Instant expectations, eternal manifestations

"Frustration is the manifestation of over-expectations." - Samm Brown, Michael Jackson's old tour manager.

I am the Queen of many things: Sarcasm, short but powerful week-long stints at exercising, self-deprecating humor, amazing first two weeks of diets, dreaming, optimism, self-loathing, (iwishofEnglandalso,dangthatkatemiddleton,loveher,jealous!), retail therapy, going to the movies, I could go on.  I find that there are very few things that stick to me, because I feel like I am always running.

Read that last sentence carefully - I FEEL like I am always running. I can run, but only for about a minute to two at a time. I was in a class where Samm Brown was guest lecturing. I was in awe of what he said, which I'll say again: "Frustration is the manifestation of over-expectations."  My manifesto.

If there is anyone in the world who can make a mountain out of a molehill... I'm sheepishly raising my hand. I believe it was Jane Austen's Mr. Darcy who said this about a woman's mind: "it jumps from admiration to love, from love to matrimony, in a moment."  I do that with everything. I meet a man and within a moment I wonder if he'd be a good husband. I start a diet, or rather a lifestyle change, and within 30 seconds I am picturing myself at a US Size 6, holding hands and skipping through a sunny field of tall grass with Prince William, because he has seen how wonderful the size-6 me is. At size 6, I've become me, I'm not me at the version of myself that exists now. That last bit stopped upon the royal engagement - I bowed out of that crush gracefully ;) ..

But as usual, I digress. What Samm said to me six years ago sticks to me like glue.  I have a gastric bypass view of the world: A Biggest Loser expectation of my life - instant coffee, instant internet searches, nearly instant diet and exercise results. Hard work is incredible, I love working hard. I don't mean to even say that what the BL contestants do is instant, I know how hard they work. But, knowing that I have probably another year of really hard work on my own to even become who I want to be is SO frustrating.  I want to be the version of myself that I picture in my day-dreams and dreams, not the person who lives in this fragile shell.

Frustration envelopes me. I go to the gym, and after say, 400-800 calories of burn, I look in the mirror later and still see this disappointment.  I expect so much of the world that I turn people away, and I turn myself away because I detest myself.  Like I said the other day, Emotion vs. Intellect kicks in quite often. I don't really intellectually detest myself, but emotionally I'm not who I expected myself to be.  The 4 year-old version of me expected that I'd have a string of men who would want to court me, one of whom would become my fairy-tale husband with whom I'd have 2 or 4 wonderful children, a lovely old home, and a level of importance within the society around me.  I expected to make a difference and a huge change in the world, but I can't find a way to change myself..

Right now the late-20s version of me is like an insane person, constantly turning back the clock and asking the younger me what I was thinking, asking where I went wrong!?  Why am I not who I expected, how can I meet my expectations, and why is this all so important to me?

The Biggest Loser & Emotion vs Intellect.

Tap tap microphone, is this thing on....?

I've been watching this Biggest Loser season like it should be a weekly trip to church. I've watched it off-and-on for years. I took ahold of my life this year and came to terms with what I wanted and needed to do with weight loss and just connected with this season's cast. Hannah and Olivia and Irene: these girls blow me away.

I honestly couldn't connect with Irene in the beginning -- they didn't show her as a prominent contestant, she seemed like a background character..  She is coming out of her shell and I feel like I really relate to her. Tonight when Irene was saying the stuff that she was to Jillian, I so connected with that.

Olivia and Hannah.  These two ladies have been my favorites from day 1. Some nights I watched solely for their wit and comments. I connected with them.  I have a sister I'm extremely close to, and Hannah and Olivia seem like our type of sibling-team. So, I hope that one of these three ladies wins the ranch challenge.

I have a problem. I can logically sit and think 'this is wrong, don't do this' but emotionally I am not able to reign myself in or stop myself from doing xyz, whether it be eating too much, secretly eating an extra portion of something, skipping the gym, etc.  I think that this is why I emotionally eat: instead of connecting emotions with what I'm intellectually thinking, I eat those feelings. compressing them to where I can't feel what I'm doing.

I feel like I have that same problem with emotionally connecting my intellect with my self-worth.  Intellectually I will sit here and tell you that I'm amazing, strong, talented, smart, funny and maybe even beautiful.  Emotionally, I can't connect those things, and therefore don't LIVE them... Like, I KNOW them but I don't truly BELIEVE them.  I'm sure once I lose more weight some of the emotion will connect, as I SEE myself actually looking like who I want to be, but I don't know if that is enough.

I started at 300 pounds in November, down to 290.6 on January 1st.  I've been in the 260s since March 20th. I lost from 0.8 to 3.8 pounds weekly. On April 17 my weigh-in was +1.6 and April 24 was -3.8. Weighing myself again this morning, I'm back up a couple of pounds. I'm looking at ways to combat this hugely plateau, have reached out on twitter, received a few ideas by e-mail and by looking online.  The thing that I need to figure out, is HOW do I beat my emotion?  How can the intellect go to combat with the emotion and make the emotion a believer?  If you've read this far, let me know your thoughts! ARGH!!!

I can't live, if living is without you

Mariah Carey said it right ... in that one line anyway. "I can't live, if living is without you-u-u." I have two pillows on my bed and I sleep on the left side of my bed with a specific pillow. The other one I only occasionally use, if I sleep on my side. Mind you, they're not that different - maybe just an inch or two of thickness at most. Sometimes I accidently put them on the opposite side of the bed (whilst changing sheets etc), and it can take a couple of horrific nights to figure this out.

Late last week, I did the dreadful incorrect side switch. Unbeknownst to me as to why, I have had 16 to *maybe* 18 hours of sleep in 3 days. I have trouble falling asleep, do so around 12-12:30, and wake up by 5:30-6 with a painful stiff neck and back, feeling frustrated, delirious.  My days go south: I don't exercise as I'm exhausted, food habits turn to junk, etc. Of course I can never figure out why, until my pillows are discovered!

The stars aligned early this morning, when for some reason I clutched my pillow.  It felt funny, just off slightly.  I reached over to the other pillow and I could almost hear the sky opening up and birds singing. I DID IT AGAIN! I quickly switched them and laid back. I was so excited to go back to sleep, but I realized that I had to get out of bed at that moment. Talk about a buzz kill.

So, dear pillow, please don't leave me.  You are one idiosyncrasy that I can't bear to part with. I look forward to an early night tonight, and 8-9 hours of blissful sleep.

Movin' on up, and lookin' back.

So, I took the unemployment train to job-town and got off.  As I'm still waiting for all of the dust to settle, paperwork and red-tape to be completed and rubber-stamped, I will only say this:  it's in sales, and I'm so happy to have a job again!

Now let me complain for a paragraph.  My last job had jeans and sneakers attire, and I was there for more than 3 years, but less than 10.  Yes, I'm trying desperately to pretend that I have a shred of mystery to myself.  I lived in comfort, which I think could have helped me get to the weight where I was at my highest (300.0!). Today I wore shoes that not only gave me two new blisters, but the one that I already opened up. My feet, well, you get the picture. Why do women put ourselves through this!?

Today I would like to address irrational fears.  I have so many of them that I can only laugh at myself.  These are my favorites that I can remember off the top of my head from childhood:

1. If I go on that sailboat, I will sink it, or will cause it to tip over when I change sides.
2. If I ride that horse, I will break its back.
3. If I ride that bike, I will pop its tires.
4. If I walk over a grate on a city sidewalk, I will fall through. This might explain my fear of falling.
5. I will sit in a chair and it will break because of my weight. (that may have actually happened....)
6. I will cross 200 pounds and die, or should die.  (that was at 183 pounds at about age 15)

Now, most of these fears came to be before I was 150-175 pounds, some of them as early as 5-6 years old (the sailboat thing, definitely by 5). Ridiculous to think that 250 pound men do the first 4 things easily without a problem and I was simply terrified. I don't understand irrational fears, nor will I try to hide mine.  I'm sure I'll remember more.

Last night I went through my closet to do inventory on what fit and what didn't.  I have some clothes that are brand new and never fit, but were in purchased in my "goal" category, but fit now or will very soon.  Some clothes are (finally!!) too big. Even better, I have some clothes from 3-5 years ago which are probably about 15-20 pounds away, meaning mid-summer.  I have a pair of Old Navy size 20 jeans (meaning size 16-18 at a Women's store) which are so close to fitting and I haven't been able to wear them in easily 4 years.

I can't even bring across in words how lamely excited I am about this.  From late 2004-2010, I gained around 100 pounds. I'm down to 262.6 (woo!), slowly shedding. I wish I could drop it in 5-6 months like in the Biggest Loser, but I know in "the real world" this takes time, probably 15-18 months total for me (from January 1, 2011).  Plus, as I've previously stated, Kate Middleton at St. Andrews age / pre-wedding scary-skinny is my total body look alike goal.

I could rant forever, but I will stop here. Comments are appreciated and welcome! :)

Do you, Catherine Middleton, take this.....Jealousy!

Catherine 'Kate' Middleton. I love her, I hate her, I envy her, I gaze at her figure with sheer awe. Well, I did until she did the whole skinny wedding thing.. but before that, if in a picture I could have cut my head off and placed it over hers, that'd be the figure I wanted. However, I digress. Let's go back to the fact that I envy her and I love her and I (don't really) hate her (at all).

So, in 1982, did M. and C. Middleton think "I wonder if this baby will one day be the Queen of this country?" I doubt it.  But in 1982, when I was not cognitively able even understand the words 'Queen, England, or baby', I knew that I would be where Catherine is now.  It's now, and she's there.  I'm here, currently unemployed, bored, overweight, Prince-less, etc.

I have been 'that girl.' The one who openly shares how much I love the British Royal Family, the one who 15 years ago, was posting on Prince William chat rooms, having strangers hiding behind screen names say things like 'you are so nice, you WILL marry Prince William!'  Talk about an ego-booster.  So, for the past eight or nine years, I've watched in envy.  I've watched their pictures with the following not-so-slightly neurotic feelings:
'aww cute couple, hate her, love him'
'Princess Diana was my idol and I wish I could be half as gorgeous as she was.'
'wow, they look serious, but she's a commoner! I am of Royal and peerage lineage!'
'I'm so jealous of that awesome vacation they're on'
'I WANT TO GO SKIING AT KLOSTERS!'
'I wish I was that rich.'
'she looks so good in a bikini, why don't I look like that in a bikini?!'
'I bet that I'd be more philanthropic than she is.'
'She doesn't even have a job!'
'I wonder if I could start a party business and make millions?'
'They broke up? They're back together? My chance was over in an instant!'
'she has such a good fashion style, why don't people size 24-US look that good?' (I kind of always knew that answer)
'I wonder if Prince Harry is single?'

My dreamer side has always been ready to inherit a crown, has been ready to bow to anyone who requires it, and has been awaiting Prince William to hop a plane and bippity-boppity-boop, we ride happily into the sunset in a horse-drawn carriage.

The logical side of me has always known the truth and has always thought my 'dreamer' side to be slightly neurotic.  But, I still feel a little bit sad.  Here I am, unemployed in my late 20s, sitting around filling out applications, while two days from now a very lucky Catherine Middleton will have an extremely long wedding day, inherit a title and all of the luxury that goes with it.  The internal monologues / arguments will continue.

Only I would...

Only I would leave my wallet on my couch and drive to a parking garage (for a job interview, thankfully!) that requires payment.  The interview went great.  It was supposed to be up to an hour, of course chatty cathy here helps extend it to 75 minutes.  I felt like skipping with joy to my car because it went well. I realized at the building exit that I don't have my wallet. Where the frick is my wallet!?!  Oh duh, it's at home. I found an unused Amex gift card from probably two christmases ago and of course it was empty because of those stupid finance charges. B*st*rds!

I tore apart my car looking for change. I found $.94, including 34 pennies.  They required $2 for me to exit.  I drove towards the exit, feeling like I could cry, but thinking that it'd be stupid if I did, because it's $1.06 and I'm probably not the first person this happened to. Also glad that this means I can't pull over at a drive-thru on the way home to stress eat.  Back to reality.  I pull up and it's a cluster***k at the exit.  There are only 2 exits open, both of which are for pre-paid cars.  Awesome, right?  


I pulled over to the side to see if I could talk to someone, and got boxed in. Someone then comes over and tells me to get in an open cashier lane, which will be a minute or so, then I could fill out a form and mail in $2 (great, it'll be $2.47 now, including postage). Finally they opened a cashier lane. I made my way in after some jack*ss in an SUV cuts me off and then stares creepily at me, I was third in line.  I looked in my mirror and there were no joke, at least six cars behind me.  After an eternity that was probably only two minutes tops, it was my turn.


I told the female cashier what happened and she was even more flustered than I was. She handed me something to fill out, I did it, she took the $.94 cents and then got so flustered that she just told me to leave. I didn't have to mail anything, I was able to "keep" the $1.06 that I will now probably irresponsibly spend on a Starbucks beverage tomorrow on the way to another interview. 


I don't really have a moral of the story.  This is just how my life goes. I stumbled and tripped through another day, and was lucky enough to not eat fast food.

Is this thing on?

Just started this blog, trying to keep myself honest. I eat well much of the time, I exercise sometimes.   I don't have time to update now, but I'll be back.  Then I'll think of something to say.