Help; I need somebody, Help; not just anybody..

I'm a morning person.  My body wakes me up at 6-7am, no matter what time I went to sleep.  If it's 8am, it's a damn miracle.  My job requires me to work late, meaning 12p-10p four days per week.  I usually have a break at around 3:30 or 4pm, so by the time I get home I'm starving, and so exhausted that I don't want to cook or prepare anything. So I eat: crap foods.

The month of December has been pure hell at work. I've been yelled at by ignorant people, we've been robbed where I work (long story), and for the entire month of December I'm working late.  I usually work these later shifts once or twice per week which is fine, it's when I take my dog to the dog park in the morning.  Now that I'm doing it four times per week, I notice that I eat crap foods when I get home.  My roommate wakes up at 5-7pm for the night because of her work schedule, so she's always up for eating when I get home, which in a sense encourages and enables me.

This job doesn't pay me well. I find that because I'm always in the poor house, when I get money I can't hold onto it. A lot of times it goes to food.  I have a feeling that it's a deep-rooted issue from childhood, because I know we had some money troubles for a few years back then, and I was always really terrible at budgeting. Also, I was always teased about my weight and turned to hiding and eating food when I was like 5 years old and older.  I know this is all related to PTSD but I can't figure out how.. I also go to the grocery store and buy fresh and beautiful foods with desires to cook, but most of the time they go wasted.  I get anxiety cleaning out the fridge, knowing a. how much money I wasted, and b. how it means what I really put in my body.

I hate waking up full and feeling disgusting.  This is a true sign that I've slipped into some of my old ways. This is truly embarrassing, but here is a taste of my old ways and what I put myself through last night.  I got home at 10:20pm and thought about ordering food. For some reason I have this thing that I can't figure out: if I think about food in a certain way ('ooh, I want pizza'), it is an all-consuming 'deal' until I actually do what my brain is consumed with: eat the food I can't stop thinking about.  By can't stop thinking about it, I mean NOTHING stops me from thinking about it. I won't pay attention to conversations, TV, music, internet, you name it.  Then I do what I'm consumed with and it's like 'okay cool, back to reality.'

Last night I unfortunately thought about a calzone and mozzarella sticks.  At 10:30pm I ordered them, and started watching (of all things, The Biggest Loser).  I ordered said food as well as a pizza, 'to tide me over for a couple of days.'  They came at 11:15; I ate my calzone and mozzarella sticks, and when I was putting away the pizza took a slice to eat. I don't know why, but !#%(&# @$%@ I wish I hadn't.  I sat on the couch in a sad state of lethargy, watching the Biggest Loser contestants run a marathon. P.S. if John wins this I would like to personally drive to his house and punch him in the face for being a bloody jerk.

So I went to bed last night, and just like in my old ways I had trouble falling asleep. It was after 2:30am when I finally did.  I woke up this morning at around 7:30, and fought off actually getting up due to exhaustion until 9. Then I got up.  I got an all-consuming desire to blog this, like I know it would help.  It hasn't, but maybe it will soon.  I don't know what to do. My job doesn't offer health insurance for more than six months, so I'm still waiting on that. I'm sure therapy would help, but I'm stuck.

I can't live, if living is without you

Mariah Carey said it right ... in that one line anyway. "I can't live, if living is without you-u-u." I have two pillows on my bed and I sleep on the left side of my bed with a specific pillow. The other one I only occasionally use, if I sleep on my side. Mind you, they're not that different - maybe just an inch or two of thickness at most. Sometimes I accidently put them on the opposite side of the bed (whilst changing sheets etc), and it can take a couple of horrific nights to figure this out.

Late last week, I did the dreadful incorrect side switch. Unbeknownst to me as to why, I have had 16 to *maybe* 18 hours of sleep in 3 days. I have trouble falling asleep, do so around 12-12:30, and wake up by 5:30-6 with a painful stiff neck and back, feeling frustrated, delirious.  My days go south: I don't exercise as I'm exhausted, food habits turn to junk, etc. Of course I can never figure out why, until my pillows are discovered!

The stars aligned early this morning, when for some reason I clutched my pillow.  It felt funny, just off slightly.  I reached over to the other pillow and I could almost hear the sky opening up and birds singing. I DID IT AGAIN! I quickly switched them and laid back. I was so excited to go back to sleep, but I realized that I had to get out of bed at that moment. Talk about a buzz kill.

So, dear pillow, please don't leave me.  You are one idiosyncrasy that I can't bear to part with. I look forward to an early night tonight, and 8-9 hours of blissful sleep.