PTSD

I've been dreading talking about this. I can't hide behind it anymore, as much as I want to. About 18 months ago, I was diagnosed with PTSD. Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder.  Without going into too many details, there have been about 5-6 separate traumatic events or time-periods over the span of 20 years that have taken me from 'great' to 'okay' to 'bad' to 'worse' to 'bloody awful,' where I sit now.

I grew up a bubbly, outgoing, fun, a total dreamer, caring, prepared for anything kind of girl.  In high school, I was voted most likely to go into the Peace Corps. I was in half a dozen choirs, head of many community service events, you name it and I had my hand in it. I grew up the center of the room: when I walked in, you knew it and I was comfortable there.  There was nothing show-boaty about me, I just was and still am me: as sincere as I can be...

During my adult life, I would say four of the aforementioned traumas have happened. In six years I gained 100 pounds. I'm starting to lose it (I'm down 38.6 pounds) and am trying to take precautions, but I don't feel any better. Living with PTSD is pure hell. I'm trapped behind this wall of anxiety and dread.  I cry at the drop of a hat.

Nearly any time that I have a conversation that sparks a debate or resembles one, I forget almost everything immediately thereafter. If I feel threatened, survival instincts kick in and I just lash out to get the issue to end. It almost always causes friction, and I can never explain myself properly.  If I can picture myself doing anything inside, it's as if someone threw me into a pit of spiders and snakes, and I'm closing my eyes and screaming, jumping around and trying to push them away.

I turn everyone away: I can't bring myself to respond. For example, someone e-mailed me about ten days ago, and I've been sitting on the e-mail dreading my response. There is nothing sour at ALL on either side, it is actually relatively positive, but it is something that I blew off to handle later and then blew up from a tiny grape to an entire vineyard.

In the past I went through periods of paranoia - not bad, but there. In my old place of residence, every noise was a burglar, and someone was definitely about to break in.  I saw a specific car on my then street, not identical to one that I feared, but a four door version of the two door car that I wished to avoid, and I broke out in cold sweats, panting, tearing up and eventually keeping a knife with me 'just in case.'

When I get to do something (i.e. go to a job, get an interview, etc) I am able to like a light switch really turn the old me back on. Phone interviews are always amazing - I am a pretty good phone person.  When people ask how I am (friends that I still have left), I'm always FINE (f.i.n.e. see liner notes here)!

Lately, I've been feeling so stressed out to where I can't cope.  I have been trying to find a job and have applied for around 100 jobs and have been turned down for 30 so far. It's really difficult, because it's bringing up so many of the past issues, and with no job, money, or insurance, I can't even see a therapist to deal with this stuff..

I started a job 10 days ago and left it 6 days ago after one of my new colleagues, who unprofessional and very slimy, said things to me that made me slip into yet another 'funk.'  Knowing that I didn't deserve what I was getting there, I opted to leave. I finally listened to my gut. It didn't make me feel any better though, and I still don't feel any better.

Recently I have become kind of internally aggressive. I've pictured myself punching people who upset me. At one point at the job last week, to the piss-ant who ignorantly told me that I would receive no love and be a cat lady forever (I hate cats), I pictured horrible and somewhat violent things happening to him.  I am probably the least violent person I know. Sometimes things don't affect me immediately, but they affect me a few days later, it builds up, I stress eat, regret it, etc.

So, I don't know what the gist of this is.  I'm on such a roller coaster of emotions, I just want something amazing to happen to me. I want so badly to be happy. I have fleeting moments where I picture myself to be: a carefree adventurer, an athlete, someone who just loves herself to pieces, a gym-rat, able to stand solidly on my own two feet, financially stable, in love, happy, satisfied. I yearn for those days. I need those days to start. I need an up-swing.

DISCLAIMER:  I'm not looking for a pity party, I just needed to get this out. Only a few people in my life know about my PTSD and only one family member even knows most of what I wrote..