned 11 I had my first kiss.  I thought I was the coolest girl in the world. I'd bet half the girls in school hadn't been kissed! Take that Kelly, Hillary, Caitlin and Caitlin, and whatever the hell else your bloody names are. After fat camp, it was a new middle school.  I survived in 6th grade - at 24 pounds thinner, people noticed me. The weight piled back on though, and I reverted back to the social butterfly-turned-pariah that I'd become.

From ages 8-14 I was bullied, never asked to dance at a school dance, laughed at when I did the asking.  I was so depressed when even the geekiest and those who were considered the strangest guys in my grade wouldn't dance with me in middle school. I based my self-worth on the fact that I couldn't get a 'boyfriend' (aka someone who would hold hands at recess, or sit with me at lunch).  There was a girl in my grade who had been heaver than I was, had frizzier hair than I did; we both were blessed with curly hair during the mid-90s (read: frizzy hell).  She kind of liked the same boy I did. I asked him out to selfishly prove to myself that I could get a boyfriend; he accepted and we were together for a whole two days.  It is still the longest relationship that I've ever been in. They ended up dating for the rest of 7th grade and most of 8th.

To offer an understanding as to the power that I give men: in seventh grade my entire public school class went on an environmental retreat, where we learned about nature and were supposed to have bonded.  My crush of one year (and still for another year until he moved in 8th grade) was on the trip and we ended up in line (yeah not by accident, it was puppy love!) for dinner together. I'd wanted to be a vegetarian for a year, but couldn't do it. I asked him 'why aren't you getting a burger?' and he responded (swoon!!) 'I'm a vegetarian.'  My response: 'yeah, me too.'  That was nearly 16 years ago and I'm still a vegetarian.  That was probably our longest conversation..

Due to severe bullying during my freshman year at public school I nearly died.  I won't say how or go into details, but it was terrible.  I was punched in the face when I tried to confront a friend-turned-bully.  After defending myself we were both suspended.  My one and only fight.  Girls taunted me or laughed at me to my face and behind my back.  It was hell.  I turned into one of those goth kids, fell in with the wrong crowd, and smoked a half-pack of marlborough reds until my brother stole them and beat up the guy who bought them for me. I didn't have many friends after that; my brother's reputation was known around my town.

I went to Catholic school during my second freshman grade year (the idea of a nun, and a decision which haunts and beats me up still yet) and found solace in the drama and music departments, but the bullying changed from mostly students to a few stupid girls and the teachers and faculty.  I am not Catholic, and they never let me live it down. I always felt, again, like an outcast.  I kind of had some crazy moments also, some of which were caused by others and that I reacted to, some were due to my brother's teasing, and some were just my own teenage angst.  Fast forward (quickly please) thirteen and-a-half years and here I sit.

I've endured bullying from home (until a few years ago when my brother and I unofficially made a truce), bullying from boys, being punched in the back of the head for sitting on the wrong seat on the school bus, severe bullying at work as an adult, an abusive mentor-mentee relationship, sexual harassment, sexual assault, compulsive eating ED treatment, the loss of a precious job that I look back on and shudder and I sit completely in my own mind and feeling crazy.  There's this feeling of never being good enough.  My brother called me a man-hater until a few years ago and still gives me the vibes that he thinks I am one.  It's not that, but maybe he's not exactly far off.

I'm in this state of constant underlying gentle anxiety. Does that make sense? It's not to the point where my heart is pounding and I feel nauseous, but it's there, like an old frienemy. Sitting on my shoulder, ready to take over when I need someone to, ready to cause me pain and then offer me a solace to which I always turn: food.  So tonight, after my calzone, mozzarella sticks and five cookies, I topped the night off with a bowl of ice cream (taking some from each quart, so that my roommate wouldn't notice as much) with chocolate chips on top.

I went on a date with a guy I met on match.com during my brief membership in 2006.  I lost almost ten pounds in the month leading up to our date - I wasn't hungry at night.  I remember being so excited, because I just felt better - we talked a lot, I was looking forward to talking to him instead of eating blindly at night.  He was a complete weirdo, so that one date was our last, but again I turned to food. From 2004 until 2011 I'm pretty sure I gained 90 pounds.  I'm down 40 pounds at this point, but I know it won't be long if I continue this trend.

I hate reading comments on articles where people say "fat people would be thin if they didn't eat so much".  Thanks a-hole, I never thought about that.  It's more than that, it's just like anorexia or bulimia except for your eating disordered brain tells you to do the opposite. This night-time eating thing is for the birds. I'm so sick of it, both physically and emotionally.  I'll beat it, but I feel like I'm traveling this dusty road alone - no one can pick me up from this, I'm the only one who can stop myself.  I wish it were easier.

Stay safe, enjoy your holidays.

07 December 2011

Help; I need somebody, Help; not just anybody..

I'm a morning person.  My body wakes me up at 6-7am, no matter what time I went to sleep.  If it's 8am, it's a damn miracle.  My job requires me to work late, meaning 12p-10p four days per week.  I usually have a break at around 3:30 or 4pm, so by the time I get home I'm starving, and so exhausted that I don't want to cook or prepare anything. So I eat: crap foods.

The month of December has been pure hell at work. I've been yelled at by ignorant people, we've been robbed where I work (long story), and for the entire month of December I'm working late.  I usually work these later shifts once or twice per week which is fine, it's when I take my dog to the dog park in the morning.  Now that I'm doing it four times per week, I notice that I eat crap foods when I get home.  My roommate wakes up at 5-7pm for the night because of her work schedule, so she's always up for eating when I get home, which in a sense encourages and enables me.

This job doesn't pay me well. I find that because I'm always in the poor house, when I get money I can't hold onto it. A lot of times it goes to food.  I have a feeling that it's a deep-rooted issue from childhood, because I know we had some money troubles for a few years back then, and I was always really terrible at budgeting. Also, I was always teased about my weight and turned to hiding and eating food when I was like 5 years old and older.  I know this is all related to PTSD but I can't figure out how.. I also go to the grocery store and buy fresh and beautiful foods with desires to cook, but most of the time they go wasted.  I get anxiety cleaning out the fridge, knowing a. how much money I wasted, and b. how it means what I really put in my body.

I hate waking up full and feeling disgusting.  This is a true sign that I've slipped into some of my old ways. This is truly embarrassing, but here is a taste of my old ways and what I put myself through last night.  I got home at 10:20pm and thought about ordering food. For some reason I have this thing that I can't figure out: if I think about food in a certain way ('ooh, I want pizza'), it is an all-consuming 'deal' until I actually do what my brain is consumed with: eat the food I can't stop thinking about.  By can't stop thinking about it, I mean NOTHING stops me from thinking about it. I won't pay attention to conversations, TV, music, internet, you name it.  Then I do what I'm consumed with and it's like 'okay cool, back to reality.'

Last night I unfortunately thought about a calzone and mozzarella sticks.  At 10:30pm I ordered them, and started watching (of all things, The Biggest Loser).  I ordered said food as well as a pizza, 'to tide me over for a couple of days.'  They came at 11:15; I ate my calzone and mozzarella sticks, and when I was putting away the pizza took a slice to eat. I don't know why, but !#%(&# @$%@ I wish I hadn't.  I sat on the couch in a sad state of lethargy, watching the Biggest Loser contestants run a marathon. P.S. if John wins this I would like to personally drive to his house and punch him in the face for being a bloody jerk.

So I went to bed last night, and just like in my old ways I had trouble falling asleep. It was after 2:30am when I finally did.  I woke up this morning at around 7:30, and fought off actually getting up due to exhaustion until 9. Then I got up.  I got an all-consuming desire to blog this, like I know it would help.  It hasn't, but maybe it will soon.  I don't know what to do. My job doesn't offer health insurance for more than six months, so I'm still waiting on that. I'm sure therapy would help, but I'm stuck.

21 November 2011

Feeling like a marshmellow

Two months ago I posted my last post to-date.  I stopped going to the gym about two weeks after that, fell into many old habits (what's that saying about old habits dying hard?), became depressed...  A month ago and last week are two specific days that are important to me, but are really difficult.  They're pertaining to an anniversary of a death and a birthday of said person's death.  Mystery aside, they're really tough every year and they have been for the past seven years. 

The job I'm in now also doesn't allow me to take off any time between now and January, which when your family is around 400 miles away makes for a terrible holiday season.  I can't figure out how to break the cycle that I am back in.  I want to change again, I want to re-take my body back over, I want to become myself again.  I'm still paying off my training sessions, so I will have those to go back to, but I'm just in a funk. 

I've thought about diaries, but I honestly hate them. I log into MyFitnessPal every day, but rarely post anything. I try to use it to motivate myself, but at this point nothing is motivating me. I watch the Biggest Loser every week, and love seeing the contestants do so well. At the same time, I feel gross when contestants who weighed more than me now weigh less. To top it all off, I've gained around 4-5 pounds and just feel lethargic all of the time. 

Any suggestions?  Thoughts? Ideas? Share here or on twitter: @300toFinally175.  I'm hoping for a Bob Harper style mental ass-kicking, or at least something that changes my mindset!  Help! Thanks. 

16 September 2011

The gym... The Protein... The Pain...

The gym: My best friend, my nemeses, my arch-nemeses, my "frienemy".  I finally switched my gym from when I moved last year.  I went periodically, went to the free small gym in my building, but never made the solid commitment to go repeatedly for weeks on end.  That changed yesterday.

I joined xyz gym.  I went in yesterday for a tour and was given a "schpeel" on protein (hence the protein powder next to my tour-guide).  I was told to take a multi-vitamin (just next to the protein powder sat the vitamins) and was told that those would both be highly recommended.  I take a multi already so I was good, but this protein powder thing... He said that I needed to down about 30g of whey Protein after a workout. Seriously? Does anyone know if this is true?  He also said that by eating 1,600-1,800 calories a day as I've been doing, I am eating probably 200-500 calories too little.

I got a tour of the gym - it's beautiful, brand new, very nice.  And HELLO they have some hotties on staff. I picked a male trainer (women drive me nuts, no offense to the female trainers out there), and made an appointment for this morning.  I dropped a fortune that I don't really have on training, so I am going to work really hard at doing well!

I went in and met with my new trainer today.  He's really nice, has a great sense of humor. I laughed my way through the assessment, which I often do when I'm nervous; I was nervous for some reason. I'm relatively out of shape, so I think it was partially that.  I've never worked with a trainer before, it's such a different experience than going to the gym by yourself.  I usually choose a circuit workout or a long time on the elliptical or treadmill.

The trainer experience was surprisingly easy, it was nice.  My trainer said that I have better balance than I thought, have more muscle mass than I thought, and am will start to feel better after a few sessions.  We did lunges, squats, some ab work, some work with machines and tools that I'm not quire familiar with...  It was decent, I felt great until I tried walking down three flights of stairs.  What's up wobbles!?  I almost fell down them haha..  So, I'm going to meet with him three times in the first week, three times in the second, and then wean my way down to once per week, on the days that I'm going to do Core strength training.

It interested me yesterday, to hear that the 'tour-guide' told me that I needed only work out three times per week - one day for each: Core, Upper body, Lower body. It also interested me to hear that I should avoid doing the treadmill and elliptical, other than for a warm-up. According to him, too much cardio won't burn the right calories, and I'll plateau out and stop losing weight.  Weight training is the way I'm supposed to go.

So, yesterday during my initial assessment I was told that 140 pounds is way to small for me.  Looking at the Biggest Loser season 11 cast, I'm built more like Irene than Hannah. I'm closer to Hannah in height, but I am not built to be that slender.  There goes my dream of being Kate Middleton's blonde doppleganger.

So, the assessment wants me to be at approximately 177 pounds, and the tour-guide wants me to be around 190 pounds, give or take. I'm slightly flummoxed. Everything I was working towards has changed.. It's great that I'm no longer 100 pounds away from my goal, but my brain isn't accepting this 190 weight as a proper goal. It's still going to take about a year to lose 60 pounds? Hmmm. Seems like a long time. I'm so thrilled to be taking this step though!

Well, that's what I've got going on.  Does anyone want to weigh-in on this? Pun intended.

30 August 2011

Shady's Back, tell some friends.

I feel so gross.  I think I've been on a carb-fueled binge for like three weeks.  Not an actual binge, but eating more like I was when I was 300 pounds than I was when I was 254/255.  Carbs are such fuel for lethargy, it's incredible.

I was doing well for a hot minute.  Exercising, happy.  I hurt my back a while ago, and it's been flaring up periodically. I think that my lack of core strength really hurt my ability to keep on top of exercising.  I totally lost steam when that happened.  Due to a job that doesn't offer health insurance for an inordinate amount of time, I can't afford to try PT, which I think would benefit my back like crazy.

Starbucks has received more money from me in the past month than I've given them in the past nine months.  Every morning (not even joking - EVERY morning), I've been going to Starbucks for a breakfast sandwich and a chai.  The one good thing is that I cut back from a venti to a grande.  But aside from that, gross.

I don't enjoy food. I wish I did, but even amazing tasting food - it just goes in, goes down, etc (I mean seriously, you get the picture).

I'm having trouble finding the groove to get started again. I have told myself that September 1st will be IT for me.  I won't beat myself up for the next two days, and then in September I'm going to go grocery shopping, cook, force myself to go to a gym, in my building or to join a local one.

I don't want to beat myself up, so I'm not going to really allow it, but I had to vent. I need to find a routine. I like routines!

xox

02 July 2011

What a change...

So, one would think that going to one of the largest and most incredible, populated, busy cities in the world would create a strong desire to work out like crazy and eat healthily.  Well, I thought I ate healthy. I made it a point to walk no less than 15 blocks north at lunch before I ate lunch and turned around to walk 15 more blocks, so that I would get some exercise.  In the evenings I walked between 15-40 blocks before turning around also.  I calculated it and I walked between about 3-6 miles per day.

I ate salads and hummus, made sure to get fruit salad almost every day, ate few "bad" foods, although I ate out for every meal.  I tried to eat at healthy, local and fresh-food serving restaurants and did fairly well, but I do know that I made some poor choices. So, I didn't lose weight. In fact, when I started this new job I was 256 pounds. This morning I was 260 pounds. This was in two weeks.  Travel days were the worst - I have a history of traveling and eating in train stations and airports, eating pretty much crap.  Well, in three weeks I had 6 very long travel days. I know I ate poorly on each of those days.

I feel bloated, gross, lethargic, depressed. I don't feel like I did when I was unemployed but exercising super regularly, eating homemade foods.  This training that I've been in is nine hours long, with a one hour lunch.  By the time I get back to my hotel (after working and walking) I've been up for about 13-15 hours, and I just don't feel like jumping on the elliptical or treadmill, or even doing 20 minutes of weights.

It's horrible to say aloud how much this job is making me miserable so far.  I was made to feel really uncomfortable (by the way of sexual harassment) by someone in a higher up position (whom I will not work with other than the work that has already happened).  I met someone from another location who was an absolute D-BAG, who made the weeks suck even more by putting everyone (me) down to make him/herself seem super awesome and amazing.

I applied to a university today. I hope I get in and can afford to go. I really want to go to school full-time and maybe work part-time.  I want a job that I love, or at least look forward to going to each day.

I can't believe that I've turned such a corner, and for the worse. A month ago I was feeling okay, feeling like I was doing well or at least tolerantly well with weight loss. I honestly expected myself to be 10-12 pounds less by now than I currently weigh.

Also, my sister joined an online dating site last week and convinced me to do it, so I did it today. Then I read an article where a man said that he won't date women over size 12, 14 is pushing it.  He said 16 or higher is just gross. Awesome.  What a smart time to join a website, right?

Oy.  Does anyone have ANY suggestions or ideas as to how I can pull myself out of this slump?  Please reply, Any help or suggestions would be amazing.

17 June 2011

It's my party, and I'll cry if I want to.

My birthday is here.  I hate my birthday. They seem to be getting less amazing and more mundane. Let me explain. Six months ago I moved from the 50 mile radius that I spent 26 of the 27 years of my life in.

For the last five years I worked for a company that I put 150% of my effort into.  I kind of stopped hanging out with a lot of my friends because of this all-consuming job. I missed opportunities to go (for free) to Latin America, and things like that because this job was supposed to be my future, the all-encompassing EVERYTHING.  Two years before I started that job, I made and immediately spent thousands of dollars on going to more than 150 concerts all over the country in one year, therefore also blowing off some of my oldest friends to meet the friends that I had only for the concert-going period of my life.

As I became more and more overweight I set goals for myself, like "I'll surprise my old friends and show up when I've lost 20 pounds, 50 pounds, 100 pounds, 150 pounds..." and "I'll ignore Facebook [which is where I keep in touch with some of my oldest friends] and suddenly put new and pretty pictures of the thin-me up so they'll want to see me again." "When I get a job that pays me well enough to travel, I'm going to ask some friends to go on a great trip!"

So much bad and worse had happened to and with me during the last two years of this so-wonderful-job that I was left with very few people in my life. I moved, and I ended up leaving the company that I dedicated all of my efforts to.  Subsequently, in the last six months of unemployment, it is as if the sh*t finally hit the fan.  Now, no one really contacts me on a regular basis, and in return, I have nothing new to contact them about other than "Hi, doing the same nothing today, the dog park was empty today, very unusual! The dog has gas, it's very stinky. How are you? Loving married life? Beautiful children! New boyfriend? Awesome!"

As I stated before, I can't stand my birthday.  It falls around father's day (I was a "Father's Day baby"), my father passed away years ago, since I've all but disappeared from all of my friends, I have nothing and almost no one around for my birthday.

My siblings and I never really did the presents thing for one another - for whatever reason it just wasn't like that.  Not to sound super selfish, but I received one (albeit very nice) gift from my mother, and Facebook 'Happy Birthday's" from everyone else.  It just seems kind of .... disappointing.  Then I feel really selfish for feeling like I even deserve anything for my birthday, because I know there are people who have even fewer people and things than I do.

I watch my sister call, text, e-mail, facebook all of her friends - she has dozens of them at home. My brother has the same thing - I watch him and his 'crew' that he has been friends with for literally 15-20 years and I just feel terrible. I finally told my sister the other night about how I feel about my birthday.  She had been giving me a hard time about not caring what we did on my birthday, not caring if we went out, not having an opinion on what to do. I started crying in the middle of the restaurant. It was horrible.  I'm crying again now as I write about this, and again as I re-read it.

So, as stated in my previous entry, I have pretty much just given up. I'm back to many of my old habits, I haven't given any thought to even doing Weight Watchers at all, I haven't been to the gym in weeks because of that stupid pedicurist. I just don't care.

14 June 2011

My outsides are cool, my insides are blue...

I slipped quietly into the night a couple of weeks ago. I haven't blogged, I fell away from twitter and all of my accountability, and got lost in my own mind.  In this time, I also gained 2.5 pounds (awesome!!!!).

I was house/pet-sitting, as many of my twitter followers may know.  The first week was great - I was cooking and doing well with exercise.  The second week wasn't as great: I was running out of money and couldn't go grocery shopping, so my roommate ended up buying a lot of the food that we ate that week (I went home almost daily to take the dog out when she worked, then we hung out, etc). Therefore, we ate out a lot. I off-and-on followed my diet, half-heartedly ate on target with Weight Watchers. Ugh.

Week two of house-sitting was a disaster:  The puppy I was house-sitting for tore her Cruciate Ligament during an unexpected and unwanted (on my behalf) play-date with a rough player.  This then required a vet visit (with my rapidly depleting bank account ending up empty), and nearly constant vigilance until her owners came home. I didn't mind at all, she's SUCH a sweet dog, but I was so nervous for her, being 12 months old and having this injury. Thank goodness the owners were kind about everything.

In addition to that, during the second week away my sister took me to get a manicure / pedicure with her, because I've had a horrible six months.  How is this so bad, you ask? <this might gross some people out> When you get a pedicure they tend to shave some dead skin off of your feet with a razor blade that is made for doing this. My pedicurist straight-up cut my feet up, going way too deep and taking off good skin. I was literally bleeding in multiple places on the back of my heels, and it has been really painful to walk on my heels at all.  Two weeks later, today is the first day that my left foot is not painful to walk on, and my right foot is still sore.

So, this all kind of threw me for a loop and I ended up running back to old habits - eating out, eating junk, not exercising at all (partly not my fault).  I traveled too, and if I don't prepare, I generally don't eat healthily when I do. Staying with family up north I did okay, but those travel days can incur tons of calories.


So I came home from pet-sitting and visiting family, and my roommate told me that the dog has resorted to going to the bathroom in the house in protest of my absence. He is 6 and has not had an accident in the house since he was 5 months old: he's doing it to spite us - he's gone from having me 24/7 to being alone a lot. Literally, I was home yesterday, walked 50 feet down the hall to the trash chute and came back in to him having PEED ON THE FUTON in the time since I left!!  Then, I woke up today and he was suddenly pretty sick: according to the vet visit we had to go on today, he has colitis - probably from the dog park or the vet visit yesterday, where he had a check up from tooth surgery. 


I'm also starting a new job on Monday, and I'd be lying if I said that I was super excited about it.  As I've been unemployed, a friend of mine helped me get a job at a Fortune 1000 company where he works.  Now, not to sound whiny or selfish, but this job is in retail and I spent 5 years of my life trying to run as far as possible from retail. It has bad a history for me, I hate it. I am a great sales person, but I hate sales. These two things will be my job. I figured I'd take the job and start working (and hope for the best), but the stress has also added unwanted eating to my past two weeks.


In addition to all of the fun I've been having, my birthday is this month, and around my birthday I always tend to somewhat fall apart.  I've never figured out why, but I tend to go off diets if I'm on one, or lose myself. 


So, I'm "back."  Not fully, but at least I'm admitting to what I've done and what's happened. I really don't want to sound or come across as whiny, because I'm really not trying to be.  All of these 'reasons' are probably reasons for me to fight harder.  I just didn't. I don't know how to get back on track either...  I'm house-sitting again this weekend, then going to NYC M-F for the next two weeks, weekends at home.  Then, I'll be at home for a full week and back to NYC M-F again. The next month is going to be a huge test for me. I need to succeed. I'm at a make-it or break-it standstill. Who has thoughts, ideas?

<as I finished this, "Good Life" by OneRepublic came on. Having Biggest Loser 11 flashbacks. Happy thoughts.> 

27 May 2011

A little bit o' pity

I'm a very optimistic, upbeat dreamer. I take after my father in that way, my family always lets me know that.  I don't regret it though, dreaming.  The only thing that I hate about being a dreamer is this:  The higher you dream the harder you fall, if you fall.  I hold myself to very high standards, so it can be really difficult to go through these "falls."  I went through one today, and it hurt...

This morning I woke up with a general feeling of 'blah.'  The puppy I'm house-sitting for woke me up at about 6am and I had to take care of the her, and the cats. At about 8:30 or 9 I fell back asleep, until noon.  I was so irritated that I slept so late, I was just feeling grumpy.  The only way that I can explain how I felt was told to me on Twitter today:

 Christa Diehl 
@ 
Three months ago, I applied to a top 25 in US University. I have a 4.0 in 3 classes relating to my course of study, and an overall 3.5 GPA. I originally took a non-traditional route in school, then took a job that I thought would be a great career choice. Clearly not. I want to just stop what I am doing in life now and finish my BA, maybe get an MA. As an older student and a female with great letters of recommendation, I thought that I'd have a decent shot.

I went home to meet my roommate, see a movie and do dinner. I grabbed the mail on the way in and found two letters from the school. I was immediately devastated because they were letters and not packages you get when you get accepted. But, seeing that there were two I thought that maybe I was accepted and was given additional info.

I opened the first letter: standard rejection letter.  I opened the second letter: standard rejection letter. I got rejected twice. In the same day. At the same time? For the one spot I applied for??? ARE YOU FLIPPING KIDDING ME? Talk about deflating a balloon (aka my spirit!!!).

I cried, and tried to hide it from my roommate, she bought dinner and our movie, which was so nice.  I didn't count Weight Watchers points, but I doubt I went over, getting up late took care of that for me.

So anyway, here's the rest of my pity party, party of one. I have now totally brought out all of my angry feelings:  I'm hovering around 260ish still, as I've been for 4 weeks. The job that I am supposed to start was pushed so that I'm unemployed for another month. I'm lonely from the male/female relationship aspect, which always comes out around my birthday, which is in about a month.

I just want to feel these feelings and then let them go. I'm allowing myself to feel this pain. But I'll admit, I'm SO frustrated.. Annoyed. Angry. Hurt. Sad. Self-loathing. Feeling worthless. You name it... Ugh.

Tomorrow is another day. I'll start investigating new schools to go to, I'll work out tomorrow, because I have to, not because I want to... I'm human, and I know that this too, shall pass.

26 May 2011

Rock piles, cathedrals and self-worth

Hi, I'm that guy, it's nice to meet you. Today's 'that guy' is the guy who I occasionally want to punch in the face, the one who always lives his/her life through quotes, through others, etc. (I love quotes, but not to the extreme.) Today, I become that guy for a fleeting moment as I offer you one of my recently found and now most favorite quotes. 

A rock pile ceases to be a rock pile the moment a single man contemplates it, 
bearing within him the image of a cathedral.
Antoine de Saint-Exupery


Think about this for a moment, seriously sit back in your chair, pause the treadmill, stop pacing back and forth trying to burn those few extra calories and just think about this. What are we as people?  A lot of us are broken inside, or feel like we must be broken because we haven't got it all figured out, or because we momentarily fail.  We're "rock piles" in the proverbial sense. 

Antoine de Saint-Exupery is the incredible author of 'Le Petit Prince', or 'The Little Prince.'  This was a book that I remember from young childhood, and from senior year of High School, where my teacher had us read it.  I loved it.  

Whoops, I digress.  

The point of this quote to me is this: Along with myself, a lot of people I follow on twitter are partaking in weight loss measures: pant-based food diets, Couch to 5K, Weight Watchers, Biggest Loser Club, you name it. A lot of us have days where we struggle. What I feel like many of us are missing is the ability to see the end result within ourselves already. We already ARE the champions, we just haven't necessarily honed all of our skills to prove this to ourselves and to the world. 

I posted a little while ago about the Iron & Wine song that I love, where I spoke about secretly wishing that I was already 140 pounds, not wanting the scab (to do the work), just wanting the scar (to have already done the work). We all want that. The thing is, we have to try see the end result within ourselves in our current state (maybe, our sense of worthiness) before just we rush after a number.  If we don't, we'll never know what we were looking for, we'll keep running and it'll never be enough. 

But you know what? We all slip up, we have temporary set-backs, we beat ourselves up all day long. Yesterday, I snacked like all day.  Today, I've eaten healthily and am doing great. 

But YOU have to find, within yourself, the image of the proverbial 'cathedral', the person who deserves to be 140 pounds (or whatever your goal is), the person who should be loved today and not in a year from now. Watching the Biggest Loser it looks pretty easy to see others find the 'cathedral' each season, because we see an hour or two of their weeks, they have amazing support. It's easy to pity ourselves or feel self-doubt because we didn't find ourselves in what felt like the instant that these folks did. 

So, I post a challenge to you: Concentrate on small wins every hour, every day. Post your wins, on here, on twitter, in your own blogs. A win is as simple as taking the stairs when you really wanted to take the elevator, turning off the TV to go do fifteen minutes of yard work or walk the dog. Eating a piece of fruit instead of a candy bar. Stop waiting for life to find you. Concentrate on the positive, because you deserve it NOW.

25 May 2011

Biggest Loser Season 11 Finale

We all have opinions, some of stronger than others.  I have opinions, and I think a lot of them are valid!  I was once told that my opinions are either works of fiction or just false, and the person who told me this had opinions that are "fact". Screw that. Here are mine.

The Biggest Loser Season 11 Finale was last night.  And if you haven't seen it [i.e. you live in a dark closet with no internet or TV connections], beware, below are some SPOILERS.  Also below are my opinions. You're welcome. ;)

A few at-home contestants.
These contestants I followed the closest throughout Season 11


Austin: I followed Austin relatively closely.  In the beginning, I wasn't a huge fan of his, but I don't think he was even a big fan of his and I kind of realized that. As he came out of his shell and basically grew up, I became a supporter, and he seems like a cool guy. I was shocked that he lost the at-home prize to Deni, I thought he had it.

Arthur: I didn't really follow him all that closely, but I expected a slightly higher amount of weight loss from him, based on how well he was already doing when they did his follow-up after he was sent home..

Courtney: Love this girl, she seems true to herself and like she cares about everyone.  I was surprised that she didn't lose a bit more weight at home, but based on her twitter posts it seemed like she was pushing really hard.  She looked wonderful, especially from her highest weight, and I expect to see great things from her!

Justin: Okay, I didn't really follow him that much, but did he seem high as a kite to anyone else?

Jen / Sarah: WOW!  Blonde bombshells! I dislike the color blonde (too much like Barbie), but hello hotties! Great job, amazing. Especially Sarah with her 'baby muscles.' Woo!

Kaylee: I'm sorry. Seriously? Really? Kidding? Losing weight is tough, I get it. Keeping it off is really tough, I get it.  But did she just go on this show for Moses? Did she learn anything? Throwing weigh-ins was supposed to end when you got sent home!  Contestants like this (and Rulon, Dan, Don, Q....) irk me, because of people like the white team (Vance and his mom, oh wait, ironically her boyfriend) who seemed like they really would have done well! #!$%^!#$%^

The Final 4: 
These contestants I followed the closest throughout Season 11

Jay:  WHAT a champion. This man, the comeback kid was just that. Something wasn't right with him when he came back from his stint at home, but wow did he come back!  He looks amazing, and in a daughter/father way - I was so proud of him! He seems like a true gentleman!

Irene: Silent Ninja. As the biggest loser on the ranch, I definitely expected a slightly lower number from her, but she really did look stunning.  She seemed "off" last night, which I attribute to nerves.  She is a serious champion though, I definitely love her and am glad she was in the final 3!!

Hannah: I will say, if I had to pick one: Hannah was my favorite.  There, I said it. Her humor with Olivia is just like mine with my sister, and there is something about Hannah that I just really connected with.  She brought light to every tough situation, and I felt so connected with everything she felt about herself.  I hope that I can become half of the beautiful woman she has, and like she spoke about, I can't wait to begin dating again also!  As straight as I am I have a total girl-crush on Hannah! She's hot! :)

Olivia: This woman, I don't even know where to begin. She started out pretty broken, like she had the world on her shoulders and no way out.  Something seemed to click about 8 weeks ago (weeks in the show), and she just dove for it.  I don't think that there was a contestant who wanted it more, for the right reasons. She had specific goals: to be able to have a baby, to lose the weight, to get the opera gigs that she deserves, to become the Biggest Loser. In true sister style, she edged Hannah out by such a small amount, and I'm not surprised: we older sisters are competitive & take-charge! Congratulations Olivia!

The trainers:

Bob: Nothing else to say other than I have the biggest crush on this man, wish he was my trainer and friend, and I hope to meet him some day. Also, I hope that when I meet him I'm at my goal weight so he can call me hot like he did Hannah ;)  Just sayin'. (adore him, value his opinion!)

Cara: I can't hate her, I just can't. I relate to her with losing a parent, and there's something about her that is earnest. She clearly connected emotionally with many of her contestants. I don't think that she was necessarily ready for this task, and I wasn't a fan of her unflattering dress, but I'm kind of disappointed to not see her try to improve for a second season. A lot of people judge Cara and Brett, but listening to Bob/Jillian talk about the earliest Biggest Loser seasons: They weren't perfect then either.  I hope that Cara has learned a ton in this experience.

Brett: I'll admit it, on his teacher challenge, I was hot for teacher.  He was a former overweight person, and I really connected to that.  With his style of training, I didn't really connect, but I think he was really learning a lot and I'm not sure that TV-editing gave him the fairest chance...  But alas, it's been announced that he won't return (nor will Cara), and I wish him well.  I hope that he has learned a ton that will help him do well in the future!

Jillian:  The lovely, strong, tiny firecracker Jillian Michaels. I think that her strong, loud, vibrant demeanor and yet inwardly mushy heart (admit it) made her a staple in the show.  The dynamic will surely change, and like everyone, I will miss her a lot: I'll miss her shouting in the gym, her reactions at weigh-ins, her unwavering outward confidence.  What a role-model I have found in her. I can't mourn, as I listen to her podcasts whilst exercising, plan on buying Unlimited at the next possible financially right moment. I await her tweets on twitter like a child awaiting summer vacation, and look forward to seeing her future endeavors.

Anna: Really?  I mean, I don't want to judge her yet and I'm trying SO hard not to, but really? All I could see were legs last night.  A sports star knows how to train personally, but to train others? I'm skeptical, that's as honest as I can be. I don't really relate to her because I don't know her story.  I feel like NBC was trying to attract viewers by hiring her, but then why let go of Brett and Cara, at least they have a season of BL experience!  Why not have more personal training time, let Bob lead the trainers, take charge that way?  Eh.  I can't hate, I just can't.  But it'll take some convincing by NBC on my part..

So overall?  The finale seemed a bit rushed and confusing, though I was grinning ear to ear for most of it. Not unhappy that Rulon wasn't on, could've done without Q, Dan and Don. I look forward to seeing the next year for the Season 11 contestants.  I can't wait to feel like these contestants talk about feeling- the happiness, the euphoria, the new-ness of life. I'll probably start watching Season 12 when it comes on in September.  I hope that by the time Season 12 begins, I weigh less than at least a few of the women!  <-- honesty.

Please share your thoughts, opinions on the show or on my post.  Would love some discussion. :)

21 May 2011

Upgrading? You wish!




There it is.  My baby! A car that I want almost solely only for its luxury (Lexus RX 450h), for the fact that it's so quiet inside, it handles well, I bet it's built like a tank. I'll keep the trunk clean, I'll never eat in it, I'll vacuum it monthly, no weekly, no daily, I'll be the best owner ever I promise!!  



I was in bed last night thinking about cleaning my car - vacuuming out the 10 pounds of dog hair that I'm sure to find, cleaning out and vacuuming the trunk.  Then I caught myself thinking 'whatever, this is just your old car, when you upgrade someday in the distant future, you'll keep that one clean!' But wait, that's never going to happen.  



Oh no, the gears started turning. Is that what I always do? Well, I think that's what I do, I put the unattainable on a pedestal: in a completely different context from what the 40-year old virgin says: "..put the p**sy on a pedestal."  "I'll eat better, I'll workout harder, when I'm thinner, smaller, healthier, happier, etc." That was exactly my problem.



Why do I deserve this lovely, wonderful, perfect car if I can't keep my own in the shape it deserves?  It's not even that old - not even old enough to be in third grade (if it were human, of course)!  I love my car.  It's not quite a beater, but by the time I can afford to and will upgrade to something nice, I'm sure it will be just that.  This car has taken me more than 100,000 miles, it's seen me through some really tough times! 



I started doing Weight Watchers knowing that I'd lose weight if I followed the diet plan, and I was doing that - slowly.  I said things to myself like "Yeah, when I'm 250 pounds I'll work out because it'll be easier" and "When I am in 'One-derland (the 100-199 pound weight zone, for the non-Biggest Loser fans) I will feel happy and then will even start to date!" 



Not to say that I've just turned a corner or become suddenly enlightened, but I've figured some personal stuff out: I have always set goals for myself that I will never be able to, or that will be nearly impossible to attain.  



I think that's why I started doing the Couch to 5K, using Twitter, and most specifically blogging.  No more excuses and delays: I'll start concentrating on small 'wins,' begin my life now, not when something so unbelievably fantastic happens to me.  Because, if I continue living in this twisted fantasy land that I'm in, if these unbelievably fantastic things actually do happen, I'll have no one to share them with



I pose these questions to you: Why!? Why do I, why do you (if you do), why do we put ourselves through these cyclical nightmares?  Do you do something similar? What have been your experiences with turning corners?  I deserve this now, YOU deserve this now

20 May 2011

Don't want the scab, only want the scar

FYI, this post has a slightly more adult theme to it (a couple of edited curse words, basically). Just be warned! :) 

So, I'm a bleeding heart (no pun intended, you'll see why in a minute) Iron & Wine fan.  I have been since long-before Garden State. For the movie, Zach Braff came to my house, stole all of my music, put my favorites it in his movie and gave me no credit. It was devastating! I'm totally kidding, of course, but it sure felt like that. ;)  Especially after people always say 'Oh, do you like so-and-so because of Garden State?' and then I wanted to slam my head through a brick wall. 

Anyway, I digress. A common theme.  "Let's circle back" as an old boss used to say (nails on a chalkboard)!  Iron & Wine have a song called Innocent Bones.  I've always loved it.  It's relaxing, the instruments are great, and I love the vocals. Here are the lyrics: 

Cain got a milk-eyed mule from the auction
Abel got a telephone 
And even the last of the blue-eyed babies know
That the burning man is the color of the end of day
And how every tongue that gets bit always has another word to say 

Cain bought a blade from some witch at the window
Abel bought a bag of weed 
And even the last of the brown-eyed babies see 
That the cartoon king has a tattoo of a bleeding heart 
There ain't a penthouse christian that wants the pain of the scab, but they all want the scar 
How every mouth sings of what it's without so we all sing of love 
And how it ain't one dog who's good at f--king and denying who he's thinking of

Cain heard a cat tumble limp off the rooftop 
Abel heard his papa pray 
And even the last of the black-eyed babies say 
That every saint has a chair you can borrow in a church to sell
That the wind blows cold across the backs of a master and the kitchen help 
There's a big pile of innocent bones still holding up the garden wall 
And it was always the broken hand we learned to lean on after all 
How God knows if Christ came back he'd find us in a poker game 
After finding out the drinks were all free but they won't let you out the door again

So the three lines of lyric that I love the most are bolded.  I know that every time I get bit I fight back.  With PTSD, I generally don't realize what I'm saying until it's too late. It's fight or flight - my brain's in flight, but I fight.  I'm getting better though. Win

The second lyric, "There ain't a penthouse christian that wants the pain of the scab, but they all want the scar" hits me every time I hear it, and I think of this lyric probably 3 times a week. I want to be 140 pounds. Do I honestly want to work it off ounce by ounce, 1-2 pounds per week until I get there? Goodness no! But, I'm going to, because magic wands do not exist, except for in Harry Potter....Those b*st*rds. ;-)  Win, I'm fighting back!

To those who feel like they need to fight or flight and are weighing heavily on the latter part, think about the second and third bolded lines: What are you running from? Are you looking for the scar, but running from the pain of the scab? Remember, it was always the broken hand we learned to lean on after all.  We can run, we can lash out, we can give up. We learned to lean on the broken hand, we learned to be weak, we learned to give up.  So UN-LEARN it all. 

The voices of Negative Nancy, Pissy Paula, Bitter Betty (sorry if your first names are any of these!) will visit us all sometimes, but have the option to have last word with them. I'm choosing to Win. Win with me. 

19 May 2011

Win, wins, winning or losing

Looking at the context of the current forefront of my 'journey,' I'm going to address my confusion about winning in regards to diet, exercise and really, life.


WIN
–verb (used without object)
1. to finish first in a race, contest, or the like.
2. to succeed by striving or effort: He applied for a scholarship and won.
3. to gain the victory; overcome an adversary: The home team won.


Clearly I understand the dictionary definition of win... I'm surprisingly bright!  But, after tooting my own horn for a moment I have to ask, what exactly constitutes a 'win' in my day-to-day journey?

- I have lost more than 41 pounds in 6 months: I know that this constitutes a win. 
- I have shrunk 2 sizes so far: I know that this is a definite win.
- I have reached out via twitter and blogging, to share what I have for so long feared. WIN! 
- I have let go of the two biggest stressors in my life: such a win! 
- I had mexican food today, had half the rice of usual, no sour cream, no chips! Kind of a win? 

I get it, I'm winning in many things...Right?

Today I didn't want to go to the gym. I was dragging. I was a little dehydrated, feeling sluggish after my burrito today (which I had allocated WW Points to and had chosen ingredients for carefully!), the list goes on.

I dragged myself to the gym, walking down 6 flights of stairs to get there. I stretched and then spent a whopping 11 minutes on the treadmill, stopping when I hit 100 calories.  I stretched and did some light weight-lifting and jumped on the elliptical for 15 minutes with a 3 minute cool down.  I started normally and then became really aggressive, which is different for me. I went as high as 12.5 miles per hour on the elliptical and burned 189 calories.

I will admit, getting to that speed and keeping my speed at more than 6.5mph for more than 10 minutes was a pretty big win for me, (I usually do 4-5mph steady for about 45 minutes).  I stretched and did a couple of minutes of additional weight-training after the 18-minute, 189 calorie stint on the elliptical, then I just sluggishly left.  I walked up 6 flights of stairs after my time at the gym and that felt like a small win. Was the whole gym trip a loss because I fell about 500 calories short of my usual hour?

How do you find WINs in your day-to-day life?  How do they keep you going?  What do you constitute a win?  Do you see yourself winning only when you lose 1 or more pounds in a week? Is .1 pound loss a win?  What do you call a loss?

18 May 2011

Being Present

I hate the term 'being present.' I probably hate it the most because I never really was 'present.'  I've been pretty mechanical, which I think will explain some of my anxieties and depression, and for sure PTSD.. I just go through life, non-stop, everything has to be right, done right, mechanically handled, etc.

I've lost weight before. In 1994 I went to fat camp for 6 weeks and lost 24 lbs.  I went from 140 to 116 and I looked amazing afterwards. I was in middle school, and kids were much nicer to me that year. Boys told me that I looked pretty for the first, and what feels like the last time. But, By 14 I was at about 180 and by the end of high school I hit about 200.

I lost weight at 21 years old (20 lbs, back to 200lbs), but it was all mechanical - I did the diet, I lost weight. Things happened and I ate again: for stress, depression, happiness, boredom, fear, you name it.. In 6 1/2 years, I must have really checked out, because all of the sudden as I've shared, I was 300 lbs.

I went through treatment for an ED two years ago, but I'm not sure that I was present for all of that, or if it was the right treatment. I don't know what I weighed, because I was terrified of finding out. I don't think I lost weight, because they had us maintain (or gain, for those who had EDs that required it).. It was then that I was diagnosed with PTSD, which I've found really causes me to close my mind and just forget, not allow any information in. Literally.

So, the past 6 or 7 years have been a blur, some times more than others.. I was struggling with that emotion vs. intellect that I've spoken about, but I think it's even more-so, I've struggled with being there and being okay with sharing my experiences.

Something is different now, or at least it feels like it is.  Maybe it was seeing the number 3 as the first number of my weight, or realizing that I have missed out on so much, maybe it was removing myself from the biggest stresses in my life, I don't know.  But this time I think like I'm actually feeling the weight loss, I'm seeing it happen, I'm keeping track.  I'm blogging about it, which means that I'm sharing my experiences, which I've rarely done before.

I'm trying to be present during exercising. I'm trying to feel my muscles during their struggle, and remember how I feel afterward. I'm trying to engrain it into my brain what I feel when I put clothes on that are too big. I'm trying to remember that five years ago, I was wearing shirts that fit now, so I probably only have 15 lbs to lose until I reach the weight I was 4-5 years ago. I'm trying to remember that being at a weight from five years ago after only six months of hard work is amazing.  I'm finding amazing, strong, supportive online supporters and friends, and this is just the beginning!

16 May 2011

Roller coaster motivation

I've been unemployed for a while. This has led to an off-and-on inspired, lazy, energetic, lethargic, up, down, roller coaster lifestyle for a couple of months. Luckily, I've pretty much stuck to my diet, and whereas I could be healthier than I am, I am working towards that, it's tough to stay motivated on an even level.

With what I think is my PTSD and anxiety rearing their ugly heads, I notice that sometimes I'll put things off that are very important. For example, I needed to get a document notarized and sent off with other documents, and could have done this two weeks ago. Instead, I waited until what I realize could be the last possible moment to get it done and still meet the deadline. Now, I ended up paying extra money for it, and am now going to be on edge about it until I hear back.

Sometimes, like last week, I'll have 200% motivation and focus. Now herein lies the question: who has had this type of roller coaster motivation and conquered it? How did you do that?

14 May 2011

My NEW (second) blog!

I created a second blog.  This blog is for day-to-day happenings, stress, weight loss, happiness, etc.  The new one, is to specifically follow my new love (ideal) of plant-based dieting. 

The link is here: Making Monumental Success Personal. The reason it's called that is because of 'The China Study,' a book by the Drs. Campell and actually study done in China. At the recommendation on twitter by the lovely Bob Harper, I saw the documentary 'Forks over Knives' today.  I needed to get away from my mind, and my goodness now I can't wait to get away from my current lifestyle! 

The other blog will probably only be a couple of posts per week, and will contain mainly food and plant-based food information (i.e. recipes that I like, hate, try, etc).  I'm trying to come up with a structure and I think that I might do 1 recipe per week, and give myself a time limit until I'm eating like 90% plant-based foods or something.  I'm toying with the structure, trying to see how I can incorporate it into my current Weight Watchers plan, etc.  I'm so excited though!! :) 

Bitter effing Betty.

Okay, so I like to think of myself as a generally positive person. I'm kind, considerate, I'm taking control of my life and diet, blah blah blah. But I have a long fuse with a short warning. This means that I can be treated like crap for a really long time before I just snap. My roommate has a crazy schedule. She works nights and days, has a crazy sleep schedule, etc.

When I make a commitment, I stick to it. When my roommate makes a commitment that has to do with work, or people outside the apartment, she sticks to it. When it comes to us, she could give a sh*t. Interactive alarm clock wake-ups, this being me baby-sitting her bedside until she wakes up and an hour later actually GETS up, is only fun like once in a while. I have mentioned this, asked her to set her own alarms, etc. Basically, I mother her, I cook, I do the dishes. The dog that I talk about is hers, but I take care of him because she doesn't. She instead sleeps for 10 hours a night while I'm exercising her dog for 2 hours a day. This has been a building issue.

Today we had a commmitment. Someone (a person in my life, not hers) paid $50 for us to do a charity walk. She stayed up all night, going to bed only 30 minutes before we had to get dressed, and then bailed on me, ignoring me as I'm trying to wake her up. So after 45 minutes I screamed "enjoy your sleep you f**king princess!!!" and left. I had to explain the problem and the people we were with weren't pleased, especially as I had to pay them back.

So, on top of this I weigh in at 263 this AM. Are you f-ing kidding me!?!?!?!? That's 3.2 pounds heavier than my elated day 2 mornings ago. I was finally out of the blasted 260s and that happened. I have been working out at 400-1200 calories per workout, 5 days in a row. I know that it could be h2O retention or muscle gain, but I'm so frustrated with my week as a whole that this just made me so angry. Dumb!!!!

Anyway, there is my rant. I'm so mad. But, I left the house and am going to see "Forks over Knives" I think it's called, as suggested by the lovely Bob Harper. Additionally, I typed this on my phone, I take no credit for spelling and grammar errors!!! I hope all of your Saturday's go much better than mine is so far!!!

11 May 2011

checking in

I went to the local island again to walk with the dog; we walked for 70 minutes.  It was probably 3.0 - 3.5 mph, with bits of jogging thrown in.  I averaged (according to an online calculator and averaging), approximately 600 calories.

After I got back I was tired.  I stupidly sat down for a minute and so did not want to move. I got up anyway and forced myself down to the gym, because I already made that promise to myself.  I did the elliptical for 50 minutes, for 563 calories.  1163 calories is pretty good for a day! :)

That all being said, I'm feeling pretty good about it! :)  My shin bone hurts a lot right underneath the skin, so I'm kind of wondering if I am developing a shin-splint, which I've never had before. I'm probably going to skip any jogging, and do a slightly lighter activity tomorrow, which will be day 5 in a row of activity :) ..  It will be raining for almost a week beginning tomorrow night, so I think I'll take Friday as a rest day before my Saturday 3-mile walk.

I need to focus on stretching a lot more. I can't figure out why my muscles are so tight and aren't loosening up at all. I also feel kind of dumb that I'm proud of myself for exercising for 4 days in a row so far, because it's such a small accomplishment.  But oh well.  Bed time! :)  Night!

Mid-week weigh-in, coming clean.

I'll start this off by saying that I never talk about food or eating with people. I was in treatment for an ED once (compulsive overeating) and other than in group and personal therapy there, I haven't talked about it... On that train of thought, I haven't actually BINGED (like 2k+ calories binged) in at least a 6-9 months, so I have been doing well, other than still slightly over-eating, occasional stress or emotional eating, or just eating the wrong foods etc. I've been keeping track of things relatively well. Working on getting better. 


My weekly online Weight Watchers weigh-ins are on Sundays. I haven't been exercising and it was catching up to me.  I didn't lose any week last week (261.4 to 261.4). So on Sunday and Monday, I decided to go exercising with the dog, and I did each day; it felt great! I didn't eat all that much during the day on Monday. That night, I had a huge binge with my roommate who did the same thing. For no reason other than we were watching TV, bored, and ate pizza from the box instead of civilized using plates!! 


Over the course of two hours I ate half an order of cheese fries and an entire medium (12") cheese pizza. OMFG!!!!! I didn't sleep Monday night, at all. I actually stayed up the entire night and read a book, feeling like I absolutely wanted to die. How could I have done this so regularly before!? I mean, I used to almost do it daily!! I felt sick until Tuesday at about 1pm. 


As I've now blogged about 34 times about it, y'all will know that I had a 712 calorie workout yesterday and I felt pretty amazing.  Today I'm going to bring the dog out to the island we've been going to do and do it again.  After that, I'm going to spend some time at the gym and try to do at least 30 minutes on the elliptical, to keep at a 700+ calorie daily daily output. 


Today when I woke up I weight myself again, to see if the damage was really done: 260.8. I'm so relieved.  I forgive myself for Monday and am going to count it as a lesson learned.  This entire week I'm going to try to make up for it and I want to lose at least 2 pounds from my Sunday weigh-in. I deserve forgiveness, I expect hard work, and I deserve to lose 2 pounds!! 

10 May 2011

This I Believe, This I Deserve.

I love http://thisibelieve.org/  There are so many powerful essays that speak to so many different types of people.  I listened to a Jillian Michaels' podcast today, and as I mentioned in a prior blog, she asked the woman who called in to the show what she wanted, what she deserved in losing weight.  This is what I believe, this is what I deserve.

I believe that I am worth it. I believe in myself. I believe that I am intelligent, witty, kind, beautiful, and as many people have told me: the spark that lights up any room that I enter

This is a recent phenomenon for me, as before about a year ago I only sought acceptance and love from others. I cared more about what others thought of me than what I have thought of myself.  I always wanted to lose weight FOR so-and-so, BECAUSE so-and-so might love or appreciate me, IF xyz happened in my life, you name it, I excused it.  

In my teen and young-adult years, I always had adult men say things like "Oh, if I were only 5/10/20 years younger .... If we only met at the right time ... You'd have been my first choice if I wasn't already married, dating, there was no age difference, etc... Someone wonderful will come along for you..."  I have had experiences that I'd much rather forget, and I haven't met one man who truly cares enough about me or respects me enough to deserve me.

Now, I imagine Bob Harper & Jillian Michaels from The Biggest Loser (who, yes, I've put on a very tall pedestal) would say to me something along the lines of: "Cut the crap. What's blocking you? Get up, get moving, get over it!"  So, that's what I'm attempting. 

In the past year I have lost my job, lost nearly 40 pounds (that took at least 3 years to gain) and lost what I thought was my sanity, but what turned out to be the exact opposite. I lost some things that were holding me back, now I'm trying to shed the rest.  

For the future, this I deserve

• I deserve a body that matches my wonderful personality.
• I deserve a body and mind that work together, and not against one another. 
• I deserve unwavering self-confidence. 
• I deserve to live in a world where I am not fighting PTSD on an hourly or daily basis.
• I deserve to walk down a street and not feel judged, most of the judgement coming from within.
• I deserve to feel sexy and confident in a Little Black Dress.
• I deserve to walk into a store and pick out fashionable clothes, not flower print tops meant for the elderly.
• I deserve to feel love from a man, with a connection that I've never had, in a way that I've never loved.
• I deserve to love myself over all others, unselfishly and fiercely. 


This I believe: I am fighting a battle that will take a long time to win. I believe that I am strong enough to fight it, if I just continue to believe in myself and ask for help. I believe that I will have good days and bad days. I believe that although there are days that I will want to hide under my old fat-suit, but I know that it's an escape.  I believe that I will succeed, and that I will bring many people up with me. I want this, all of this I believe.

All this for a banana!?

I came back from the gym and felt great.  I was about to get in the shower when I realized I was ravenous.  I went into the kitchen for a banana.  Something smelled a bit funky, like a slightly decaying food item, near where I keep wine and cookbooks.  Gross, I had to investigate. 

I pulled the wine rack forward by about 2-3" and the largest bottle I've ever had in my kitchen (an inexpensive 2009 pinot grigio for the curious), which was laying on top slid back against the wall and just cracked open.  

Wine was gushing everywhere, into two drawers and two cabinets, soaking everything in its path.  All pots and pans, all utensils, measuring items, everything was just soaked.  My legs and feet were covered in wine, the drawers were like a pinot grigio swimming pool. 

I moved back and forth from the trash can to the sink to the counter to the cabinets and vice versa. It took about 2/3 of a roll of paper towels and 20 minutes to mop up the mess.  It'll take two loads in the dishwasher to ensure that everything is cleaned and not sticky and/or gross. In all of this, I only wanted a banana.   Story of my life! :) 

Jillian Michaels

I just sent a tweet announcing the fact that I'd be skipping my workout today: I have been up since yesterday AM, am sore, etc. I immediately saw a tweet from @JMRadioShow: "Think you've hit a plateau? Think again! Check out @JillianMichaels advice on her latest podcast, available now! http://bit.ly/fWv8DV". 

Immediately I felt guilty that I was going to skip all forms of exercise today and decided to go to the gym. I put on an XL shirt that never fit before (score!) and an XL set of exercise pants that didn't quite fit, but which I wore anyway.

In the gym first thing I see is @Ali_Sweeney on the TV.  I smiled, thinking 'yep, this is right.'  I get on an elliptical and turn on the TV. Listening to the podcast, I hear @JillianMichaels say 'Weight Watchers' just as I look up at the @WeightWatchers commercial playing on TV.  Again, it felt right.

The workout was so easy, very steady. I did 45 minutes on the elliptical and 16 on the treadmill, for a total of 712 calories.  I kept watching myself in the mirror, feeling self-loathing regarding my appearance and happiness regarding my current weight loss.  As usual, former demons crept in and out, trying to almost taunt me into giving up and stopping the workout.  

This came to me: My brain did this to my body, my body didn't ask for it.  The 140 pound version of me living in the light at the end of the tunnel loves working out. The demon on the other shoulder, the one who has been winning for so long, tries to keep me fat, safe from taking chances, safe from actually living my life... Like it wants me all to its' self.  My brain let this second voice have the stronger influence on me, but I'm done and I hope I can stick to these guns.  

In Jillian's radio show, she asked the woman who called in what she deserved, what she wanted, why she wanted to lose 70 pounds.  I immediately started typing along on my phone, things that I wanted for myself, things I deserve.  That'll be another blog, hopefully coming tonight. 

The moral of my day, I think, is that yes the work that I've put in is amazing, but I constantly struggle with my brain. Clearly, if I can conquer my two sides, my PTSD symptoms, my 'demon-side' that is constantly putting me down, this will become so much easier.  The question is... How?