On the road again..

I'm back.  It's late and so this entry will be short.  I can't believe I haven't blogged in over six months.  I have been cruising down a long road of unhealthy eating and living an inactive lifestyle.  It has to stop. In approximately seven months I will be 30; before this date I have committed to two goals: 

Definite Goal: 
  - to lose 30 pounds by my 30th birthday

Hopeful Goal: 
  - to lose 60 pounds by my 30th birthday. 

Every time I think about weight I get anxiety.  Something small and that I don't even remember now happened earlier today and my immediate thought was 'god I want to house a chocolate bar'.  I haven't binged in a long time (since before I stopped blogging) and I have just spent the last six months eating a lot of mall-type food (food court food etc). 

I also can't believe that I have gained about 13 pounds in six months! I really thought it was only 5 or 6 and it's really stressing me out.  I'm trying to let it go and just move on, but it's stressful...  I re-joined Weight Watchers tonight and am going to start planning and grocery shopping tomorrow and start my fist official full day on Thursday 13 December.  I hope to lose 5 pounds before Christmas. I have a relatively high goal because I know that it's easy to lose a few pounds in your first week.  I'm back up to 279 pounds or so, and I last weighed in here at 266.  Wow.  by the end of January I would like to be around 260-264. 

How have you come back from a long hiatus and succeeded? How have you changed your mindset? I'm kind of desperate for some advice at this point! :/

My outsides are cool, my insides are blue...

I slipped quietly into the night a couple of weeks ago. I haven't blogged, I fell away from twitter and all of my accountability, and got lost in my own mind.  In this time, I also gained 2.5 pounds (awesome!!!!).

I was house/pet-sitting, as many of my twitter followers may know.  The first week was great - I was cooking and doing well with exercise.  The second week wasn't as great: I was running out of money and couldn't go grocery shopping, so my roommate ended up buying a lot of the food that we ate that week (I went home almost daily to take the dog out when she worked, then we hung out, etc). Therefore, we ate out a lot. I off-and-on followed my diet, half-heartedly ate on target with Weight Watchers. Ugh.

Week two of house-sitting was a disaster:  The puppy I was house-sitting for tore her Cruciate Ligament during an unexpected and unwanted (on my behalf) play-date with a rough player.  This then required a vet visit (with my rapidly depleting bank account ending up empty), and nearly constant vigilance until her owners came home. I didn't mind at all, she's SUCH a sweet dog, but I was so nervous for her, being 12 months old and having this injury. Thank goodness the owners were kind about everything.

In addition to that, during the second week away my sister took me to get a manicure / pedicure with her, because I've had a horrible six months.  How is this so bad, you ask? <this might gross some people out> When you get a pedicure they tend to shave some dead skin off of your feet with a razor blade that is made for doing this. My pedicurist straight-up cut my feet up, going way too deep and taking off good skin. I was literally bleeding in multiple places on the back of my heels, and it has been really painful to walk on my heels at all.  Two weeks later, today is the first day that my left foot is not painful to walk on, and my right foot is still sore.

So, this all kind of threw me for a loop and I ended up running back to old habits - eating out, eating junk, not exercising at all (partly not my fault).  I traveled too, and if I don't prepare, I generally don't eat healthily when I do. Staying with family up north I did okay, but those travel days can incur tons of calories.

So I came home from pet-sitting and visiting family, and my roommate told me that the dog has resorted to going to the bathroom in the house in protest of my absence. He is 6 and has not had an accident in the house since he was 5 months old: he's doing it to spite us - he's gone from having me 24/7 to being alone a lot. Literally, I was home yesterday, walked 50 feet down the hall to the trash chute and came back in to him having PEED ON THE FUTON in the time since I left!!  Then, I woke up today and he was suddenly pretty sick: according to the vet visit we had to go on today, he has colitis - probably from the dog park or the vet visit yesterday, where he had a check up from tooth surgery. 

I'm also starting a new job on Monday, and I'd be lying if I said that I was super excited about it.  As I've been unemployed, a friend of mine helped me get a job at a Fortune 1000 company where he works.  Now, not to sound whiny or selfish, but this job is in retail and I spent 5 years of my life trying to run as far as possible from retail. It has bad a history for me, I hate it. I am a great sales person, but I hate sales. These two things will be my job. I figured I'd take the job and start working (and hope for the best), but the stress has also added unwanted eating to my past two weeks.

In addition to all of the fun I've been having, my birthday is this month, and around my birthday I always tend to somewhat fall apart.  I've never figured out why, but I tend to go off diets if I'm on one, or lose myself. 

So, I'm "back."  Not fully, but at least I'm admitting to what I've done and what's happened. I really don't want to sound or come across as whiny, because I'm really not trying to be.  All of these 'reasons' are probably reasons for me to fight harder.  I just didn't. I don't know how to get back on track either...  I'm house-sitting again this weekend, then going to NYC M-F for the next two weeks, weekends at home.  Then, I'll be at home for a full week and back to NYC M-F again. The next month is going to be a huge test for me. I need to succeed. I'm at a make-it or break-it standstill. Who has thoughts, ideas?

<as I finished this, "Good Life" by OneRepublic came on. Having Biggest Loser 11 flashbacks. Happy thoughts.> 

Upgrading? You wish!

There it is.  My baby! A car that I want almost solely only for its luxury (Lexus RX 450h), for the fact that it's so quiet inside, it handles well, I bet it's built like a tank. I'll keep the trunk clean, I'll never eat in it, I'll vacuum it monthly, no weekly, no daily, I'll be the best owner ever I promise!!  

I was in bed last night thinking about cleaning my car - vacuuming out the 10 pounds of dog hair that I'm sure to find, cleaning out and vacuuming the trunk.  Then I caught myself thinking 'whatever, this is just your old car, when you upgrade someday in the distant future, you'll keep that one clean!' But wait, that's never going to happen.  

Oh no, the gears started turning. Is that what I always do? Well, I think that's what I do, I put the unattainable on a pedestal: in a completely different context from what the 40-year old virgin says: "..put the p**sy on a pedestal."  "I'll eat better, I'll workout harder, when I'm thinner, smaller, healthier, happier, etc." That was exactly my problem.

Why do I deserve this lovely, wonderful, perfect car if I can't keep my own in the shape it deserves?  It's not even that old - not even old enough to be in third grade (if it were human, of course)!  I love my car.  It's not quite a beater, but by the time I can afford to and will upgrade to something nice, I'm sure it will be just that.  This car has taken me more than 100,000 miles, it's seen me through some really tough times! 

I started doing Weight Watchers knowing that I'd lose weight if I followed the diet plan, and I was doing that - slowly.  I said things to myself like "Yeah, when I'm 250 pounds I'll work out because it'll be easier" and "When I am in 'One-derland (the 100-199 pound weight zone, for the non-Biggest Loser fans) I will feel happy and then will even start to date!" 

Not to say that I've just turned a corner or become suddenly enlightened, but I've figured some personal stuff out: I have always set goals for myself that I will never be able to, or that will be nearly impossible to attain.  

I think that's why I started doing the Couch to 5K, using Twitter, and most specifically blogging.  No more excuses and delays: I'll start concentrating on small 'wins,' begin my life now, not when something so unbelievably fantastic happens to me.  Because, if I continue living in this twisted fantasy land that I'm in, if these unbelievably fantastic things actually do happen, I'll have no one to share them with! 

I pose these questions to you: Why!? Why do I, why do you (if you do), why do we put ourselves through these cyclical nightmares?  Do you do something similar? What have been your experiences with turning corners?  I deserve this now, YOU deserve this now! 

Being Present

I hate the term 'being present.' I probably hate it the most because I never really was 'present.'  I've been pretty mechanical, which I think will explain some of my anxieties and depression, and for sure PTSD.. I just go through life, non-stop, everything has to be right, done right, mechanically handled, etc.

I've lost weight before. In 1994 I went to fat camp for 6 weeks and lost 24 lbs.  I went from 140 to 116 and I looked amazing afterwards. I was in middle school, and kids were much nicer to me that year. Boys told me that I looked pretty for the first, and what feels like the last time. But, By 14 I was at about 180 and by the end of high school I hit about 200.

I lost weight at 21 years old (20 lbs, back to 200lbs), but it was all mechanical - I did the diet, I lost weight. Things happened and I ate again: for stress, depression, happiness, boredom, fear, you name it.. In 6 1/2 years, I must have really checked out, because all of the sudden as I've shared, I was 300 lbs.

I went through treatment for an ED two years ago, but I'm not sure that I was present for all of that, or if it was the right treatment. I don't know what I weighed, because I was terrified of finding out. I don't think I lost weight, because they had us maintain (or gain, for those who had EDs that required it).. It was then that I was diagnosed with PTSD, which I've found really causes me to close my mind and just forget, not allow any information in. Literally.

So, the past 6 or 7 years have been a blur, some times more than others.. I was struggling with that emotion vs. intellect that I've spoken about, but I think it's even more-so, I've struggled with being there and being okay with sharing my experiences.

Something is different now, or at least it feels like it is.  Maybe it was seeing the number 3 as the first number of my weight, or realizing that I have missed out on so much, maybe it was removing myself from the biggest stresses in my life, I don't know.  But this time I think like I'm actually feeling the weight loss, I'm seeing it happen, I'm keeping track.  I'm blogging about it, which means that I'm sharing my experiences, which I've rarely done before.

I'm trying to be present during exercising. I'm trying to feel my muscles during their struggle, and remember how I feel afterward. I'm trying to engrain it into my brain what I feel when I put clothes on that are too big. I'm trying to remember that five years ago, I was wearing shirts that fit now, so I probably only have 15 lbs to lose until I reach the weight I was 4-5 years ago. I'm trying to remember that being at a weight from five years ago after only six months of hard work is amazing.  I'm finding amazing, strong, supportive online supporters and friends, and this is just the beginning!

My NEW (second) blog!

I created a second blog.  This blog is for day-to-day happenings, stress, weight loss, happiness, etc.  The new one, is to specifically follow my new love (ideal) of plant-based dieting. 

The link is here: Making Monumental Success Personal. The reason it's called that is because of 'The China Study,' a book by the Drs. Campell and actually study done in China. At the recommendation on twitter by the lovely Bob Harper, I saw the documentary 'Forks over Knives' today.  I needed to get away from my mind, and my goodness now I can't wait to get away from my current lifestyle! 

The other blog will probably only be a couple of posts per week, and will contain mainly food and plant-based food information (i.e. recipes that I like, hate, try, etc).  I'm trying to come up with a structure and I think that I might do 1 recipe per week, and give myself a time limit until I'm eating like 90% plant-based foods or something.  I'm toying with the structure, trying to see how I can incorporate it into my current Weight Watchers plan, etc.  I'm so excited though!! :) 

Harry Potter, StumbleUpon and routines

I lead a very exciting life.  As I'm not working (not by my own volition), my days consist of applying for jobs, scouring the internet for more jobs to apply to, taking my dog to the park, taking my dog out to go to the bathroom, feeding my dog, reading, watching TV, thinking about going to the gym, occasionally go grocery shopping or going to the gym, cutting coupons, etc...

Sometimes my routine changes..  I'll occasionally lose myself on twitter or on StumbleUpon. About 15 minutes ago, I found a video about a seal totally falling in love with a woman on a beach. If you haven't seen it, take a few minutes and watch it.  If you need to smile today, you will. I had an ear-to-ear grin on my face.

I never read the Harry Potter books.  But about ten days ago I was told that I should, so I'm borrowing all of the books.  Slightly embarrassed to admit that I'm already on book 6.  I'm going to end the most pointless blog ever and go read it now.  Good night!

p.s. If you read this, check in! Comment! Have a blog? Leave the web address and I'll check it out and follow your blog in return! :)