I need a makeover

I don't know what is WRONG with me.  I fix a problem for someone at work and I have to hold back tears because of feeling good and knowing that I made their day better. I watch the Biggest Loser and I cry.  I tell a sweet story about someone and surprise! I tear up.  I watch a video or a commercial that's touching and freaking bloody surprise!!! I cry like a baby. Every single couple I see I feel like punching in the stomach with my green fist filled with envy.  On the flip side, I see a good looking guy, or a tall guy around my age who isn't wearing a wedding ring and my thoughts in this order are: "Oooh, no ring. How YOU doin'?  Who are you kidding, you're fat he'd never go for you. Moving right along... Stop self, don't tear up, C'MON!!!"  It's almost as if my brain is shouting out "I'm not happy, so you shouldn't be either!!!!!!!!" I'm just so worn out all of the time. 

I watch the Biggest Loser every week and I love the show so much.  I watch Jillian Michaels, Bob Harper and Dolvett Quince train their contestants and I am filled with envy. I want that experience so badly.  I have so far to go: 100-130 pounds until I get to a satisfactory weight.  I haven't seen the dastardly 'one-derland' since I was 14 years old, if not younger.  The thought of it terrifies me, I've spent more than half of my life this way, all of my adulthood. Who would I even be?  I see Danni Allen in this season's BL and I find myself dying to be in her shoes.  I feel like that could be me.  I feel like it should be me (in addition to, not instead of her)...

I've been dieting.  It has been going okay; I lost around 10 pounds in February / first week of March, but I had a weekend away and I'll find out for sure in the morning but I think I've gained a few pounds again.  I feel like crap: emotionally, physically, psychologically.   I need a head to toe makeover, starting with my brain.  I'm so lethargic and never feel like exercising.  For weeks I was making veggie smoothies to take to work and was eating solely at home, but for the past week I just haven't.  I don't know where to begin again.  I hear / read / listen to people say 'start small! positive affirmations!' but any time I have been involved with a person or group who talks about that, I want to curse at them and in plain english say "S.T.F.U."

I have figured out a few of my key issues: 

1. Depressed over a death of a parent (though it was 8 1/2 years ago it still hurts like heck). 

2. Job hatred: I'm WAY underpaid and undervalued; I don't love what I do. 

3. Weight and issues relating to this stemming back to early childhood. 

4. PTSD and PMDD. What a delight having these two together. 

5. Jumpstart motivation: I go so quickly that it's like when you jump too high on a trampoline... You never land just right. Then the landing hurts so I walk away. 

6. Anxiety: I paint pretty pictures of things but can't physically do them, as if a barrier is stopping me. 

7. Money: my devil. 

I take so many things in emotionally. I just watched a video about cage free vs free range vs pasture raised chickens / eggs and I feel like giving up my life for chickens. I watch the BL and I feel like giving up my life and moving to the BL resort to lose the weight I need to lose.  Any and every time I watch TV or movies I regret leaving California (where I once lived) and leaving the industry, because I just love that side of things.  So now I wonder. What do I do?  I'm being encouraged to stay in my job because the benefits are really good.  I'm being encouraged from another person in my life to quit my job, take out loans and go to school full time.  I'm being encouraged to just stay on Weight Watchers and lose weight.  But my head is so full and I'm so confused.  What...do...I...do...????

Help; I need somebody, Help; not just anybody..

I'm a morning person.  My body wakes me up at 6-7am, no matter what time I went to sleep.  If it's 8am, it's a damn miracle.  My job requires me to work late, meaning 12p-10p four days per week.  I usually have a break at around 3:30 or 4pm, so by the time I get home I'm starving, and so exhausted that I don't want to cook or prepare anything. So I eat: crap foods.

The month of December has been pure hell at work. I've been yelled at by ignorant people, we've been robbed where I work (long story), and for the entire month of December I'm working late.  I usually work these later shifts once or twice per week which is fine, it's when I take my dog to the dog park in the morning.  Now that I'm doing it four times per week, I notice that I eat crap foods when I get home.  My roommate wakes up at 5-7pm for the night because of her work schedule, so she's always up for eating when I get home, which in a sense encourages and enables me.

This job doesn't pay me well. I find that because I'm always in the poor house, when I get money I can't hold onto it. A lot of times it goes to food.  I have a feeling that it's a deep-rooted issue from childhood, because I know we had some money troubles for a few years back then, and I was always really terrible at budgeting. Also, I was always teased about my weight and turned to hiding and eating food when I was like 5 years old and older.  I know this is all related to PTSD but I can't figure out how.. I also go to the grocery store and buy fresh and beautiful foods with desires to cook, but most of the time they go wasted.  I get anxiety cleaning out the fridge, knowing a. how much money I wasted, and b. how it means what I really put in my body.

I hate waking up full and feeling disgusting.  This is a true sign that I've slipped into some of my old ways. This is truly embarrassing, but here is a taste of my old ways and what I put myself through last night.  I got home at 10:20pm and thought about ordering food. For some reason I have this thing that I can't figure out: if I think about food in a certain way ('ooh, I want pizza'), it is an all-consuming 'deal' until I actually do what my brain is consumed with: eat the food I can't stop thinking about.  By can't stop thinking about it, I mean NOTHING stops me from thinking about it. I won't pay attention to conversations, TV, music, internet, you name it.  Then I do what I'm consumed with and it's like 'okay cool, back to reality.'

Last night I unfortunately thought about a calzone and mozzarella sticks.  At 10:30pm I ordered them, and started watching (of all things, The Biggest Loser).  I ordered said food as well as a pizza, 'to tide me over for a couple of days.'  They came at 11:15; I ate my calzone and mozzarella sticks, and when I was putting away the pizza took a slice to eat. I don't know why, but !#%(&# @$%@ I wish I hadn't.  I sat on the couch in a sad state of lethargy, watching the Biggest Loser contestants run a marathon. P.S. if John wins this I would like to personally drive to his house and punch him in the face for being a bloody jerk.

So I went to bed last night, and just like in my old ways I had trouble falling asleep. It was after 2:30am when I finally did.  I woke up this morning at around 7:30, and fought off actually getting up due to exhaustion until 9. Then I got up.  I got an all-consuming desire to blog this, like I know it would help.  It hasn't, but maybe it will soon.  I don't know what to do. My job doesn't offer health insurance for more than six months, so I'm still waiting on that. I'm sure therapy would help, but I'm stuck.

Feeling like a marshmellow

Two months ago I posted my last post to-date.  I stopped going to the gym about two weeks after that, fell into many old habits (what's that saying about old habits dying hard?), became depressed...  A month ago and last week are two specific days that are important to me, but are really difficult.  They're pertaining to an anniversary of a death and a birthday of said person's death.  Mystery aside, they're really tough every year and they have been for the past seven years. 

The job I'm in now also doesn't allow me to take off any time between now and January, which when your family is around 400 miles away makes for a terrible holiday season.  I can't figure out how to break the cycle that I am back in.  I want to change again, I want to re-take my body back over, I want to become myself again.  I'm still paying off my training sessions, so I will have those to go back to, but I'm just in a funk. 

I've thought about diaries, but I honestly hate them. I log into MyFitnessPal every day, but rarely post anything. I try to use it to motivate myself, but at this point nothing is motivating me. I watch the Biggest Loser every week, and love seeing the contestants do so well. At the same time, I feel gross when contestants who weighed more than me now weigh less. To top it all off, I've gained around 4-5 pounds and just feel lethargic all of the time. 

Any suggestions?  Thoughts? Ideas? Share here or on twitter: @300toFinally175.  I'm hoping for a Bob Harper style mental ass-kicking, or at least something that changes my mindset!  Help! Thanks. 

The gym... The Protein... The Pain...

The gym: My best friend, my nemeses, my arch-nemeses, my "frienemy".  I finally switched my gym from when I moved last year.  I went periodically, went to the free small gym in my building, but never made the solid commitment to go repeatedly for weeks on end.  That changed yesterday.

I joined xyz gym.  I went in yesterday for a tour and was given a "schpeel" on protein (hence the protein powder next to my tour-guide).  I was told to take a multi-vitamin (just next to the protein powder sat the vitamins) and was told that those would both be highly recommended.  I take a multi already so I was good, but this protein powder thing... He said that I needed to down about 30g of whey Protein after a workout. Seriously? Does anyone know if this is true?  He also said that by eating 1,600-1,800 calories a day as I've been doing, I am eating probably 200-500 calories too little.

I got a tour of the gym - it's beautiful, brand new, very nice.  And HELLO they have some hotties on staff. I picked a male trainer (women drive me nuts, no offense to the female trainers out there), and made an appointment for this morning.  I dropped a fortune that I don't really have on training, so I am going to work really hard at doing well!

I went in and met with my new trainer today.  He's really nice, has a great sense of humor. I laughed my way through the assessment, which I often do when I'm nervous; I was nervous for some reason. I'm relatively out of shape, so I think it was partially that.  I've never worked with a trainer before, it's such a different experience than going to the gym by yourself.  I usually choose a circuit workout or a long time on the elliptical or treadmill.

The trainer experience was surprisingly easy, it was nice.  My trainer said that I have better balance than I thought, have more muscle mass than I thought, and am will start to feel better after a few sessions.  We did lunges, squats, some ab work, some work with machines and tools that I'm not quire familiar with...  It was decent, I felt great until I tried walking down three flights of stairs.  What's up wobbles!?  I almost fell down them haha..  So, I'm going to meet with him three times in the first week, three times in the second, and then wean my way down to once per week, on the days that I'm going to do Core strength training.

It interested me yesterday, to hear that the 'tour-guide' told me that I needed only work out three times per week - one day for each: Core, Upper body, Lower body. It also interested me to hear that I should avoid doing the treadmill and elliptical, other than for a warm-up. According to him, too much cardio won't burn the right calories, and I'll plateau out and stop losing weight.  Weight training is the way I'm supposed to go.

So, yesterday during my initial assessment I was told that 140 pounds is way to small for me.  Looking at the Biggest Loser season 11 cast, I'm built more like Irene than Hannah. I'm closer to Hannah in height, but I am not built to be that slender.  There goes my dream of being Kate Middleton's blonde doppleganger.

So, the assessment wants me to be at approximately 177 pounds, and the tour-guide wants me to be around 190 pounds, give or take. I'm slightly flummoxed. Everything I was working towards has changed.. It's great that I'm no longer 100 pounds away from my goal, but my brain isn't accepting this 190 weight as a proper goal. It's still going to take about a year to lose 60 pounds? Hmmm. Seems like a long time. I'm so thrilled to be taking this step though!

Well, that's what I've got going on.  Does anyone want to weigh-in on this? Pun intended.

Rock piles, cathedrals and self-worth

Hi, I'm that guy, it's nice to meet you. Today's 'that guy' is the guy who I occasionally want to punch in the face, the one who always lives his/her life through quotes, through others, etc. (I love quotes, but not to the extreme.) Today, I become that guy for a fleeting moment as I offer you one of my recently found and now most favorite quotes. 

A rock pile ceases to be a rock pile the moment a single man contemplates it, 

bearing within him the image of a cathedral.

Antoine de Saint-Exupery

Think about this for a moment, seriously sit back in your chair, pause the treadmill, stop pacing back and forth trying to burn those few extra calories and just think about this. What are we as people?  A lot of us are broken inside, or feel like we must be broken because we haven't got it all figured out, or because we momentarily fail.  We're "rock piles" in the proverbial sense. 

Antoine de Saint-Exupery is the incredible author of 'Le Petit Prince', or 'The Little Prince.'  This was a book that I remember from young childhood, and from senior year of High School, where my teacher had us read it.  I loved it.  

Whoops, I digress.  

The point of this quote to me is this: Along with myself, a lot of people I follow on twitter are partaking in weight loss measures: pant-based food diets, Couch to 5K, Weight Watchers, Biggest Loser Club, you name it. A lot of us have days where we struggle. What I feel like many of us are missing is the ability to see the end result within ourselves already. We already ARE the champions, we just haven't necessarily honed all of our skills to prove this to ourselves and to the world. 

I posted a little while ago about the Iron & Wine song that I love, where I spoke about secretly wishing that I was already 140 pounds, not wanting the scab (to do the work), just wanting the scar (to have already done the work). We all want that. The thing is, we have to try see the end result within ourselves in our current state (maybe, our sense of worthiness) before just we rush after a number.  If we don't, we'll never know what we were looking for, we'll keep running and it'll never be enough. 

But you know what? We all slip up, we have temporary set-backs, we beat ourselves up all day long. Yesterday, I snacked like all day.  Today, I've eaten healthily and am doing great. 

But YOU have to find, within yourself, the image of the proverbial 'cathedral', the person who deserves to be 140 pounds (or whatever your goal is), the person who should be loved today and not in a year from now. Watching the Biggest Loser it looks pretty easy to see others find the 'cathedral' each season, because we see an hour or two of their weeks, they have amazing support. It's easy to pity ourselves or feel self-doubt because we didn't find ourselves in what felt like the instant that these folks did. 

So, I post a challenge to you: Concentrate on small wins every hour, every day. Post your wins, on here, on twitter, in your own blogs. A win is as simple as taking the stairs when you really wanted to take the elevator, turning off the TV to go do fifteen minutes of yard work or walk the dog. Eating a piece of fruit instead of a candy bar. Stop waiting for life to find you. Concentrate on the positive, because you deserve it NOW.

Biggest Loser Season 11 Finale

We all have opinions, some of stronger than others.  I have opinions, and I think a lot of them are valid!  I was once told that my opinions are either works of fiction or just false, and the person who told me this had opinions that are "fact". Screw that. Here are mine.

The Biggest Loser Season 11 Finale was last night.  And if you haven't seen it [i.e. you live in a dark closet with no internet or TV connections], beware, below are some SPOILERS.  Also below are my opinions. You're welcome. ;)

A few at-home contestants.
These contestants I followed the closest throughout Season 11


Austin: I followed Austin relatively closely.  In the beginning, I wasn't a huge fan of his, but I don't think he was even a big fan of his and I kind of realized that. As he came out of his shell and basically grew up, I became a supporter, and he seems like a cool guy. I was shocked that he lost the at-home prize to Deni, I thought he had it.

Arthur: I didn't really follow him all that closely, but I expected a slightly higher amount of weight loss from him, based on how well he was already doing when they did his follow-up after he was sent home..

Courtney: Love this girl, she seems true to herself and like she cares about everyone.  I was surprised that she didn't lose a bit more weight at home, but based on her twitter posts it seemed like she was pushing really hard.  She looked wonderful, especially from her highest weight, and I expect to see great things from her!

Justin: Okay, I didn't really follow him that much, but did he seem high as a kite to anyone else?

Jen / Sarah: WOW!  Blonde bombshells! I dislike the color blonde (too much like Barbie), but hello hotties! Great job, amazing. Especially Sarah with her 'baby muscles.' Woo!

Kaylee: I'm sorry. Seriously? Really? Kidding? Losing weight is tough, I get it. Keeping it off is really tough, I get it.  But did she just go on this show for Moses? Did she learn anything? Throwing weigh-ins was supposed to end when you got sent home!  Contestants like this (and Rulon, Dan, Don, Q....) irk me, because of people like the white team (Vance and his mom, oh wait, ironically her boyfriend) who seemed like they really would have done well! #!$%^!#$%^

The Final 4: 

These contestants I followed the closest throughout Season 11

Jay:  WHAT a champion. This man, the comeback kid was just that. Something wasn't right with him when he came back from his stint at home, but wow did he come back!  He looks amazing, and in a daughter/father way - I was so proud of him! He seems like a true gentleman!

Irene: Silent Ninja. As the biggest loser on the ranch, I definitely expected a slightly lower number from her, but she really did look stunning.  She seemed "off" last night, which I attribute to nerves.  She is a serious champion though, I definitely love her and am glad she was in the final 3!!

Hannah: I will say, if I had to pick one: Hannah was my favorite.  There, I said it. Her humor with Olivia is just like mine with my sister, and there is something about Hannah that I just really connected with.  She brought light to every tough situation, and I felt so connected with everything she felt about herself.  I hope that I can become half of the beautiful woman she has, and like she spoke about, I can't wait to begin dating again also!  As straight as I am I have a total girl-crush on Hannah! She's hot! :)

Olivia: This woman, I don't even know where to begin. She started out pretty broken, like she had the world on her shoulders and no way out.  Something seemed to click about 8 weeks ago (weeks in the show), and she just dove for it.  I don't think that there was a contestant who wanted it more, for the right reasons. She had specific goals: to be able to have a baby, to lose the weight, to get the opera gigs that she deserves, to become the Biggest Loser. In true sister style, she edged Hannah out by such a small amount, and I'm not surprised: we older sisters are competitive & take-charge! Congratulations Olivia!

The trainers:

Bob: Nothing else to say other than I have the biggest crush on this man, wish he was my trainer and friend, and I hope to meet him some day. Also, I hope that when I meet him I'm at my goal weight so he can call me hot like he did Hannah ;)  Just sayin'. (adore him, value his opinion!)

Cara: I can't hate her, I just can't. I relate to her with losing a parent, and there's something about her that is earnest. She clearly connected emotionally with many of her contestants. I don't think that she was necessarily ready for this task, and I wasn't a fan of her unflattering dress, but I'm kind of disappointed to not see her try to improve for a second season. A lot of people judge Cara and Brett, but listening to Bob/Jillian talk about the earliest Biggest Loser seasons: They weren't perfect then either.  I hope that Cara has learned a ton in this experience.

Brett: I'll admit it, on his teacher challenge, I was hot for teacher.  He was a former overweight person, and I really connected to that.  With his style of training, I didn't really connect, but I think he was really learning a lot and I'm not sure that TV-editing gave him the fairest chance...  But alas, it's been announced that he won't return (nor will Cara), and I wish him well.  I hope that he has learned a ton that will help him do well in the future!

Jillian:  The lovely, strong, tiny firecracker Jillian Michaels. I think that her strong, loud, vibrant demeanor and yet inwardly mushy heart (admit it) made her a staple in the show.  The dynamic will surely change, and like everyone, I will miss her a lot: I'll miss her shouting in the gym, her reactions at weigh-ins, her unwavering outward confidence.  What a role-model I have found in her. I can't mourn, as I listen to her podcasts whilst exercising, plan on buying Unlimited at the next possible financially right moment. I await her tweets on twitter like a child awaiting summer vacation, and look forward to seeing her future endeavors.

Anna: Really?  I mean, I don't want to judge her yet and I'm trying SO hard not to, but really? All I could see were legs last night.  A sports star knows how to train personally, but to train others? I'm skeptical, that's as honest as I can be. I don't really relate to her because I don't know her story.  I feel like NBC was trying to attract viewers by hiring her, but then why let go of Brett and Cara, at least they have a season of BL experience!  Why not have more personal training time, let Bob lead the trainers, take charge that way?  Eh.  I can't hate, I just can't.  But it'll take some convincing by NBC on my part..

So overall?  The finale seemed a bit rushed and confusing, though I was grinning ear to ear for most of it. Not unhappy that Rulon wasn't on, could've done without Q, Dan and Don. I look forward to seeing the next year for the Season 11 contestants.  I can't wait to feel like these contestants talk about feeling- the happiness, the euphoria, the new-ness of life. I'll probably start watching Season 12 when it comes on in September.  I hope that by the time Season 12 begins, I weigh less than at least a few of the women!  <-- honesty.

Please share your thoughts, opinions on the show or on my post.  Would love some discussion. :)

Upgrading? You wish!

There it is.  My baby! A car that I want almost solely only for its luxury (Lexus RX 450h), for the fact that it's so quiet inside, it handles well, I bet it's built like a tank. I'll keep the trunk clean, I'll never eat in it, I'll vacuum it monthly, no weekly, no daily, I'll be the best owner ever I promise!!  

I was in bed last night thinking about cleaning my car - vacuuming out the 10 pounds of dog hair that I'm sure to find, cleaning out and vacuuming the trunk.  Then I caught myself thinking 'whatever, this is just your old car, when you upgrade someday in the distant future, you'll keep that one clean!' But wait, that's never going to happen.  

Oh no, the gears started turning. Is that what I always do? Well, I think that's what I do, I put the unattainable on a pedestal: in a completely different context from what the 40-year old virgin says: "..put the p**sy on a pedestal."  "I'll eat better, I'll workout harder, when I'm thinner, smaller, healthier, happier, etc." That was exactly my problem.

Why do I deserve this lovely, wonderful, perfect car if I can't keep my own in the shape it deserves?  It's not even that old - not even old enough to be in third grade (if it were human, of course)!  I love my car.  It's not quite a beater, but by the time I can afford to and will upgrade to something nice, I'm sure it will be just that.  This car has taken me more than 100,000 miles, it's seen me through some really tough times! 

I started doing Weight Watchers knowing that I'd lose weight if I followed the diet plan, and I was doing that - slowly.  I said things to myself like "Yeah, when I'm 250 pounds I'll work out because it'll be easier" and "When I am in 'One-derland (the 100-199 pound weight zone, for the non-Biggest Loser fans) I will feel happy and then will even start to date!" 

Not to say that I've just turned a corner or become suddenly enlightened, but I've figured some personal stuff out: I have always set goals for myself that I will never be able to, or that will be nearly impossible to attain.  

I think that's why I started doing the Couch to 5K, using Twitter, and most specifically blogging.  No more excuses and delays: I'll start concentrating on small 'wins,' begin my life now, not when something so unbelievably fantastic happens to me.  Because, if I continue living in this twisted fantasy land that I'm in, if these unbelievably fantastic things actually do happen, I'll have no one to share them with! 

I pose these questions to you: Why!? Why do I, why do you (if you do), why do we put ourselves through these cyclical nightmares?  Do you do something similar? What have been your experiences with turning corners?  I deserve this now, YOU deserve this now! 

This I Believe, This I Deserve.

I love http://thisibelieve.org/  There are so many powerful essays that speak to so many different types of people.  I listened to a Jillian Michaels' podcast today, and as I mentioned in a prior blog, she asked the woman who called in to the show what she wanted, what she deserved in losing weight.  This is what I believe, this is what I deserve.

I believe that I am worth it. I believe in myself. I believe that I am intelligent, witty, kind, beautiful, and as many people have told me: the spark that lights up any room that I enter

This is a recent phenomenon for me, as before about a year ago I only sought acceptance and love from others. I cared more about what others thought of me than what I have thought of myself.  I always wanted to lose weight FOR so-and-so, BECAUSE so-and-so might love or appreciate me, IF xyz happened in my life, you name it, I excused it.  

In my teen and young-adult years, I always had adult men say things like "Oh, if I were only 5/10/20 years younger .... If we only met at the right time ... You'd have been my first choice if I wasn't already married, dating, there was no age difference, etc... Someone wonderful will come along for you..."  I have had experiences that I'd much rather forget, and I haven't met one man who truly cares enough about me or respects me enough to deserve me.

Now, I imagine Bob Harper & Jillian Michaels from The Biggest Loser (who, yes, I've put on a very tall pedestal) would say to me something along the lines of: "Cut the crap. What's blocking you? Get up, get moving, get over it!"  So, that's what I'm attempting. 

In the past year I have lost my job, lost nearly 40 pounds (that took at least 3 years to gain) and lost what I thought was my sanity, but what turned out to be the exact opposite. I lost some things that were holding me back, now I'm trying to shed the rest.  

For the future, this I deserve: 

• I deserve a body that matches my wonderful personality.

• I deserve a body and mind that work together, and not against one another. 

• I deserve unwavering self-confidence. 

• I deserve to live in a world where I am not fighting PTSD on an hourly or daily basis.

• I deserve to walk down a street and not feel judged, most of the judgement coming from within.

• I deserve to feel sexy and confident in a Little Black Dress.

• I deserve to walk into a store and pick out fashionable clothes, not flower print tops meant for the elderly.

• I deserve to feel love from a man, with a connection that I've never had, in a way that I've never loved.

• I deserve to love myself over all others, unselfishly and fiercely. 

This I believe: I am fighting a battle that will take a long time to win. I believe that I am strong enough to fight it, if I just continue to believe in myself and ask for help. I believe that I will have good days and bad days. I believe that although there are days that I will want to hide under my old fat-suit, but I know that it's an escape.  I believe that I will succeed, and that I will bring many people up with me. I want this, all of this I believe.

Jillian Michaels

I just sent a tweet announcing the fact that I'd be skipping my workout today: I have been up since yesterday AM, am sore, etc. I immediately saw a tweet from @JMRadioShow: "Think you've hit a plateau? Think again! Check out @JillianMichaels advice on her latest podcast, available now! http://bit.ly/fWv8DV". 

Immediately I felt guilty that I was going to skip all forms of exercise today and decided to go to the gym. I put on an XL shirt that never fit before (score!) and an XL set of exercise pants that didn't quite fit, but which I wore anyway.

In the gym first thing I see is @Ali_Sweeney on the TV.  I smiled, thinking 'yep, this is right.'  I get on an elliptical and turn on the TV. Listening to the podcast, I hear @JillianMichaels say 'Weight Watchers' just as I look up at the @WeightWatchers commercial playing on TV.  Again, it felt right.

The workout was so easy, very steady. I did 45 minutes on the elliptical and 16 on the treadmill, for a total of 712 calories.  I kept watching myself in the mirror, feeling self-loathing regarding my appearance and happiness regarding my current weight loss.  As usual, former demons crept in and out, trying to almost taunt me into giving up and stopping the workout.  

This came to me: My brain did this to my body, my body didn't ask for it.  The 140 pound version of me living in the light at the end of the tunnel loves working out. The demon on the other shoulder, the one who has been winning for so long, tries to keep me fat, safe from taking chances, safe from actually living my life... Like it wants me all to its' self.  My brain let this second voice have the stronger influence on me, but I'm done and I hope I can stick to these guns.  

In Jillian's radio show, she asked the woman who called in what she deserved, what she wanted, why she wanted to lose 70 pounds.  I immediately started typing along on my phone, things that I wanted for myself, things I deserve.  That'll be another blog, hopefully coming tonight. 

The moral of my day, I think, is that yes the work that I've put in is amazing, but I constantly struggle with my brain. Clearly, if I can conquer my two sides, my PTSD symptoms, my 'demon-side' that is constantly putting me down, this will become so much easier.  The question is... How? 

Cinco de Mayo

Around the world, here's how people celebrated:

- I went to Baja Fresh and overindulged, followed by a movie.
- Kate Middleton, now the Duchess of Cambridge went grocery shopping.
- Camera crews followed the Duchess on the shopping trip, speculating over her purchases.
- All over the world people got (and are continuing to get) drunk. Really drunk.

How did you celebrate Cinco de Mayo?  Did you eat five jars of Mayo and then throw up a lot?  Did you think about how on Cinco de Mayo there are STILL Five people on the Biggest Loser? (Timm Gunn, fairy godfather)  Did you run five mayo's (oops, miles)?  Did you read cinco blog entries of mine?  Did you work for cinco horas and then beba cinco cervezas? I'm interested.

Instant expectations, eternal manifestations

"Frustration is the manifestation of over-expectations." - Samm Brown, Michael Jackson's old tour manager.

I am the Queen of many things: Sarcasm, short but powerful week-long stints at exercising, self-deprecating humor, amazing first two weeks of diets, dreaming, optimism, self-loathing, (iwishofEnglandalso,dangthatkatemiddleton,loveher,jealous!), retail therapy, going to the movies, I could go on.  I find that there are very few things that stick to me, because I feel like I am always running.

Read that last sentence carefully - I FEEL like I am always running. I can run, but only for about a minute to two at a time. I was in a class where Samm Brown was guest lecturing. I was in awe of what he said, which I'll say again: "Frustration is the manifestation of over-expectations."  My manifesto.

If there is anyone in the world who can make a mountain out of a molehill... I'm sheepishly raising my hand. I believe it was Jane Austen's Mr. Darcy who said this about a woman's mind: "it jumps from admiration to love, from love to matrimony, in a moment."  I do that with everything. I meet a man and within a moment I wonder if he'd be a good husband. I start a diet, or rather a lifestyle change, and within 30 seconds I am picturing myself at a US Size 6, holding hands and skipping through a sunny field of tall grass with Prince William, because he has seen how wonderful the size-6 me is. At size 6, I've become me, I'm not me at the version of myself that exists now. That last bit stopped upon the royal engagement - I bowed out of that crush gracefully ;) ..

But as usual, I digress. What Samm said to me six years ago sticks to me like glue.  I have a gastric bypass view of the world: A Biggest Loser expectation of my life - instant coffee, instant internet searches, nearly instant diet and exercise results. Hard work is incredible, I love working hard. I don't mean to even say that what the BL contestants do is instant, I know how hard they work. But, knowing that I have probably another year of really hard work on my own to even become who I want to be is SO frustrating.  I want to be the version of myself that I picture in my day-dreams and dreams, not the person who lives in this fragile shell.

Frustration envelopes me. I go to the gym, and after say, 400-800 calories of burn, I look in the mirror later and still see this disappointment.  I expect so much of the world that I turn people away, and I turn myself away because I detest myself.  Like I said the other day, Emotion vs. Intellect kicks in quite often. I don't really intellectually detest myself, but emotionally I'm not who I expected myself to be.  The 4 year-old version of me expected that I'd have a string of men who would want to court me, one of whom would become my fairy-tale husband with whom I'd have 2 or 4 wonderful children, a lovely old home, and a level of importance within the society around me.  I expected to make a difference and a huge change in the world, but I can't find a way to change myself..

Right now the late-20s version of me is like an insane person, constantly turning back the clock and asking the younger me what I was thinking, asking where I went wrong!?  Why am I not who I expected, how can I meet my expectations, and why is this all so important to me?

The Biggest Loser & Emotion vs Intellect.

Tap tap microphone, is this thing on....?

I've been watching this Biggest Loser season like it should be a weekly trip to church. I've watched it off-and-on for years. I took ahold of my life this year and came to terms with what I wanted and needed to do with weight loss and just connected with this season's cast. Hannah and Olivia and Irene: these girls blow me away.

I honestly couldn't connect with Irene in the beginning -- they didn't show her as a prominent contestant, she seemed like a background character..  She is coming out of her shell and I feel like I really relate to her. Tonight when Irene was saying the stuff that she was to Jillian, I so connected with that.

Olivia and Hannah.  These two ladies have been my favorites from day 1. Some nights I watched solely for their wit and comments. I connected with them.  I have a sister I'm extremely close to, and Hannah and Olivia seem like our type of sibling-team. So, I hope that one of these three ladies wins the ranch challenge.

I have a problem. I can logically sit and think 'this is wrong, don't do this' but emotionally I am not able to reign myself in or stop myself from doing xyz, whether it be eating too much, secretly eating an extra portion of something, skipping the gym, etc.  I think that this is why I emotionally eat: instead of connecting emotions with what I'm intellectually thinking, I eat those feelings. compressing them to where I can't feel what I'm doing.

I feel like I have that same problem with emotionally connecting my intellect with my self-worth.  Intellectually I will sit here and tell you that I'm amazing, strong, talented, smart, funny and maybe even beautiful.  Emotionally, I can't connect those things, and therefore don't LIVE them... Like, I KNOW them but I don't truly BELIEVE them.  I'm sure once I lose more weight some of the emotion will connect, as I SEE myself actually looking like who I want to be, but I don't know if that is enough.

I started at 300 pounds in November, down to 290.6 on January 1st.  I've been in the 260s since March 20th. I lost from 0.8 to 3.8 pounds weekly. On April 17 my weigh-in was +1.6 and April 24 was -3.8. Weighing myself again this morning, I'm back up a couple of pounds. I'm looking at ways to combat this hugely plateau, have reached out on twitter, received a few ideas by e-mail and by looking online.  The thing that I need to figure out, is HOW do I beat my emotion?  How can the intellect go to combat with the emotion and make the emotion a believer?  If you've read this far, let me know your thoughts! ARGH!!!

I can't live, if living is without you

Mariah Carey said it right ... in that one line anyway. "I can't live, if living is without you-u-u." I have two pillows on my bed and I sleep on the left side of my bed with a specific pillow. The other one I only occasionally use, if I sleep on my side. Mind you, they're not that different - maybe just an inch or two of thickness at most. Sometimes I accidently put them on the opposite side of the bed (whilst changing sheets etc), and it can take a couple of horrific nights to figure this out.

Late last week, I did the dreadful incorrect side switch. Unbeknownst to me as to why, I have had 16 to *maybe* 18 hours of sleep in 3 days. I have trouble falling asleep, do so around 12-12:30, and wake up by 5:30-6 with a painful stiff neck and back, feeling frustrated, delirious.  My days go south: I don't exercise as I'm exhausted, food habits turn to junk, etc. Of course I can never figure out why, until my pillows are discovered!

The stars aligned early this morning, when for some reason I clutched my pillow.  It felt funny, just off slightly.  I reached over to the other pillow and I could almost hear the sky opening up and birds singing. I DID IT AGAIN! I quickly switched them and laid back. I was so excited to go back to sleep, but I realized that I had to get out of bed at that moment. Talk about a buzz kill.

So, dear pillow, please don't leave me.  You are one idiosyncrasy that I can't bear to part with. I look forward to an early night tonight, and 8-9 hours of blissful sleep.

Movin' on up, and lookin' back.

So, I took the unemployment train to job-town and got off.  As I'm still waiting for all of the dust to settle, paperwork and red-tape to be completed and rubber-stamped, I will only say this:  it's in sales, and I'm so happy to have a job again!

Now let me complain for a paragraph.  My last job had jeans and sneakers attire, and I was there for more than 3 years, but less than 10.  Yes, I'm trying desperately to pretend that I have a shred of mystery to myself.  I lived in comfort, which I think could have helped me get to the weight where I was at my highest (300.0!). Today I wore shoes that not only gave me two new blisters, but the one that I already opened up. My feet, well, you get the picture. Why do women put ourselves through this!?

Today I would like to address irrational fears.  I have so many of them that I can only laugh at myself.  These are my favorites that I can remember off the top of my head from childhood:

1. If I go on that sailboat, I will sink it, or will cause it to tip over when I change sides.
2. If I ride that horse, I will break its back.
3. If I ride that bike, I will pop its tires.
4. If I walk over a grate on a city sidewalk, I will fall through. This might explain my fear of falling.
5. I will sit in a chair and it will break because of my weight. (that may have actually happened....)
6. I will cross 200 pounds and die, or should die.  (that was at 183 pounds at about age 15)

Now, most of these fears came to be before I was 150-175 pounds, some of them as early as 5-6 years old (the sailboat thing, definitely by 5). Ridiculous to think that 250 pound men do the first 4 things easily without a problem and I was simply terrified. I don't understand irrational fears, nor will I try to hide mine.  I'm sure I'll remember more.

Last night I went through my closet to do inventory on what fit and what didn't.  I have some clothes that are brand new and never fit, but were in purchased in my "goal" category, but fit now or will very soon.  Some clothes are (finally!!) too big. Even better, I have some clothes from 3-5 years ago which are probably about 15-20 pounds away, meaning mid-summer.  I have a pair of Old Navy size 20 jeans (meaning size 16-18 at a Women's store) which are so close to fitting and I haven't been able to wear them in easily 4 years.

I can't even bring across in words how lamely excited I am about this.  From late 2004-2010, I gained around 100 pounds. I'm down to 262.6 (woo!), slowly shedding. I wish I could drop it in 5-6 months like in the Biggest Loser, but I know in "the real world" this takes time, probably 15-18 months total for me (from January 1, 2011).  Plus, as I've previously stated, Kate Middleton at St. Andrews age / pre-wedding scary-skinny is my total body look alike goal.

I could rant forever, but I will stop here. Comments are appreciated and welcome! :)