Don't want the scab, only want the scar

FYI, this post has a slightly more adult theme to it (a couple of edited curse words, basically). Just be warned! :) 

So, I'm a bleeding heart (no pun intended, you'll see why in a minute) Iron & Wine fan.  I have been since long-before Garden State. For the movie, Zach Braff came to my house, stole all of my music, put my favorites it in his movie and gave me no credit. It was devastating! I'm totally kidding, of course, but it sure felt like that. ;)  Especially after people always say 'Oh, do you like so-and-so because of Garden State?' and then I wanted to slam my head through a brick wall. 

Anyway, I digress. A common theme.  "Let's circle back" as an old boss used to say (nails on a chalkboard)!  Iron & Wine have a song called Innocent Bones.  I've always loved it.  It's relaxing, the instruments are great, and I love the vocals. Here are the lyrics: 

Cain got a milk-eyed mule from the auction
Abel got a telephone 

And even the last of the blue-eyed babies know
That the burning man is the color of the end of day
And how every tongue that gets bit always has another word to say 

Cain bought a blade from some witch at the window
Abel bought a bag of weed 

And even the last of the brown-eyed babies see 

That the cartoon king has a tattoo of a bleeding heart 
There ain't a penthouse christian that wants the pain of the scab, but they all want the scar 
How every mouth sings of what it's without so we all sing of love 
And how it ain't one dog who's good at f--king and denying who he's thinking of

Cain heard a cat tumble limp off the rooftop 
Abel heard his papa pray 
And even the last of the black-eyed babies say 
That every saint has a chair you can borrow in a church to sell
That the wind blows cold across the backs of a master and the kitchen help 
There's a big pile of innocent bones still holding up the garden wall 
And it was always the broken hand we learned to lean on after all 
How God knows if Christ came back he'd find us in a poker game 
After finding out the drinks were all free but they won't let you out the door again

So the three lines of lyric that I love the most are bolded.  I know that every time I get bit I fight back.  With PTSD, I generally don't realize what I'm saying until it's too late. It's fight or flight - my brain's in flight, but I fight.  I'm getting better though. Win! 

The second lyric, "There ain't a penthouse christian that wants the pain of the scab, but they all want the scar" hits me every time I hear it, and I think of this lyric probably 3 times a week. I want to be 140 pounds. Do I honestly want to work it off ounce by ounce, 1-2 pounds per week until I get there? Goodness no! But, I'm going to, because magic wands do not exist, except for in Harry Potter....Those b*st*rds. ;-)  Win, I'm fighting back!

To those who feel like they need to fight or flight and are weighing heavily on the latter part, think about the second and third bolded lines: What are you running from? Are you looking for the scar, but running from the pain of the scab? Remember, it was always the broken hand we learned to lean on after all.  We can run, we can lash out, we can give up. We learned to lean on the broken hand, we learned to be weak, we learned to give up.  So UN-LEARN it all. 

The voices of Negative Nancy, Pissy Paula, Bitter Betty (sorry if your first names are any of these!) will visit us all sometimes, but have the option to have last word with them. I'm choosing to Win. Win with me.