I need a makeover

I don't know what is WRONG with me.  I fix a problem for someone at work and I have to hold back tears because of feeling good and knowing that I made their day better. I watch the Biggest Loser and I cry.  I tell a sweet story about someone and surprise! I tear up.  I watch a video or a commercial that's touching and freaking bloody surprise!!! I cry like a baby. Every single couple I see I feel like punching in the stomach with my green fist filled with envy.  On the flip side, I see a good looking guy, or a tall guy around my age who isn't wearing a wedding ring and my thoughts in this order are: "Oooh, no ring. How YOU doin'?  Who are you kidding, you're fat he'd never go for you. Moving right along... Stop self, don't tear up, C'MON!!!"  It's almost as if my brain is shouting out "I'm not happy, so you shouldn't be either!!!!!!!!" I'm just so worn out all of the time. 

I watch the Biggest Loser every week and I love the show so much.  I watch Jillian Michaels, Bob Harper and Dolvett Quince train their contestants and I am filled with envy. I want that experience so badly.  I have so far to go: 100-130 pounds until I get to a satisfactory weight.  I haven't seen the dastardly 'one-derland' since I was 14 years old, if not younger.  The thought of it terrifies me, I've spent more than half of my life this way, all of my adulthood. Who would I even be?  I see Danni Allen in this season's BL and I find myself dying to be in her shoes.  I feel like that could be me.  I feel like it should be me (in addition to, not instead of her)...

I've been dieting.  It has been going okay; I lost around 10 pounds in February / first week of March, but I had a weekend away and I'll find out for sure in the morning but I think I've gained a few pounds again.  I feel like crap: emotionally, physically, psychologically.   I need a head to toe makeover, starting with my brain.  I'm so lethargic and never feel like exercising.  For weeks I was making veggie smoothies to take to work and was eating solely at home, but for the past week I just haven't.  I don't know where to begin again.  I hear / read / listen to people say 'start small! positive affirmations!' but any time I have been involved with a person or group who talks about that, I want to curse at them and in plain english say "S.T.F.U."

I have figured out a few of my key issues: 

1. Depressed over a death of a parent (though it was 8 1/2 years ago it still hurts like heck). 

2. Job hatred: I'm WAY underpaid and undervalued; I don't love what I do. 

3. Weight and issues relating to this stemming back to early childhood. 

4. PTSD and PMDD. What a delight having these two together. 

5. Jumpstart motivation: I go so quickly that it's like when you jump too high on a trampoline... You never land just right. Then the landing hurts so I walk away. 

6. Anxiety: I paint pretty pictures of things but can't physically do them, as if a barrier is stopping me. 

7. Money: my devil. 

I take so many things in emotionally. I just watched a video about cage free vs free range vs pasture raised chickens / eggs and I feel like giving up my life for chickens. I watch the BL and I feel like giving up my life and moving to the BL resort to lose the weight I need to lose.  Any and every time I watch TV or movies I regret leaving California (where I once lived) and leaving the industry, because I just love that side of things.  So now I wonder. What do I do?  I'm being encouraged to stay in my job because the benefits are really good.  I'm being encouraged from another person in my life to quit my job, take out loans and go to school full time.  I'm being encouraged to just stay on Weight Watchers and lose weight.  But my head is so full and I'm so confused.  What...do...I...do...????

Biggest Loser Season 11 Finale

We all have opinions, some of stronger than others.  I have opinions, and I think a lot of them are valid!  I was once told that my opinions are either works of fiction or just false, and the person who told me this had opinions that are "fact". Screw that. Here are mine.

The Biggest Loser Season 11 Finale was last night.  And if you haven't seen it [i.e. you live in a dark closet with no internet or TV connections], beware, below are some SPOILERS.  Also below are my opinions. You're welcome. ;)

A few at-home contestants.
These contestants I followed the closest throughout Season 11


Austin: I followed Austin relatively closely.  In the beginning, I wasn't a huge fan of his, but I don't think he was even a big fan of his and I kind of realized that. As he came out of his shell and basically grew up, I became a supporter, and he seems like a cool guy. I was shocked that he lost the at-home prize to Deni, I thought he had it.

Arthur: I didn't really follow him all that closely, but I expected a slightly higher amount of weight loss from him, based on how well he was already doing when they did his follow-up after he was sent home..

Courtney: Love this girl, she seems true to herself and like she cares about everyone.  I was surprised that she didn't lose a bit more weight at home, but based on her twitter posts it seemed like she was pushing really hard.  She looked wonderful, especially from her highest weight, and I expect to see great things from her!

Justin: Okay, I didn't really follow him that much, but did he seem high as a kite to anyone else?

Jen / Sarah: WOW!  Blonde bombshells! I dislike the color blonde (too much like Barbie), but hello hotties! Great job, amazing. Especially Sarah with her 'baby muscles.' Woo!

Kaylee: I'm sorry. Seriously? Really? Kidding? Losing weight is tough, I get it. Keeping it off is really tough, I get it.  But did she just go on this show for Moses? Did she learn anything? Throwing weigh-ins was supposed to end when you got sent home!  Contestants like this (and Rulon, Dan, Don, Q....) irk me, because of people like the white team (Vance and his mom, oh wait, ironically her boyfriend) who seemed like they really would have done well! #!$%^!#$%^

The Final 4: 

These contestants I followed the closest throughout Season 11

Jay:  WHAT a champion. This man, the comeback kid was just that. Something wasn't right with him when he came back from his stint at home, but wow did he come back!  He looks amazing, and in a daughter/father way - I was so proud of him! He seems like a true gentleman!

Irene: Silent Ninja. As the biggest loser on the ranch, I definitely expected a slightly lower number from her, but she really did look stunning.  She seemed "off" last night, which I attribute to nerves.  She is a serious champion though, I definitely love her and am glad she was in the final 3!!

Hannah: I will say, if I had to pick one: Hannah was my favorite.  There, I said it. Her humor with Olivia is just like mine with my sister, and there is something about Hannah that I just really connected with.  She brought light to every tough situation, and I felt so connected with everything she felt about herself.  I hope that I can become half of the beautiful woman she has, and like she spoke about, I can't wait to begin dating again also!  As straight as I am I have a total girl-crush on Hannah! She's hot! :)

Olivia: This woman, I don't even know where to begin. She started out pretty broken, like she had the world on her shoulders and no way out.  Something seemed to click about 8 weeks ago (weeks in the show), and she just dove for it.  I don't think that there was a contestant who wanted it more, for the right reasons. She had specific goals: to be able to have a baby, to lose the weight, to get the opera gigs that she deserves, to become the Biggest Loser. In true sister style, she edged Hannah out by such a small amount, and I'm not surprised: we older sisters are competitive & take-charge! Congratulations Olivia!

The trainers:

Bob: Nothing else to say other than I have the biggest crush on this man, wish he was my trainer and friend, and I hope to meet him some day. Also, I hope that when I meet him I'm at my goal weight so he can call me hot like he did Hannah ;)  Just sayin'. (adore him, value his opinion!)

Cara: I can't hate her, I just can't. I relate to her with losing a parent, and there's something about her that is earnest. She clearly connected emotionally with many of her contestants. I don't think that she was necessarily ready for this task, and I wasn't a fan of her unflattering dress, but I'm kind of disappointed to not see her try to improve for a second season. A lot of people judge Cara and Brett, but listening to Bob/Jillian talk about the earliest Biggest Loser seasons: They weren't perfect then either.  I hope that Cara has learned a ton in this experience.

Brett: I'll admit it, on his teacher challenge, I was hot for teacher.  He was a former overweight person, and I really connected to that.  With his style of training, I didn't really connect, but I think he was really learning a lot and I'm not sure that TV-editing gave him the fairest chance...  But alas, it's been announced that he won't return (nor will Cara), and I wish him well.  I hope that he has learned a ton that will help him do well in the future!

Jillian:  The lovely, strong, tiny firecracker Jillian Michaels. I think that her strong, loud, vibrant demeanor and yet inwardly mushy heart (admit it) made her a staple in the show.  The dynamic will surely change, and like everyone, I will miss her a lot: I'll miss her shouting in the gym, her reactions at weigh-ins, her unwavering outward confidence.  What a role-model I have found in her. I can't mourn, as I listen to her podcasts whilst exercising, plan on buying Unlimited at the next possible financially right moment. I await her tweets on twitter like a child awaiting summer vacation, and look forward to seeing her future endeavors.

Anna: Really?  I mean, I don't want to judge her yet and I'm trying SO hard not to, but really? All I could see were legs last night.  A sports star knows how to train personally, but to train others? I'm skeptical, that's as honest as I can be. I don't really relate to her because I don't know her story.  I feel like NBC was trying to attract viewers by hiring her, but then why let go of Brett and Cara, at least they have a season of BL experience!  Why not have more personal training time, let Bob lead the trainers, take charge that way?  Eh.  I can't hate, I just can't.  But it'll take some convincing by NBC on my part..

So overall?  The finale seemed a bit rushed and confusing, though I was grinning ear to ear for most of it. Not unhappy that Rulon wasn't on, could've done without Q, Dan and Don. I look forward to seeing the next year for the Season 11 contestants.  I can't wait to feel like these contestants talk about feeling- the happiness, the euphoria, the new-ness of life. I'll probably start watching Season 12 when it comes on in September.  I hope that by the time Season 12 begins, I weigh less than at least a few of the women!  <-- honesty.

Please share your thoughts, opinions on the show or on my post.  Would love some discussion. :)

This I Believe, This I Deserve.

I love http://thisibelieve.org/  There are so many powerful essays that speak to so many different types of people.  I listened to a Jillian Michaels' podcast today, and as I mentioned in a prior blog, she asked the woman who called in to the show what she wanted, what she deserved in losing weight.  This is what I believe, this is what I deserve.

I believe that I am worth it. I believe in myself. I believe that I am intelligent, witty, kind, beautiful, and as many people have told me: the spark that lights up any room that I enter

This is a recent phenomenon for me, as before about a year ago I only sought acceptance and love from others. I cared more about what others thought of me than what I have thought of myself.  I always wanted to lose weight FOR so-and-so, BECAUSE so-and-so might love or appreciate me, IF xyz happened in my life, you name it, I excused it.  

In my teen and young-adult years, I always had adult men say things like "Oh, if I were only 5/10/20 years younger .... If we only met at the right time ... You'd have been my first choice if I wasn't already married, dating, there was no age difference, etc... Someone wonderful will come along for you..."  I have had experiences that I'd much rather forget, and I haven't met one man who truly cares enough about me or respects me enough to deserve me.

Now, I imagine Bob Harper & Jillian Michaels from The Biggest Loser (who, yes, I've put on a very tall pedestal) would say to me something along the lines of: "Cut the crap. What's blocking you? Get up, get moving, get over it!"  So, that's what I'm attempting. 

In the past year I have lost my job, lost nearly 40 pounds (that took at least 3 years to gain) and lost what I thought was my sanity, but what turned out to be the exact opposite. I lost some things that were holding me back, now I'm trying to shed the rest.  

For the future, this I deserve: 

• I deserve a body that matches my wonderful personality.

• I deserve a body and mind that work together, and not against one another. 

• I deserve unwavering self-confidence. 

• I deserve to live in a world where I am not fighting PTSD on an hourly or daily basis.

• I deserve to walk down a street and not feel judged, most of the judgement coming from within.

• I deserve to feel sexy and confident in a Little Black Dress.

• I deserve to walk into a store and pick out fashionable clothes, not flower print tops meant for the elderly.

• I deserve to feel love from a man, with a connection that I've never had, in a way that I've never loved.

• I deserve to love myself over all others, unselfishly and fiercely. 

This I believe: I am fighting a battle that will take a long time to win. I believe that I am strong enough to fight it, if I just continue to believe in myself and ask for help. I believe that I will have good days and bad days. I believe that although there are days that I will want to hide under my old fat-suit, but I know that it's an escape.  I believe that I will succeed, and that I will bring many people up with me. I want this, all of this I believe.

Jillian Michaels

I just sent a tweet announcing the fact that I'd be skipping my workout today: I have been up since yesterday AM, am sore, etc. I immediately saw a tweet from @JMRadioShow: "Think you've hit a plateau? Think again! Check out @JillianMichaels advice on her latest podcast, available now! http://bit.ly/fWv8DV". 

Immediately I felt guilty that I was going to skip all forms of exercise today and decided to go to the gym. I put on an XL shirt that never fit before (score!) and an XL set of exercise pants that didn't quite fit, but which I wore anyway.

In the gym first thing I see is @Ali_Sweeney on the TV.  I smiled, thinking 'yep, this is right.'  I get on an elliptical and turn on the TV. Listening to the podcast, I hear @JillianMichaels say 'Weight Watchers' just as I look up at the @WeightWatchers commercial playing on TV.  Again, it felt right.

The workout was so easy, very steady. I did 45 minutes on the elliptical and 16 on the treadmill, for a total of 712 calories.  I kept watching myself in the mirror, feeling self-loathing regarding my appearance and happiness regarding my current weight loss.  As usual, former demons crept in and out, trying to almost taunt me into giving up and stopping the workout.  

This came to me: My brain did this to my body, my body didn't ask for it.  The 140 pound version of me living in the light at the end of the tunnel loves working out. The demon on the other shoulder, the one who has been winning for so long, tries to keep me fat, safe from taking chances, safe from actually living my life... Like it wants me all to its' self.  My brain let this second voice have the stronger influence on me, but I'm done and I hope I can stick to these guns.  

In Jillian's radio show, she asked the woman who called in what she deserved, what she wanted, why she wanted to lose 70 pounds.  I immediately started typing along on my phone, things that I wanted for myself, things I deserve.  That'll be another blog, hopefully coming tonight. 

The moral of my day, I think, is that yes the work that I've put in is amazing, but I constantly struggle with my brain. Clearly, if I can conquer my two sides, my PTSD symptoms, my 'demon-side' that is constantly putting me down, this will become so much easier.  The question is... How?