The Diagnosis.

So ignorance is bliss, right? It was for me...  I went to the OBGyn yesterday for the first time in at least 5 years.  Not to get too graphic, but my monthly lady times have been really sporadic, and they haven't been... right.  I told my doctor about my thoughts about PMDD, and since I had ovarian cysts as a teenager she thinks that it's PCOS (polycystic ovarian syndrome).   PCOS can cause a lot of the symptoms that I saw in what I thought was PMDD because of hormone imbalances.  My symptoms are: irregular periods, occasional acne, obesity with extra weight around the waist, anxiety, depression, pelvic pain and light sleep apnea.  

PCOS is on the same spectrum as Diabetes, and women who get it are generally overweight or obese. so that's all just fantastic (<- and that's sarcasm).  I can't take Birth Control pills due to a blood clotting disorder, so my doctor is going to look into Mirena, which is an IUD.   She is also suggesting that I see a Registered Dietician to work on my diet.  She wanted to put me on SSRIs for the time I get cranky before my periods, but I declined.  I'll be trying some herbal remedies as well as vitamins [B-6 and Magnesium] and working on my diet and exercise.  Most doctors who have told me that I need to lose weight have made me feel like crap about it, but this one didn't.  I really liked her advice and will be taking it. 

The good news is that I don't have High Blood Pressure, nor do I have high cholesterol.  I've had tests for various reasons throughout the years, and my BP is almost never over 115/78, and my cholesterol has always been good.   Other good news is, aside from chocolate I have already cut out caffeine: soda 3 years ago and chai tea about 3 weeks ago.   

I feel like I'm supposed to be really overwhelmed and upset about this diagnosis, but I'm not.  It's good to have a diagnosis to start treating, rather than a bunch of symptoms that keep beating me up.  I just need to seriously get a grip and a handle on my diet and exercise so that I can beat this and start leading the life I want to live.  I started well today though, taking a walk with the dog for 40 minutes, doing day one of Couch to 5k, grocery shopping, four hours of cleaning the apartment, doing laundry etc.  I'm starting to get delirious though, so I'm off to bed. 

Feeling like a marshmellow

Two months ago I posted my last post to-date.  I stopped going to the gym about two weeks after that, fell into many old habits (what's that saying about old habits dying hard?), became depressed...  A month ago and last week are two specific days that are important to me, but are really difficult.  They're pertaining to an anniversary of a death and a birthday of said person's death.  Mystery aside, they're really tough every year and they have been for the past seven years. 

The job I'm in now also doesn't allow me to take off any time between now and January, which when your family is around 400 miles away makes for a terrible holiday season.  I can't figure out how to break the cycle that I am back in.  I want to change again, I want to re-take my body back over, I want to become myself again.  I'm still paying off my training sessions, so I will have those to go back to, but I'm just in a funk. 

I've thought about diaries, but I honestly hate them. I log into MyFitnessPal every day, but rarely post anything. I try to use it to motivate myself, but at this point nothing is motivating me. I watch the Biggest Loser every week, and love seeing the contestants do so well. At the same time, I feel gross when contestants who weighed more than me now weigh less. To top it all off, I've gained around 4-5 pounds and just feel lethargic all of the time. 

Any suggestions?  Thoughts? Ideas? Share here or on twitter: @300toFinally175.  I'm hoping for a Bob Harper style mental ass-kicking, or at least something that changes my mindset!  Help! Thanks. 

What a change...

So, one would think that going to one of the largest and most incredible, populated, busy cities in the world would create a strong desire to work out like crazy and eat healthily.  Well, I thought I ate healthy. I made it a point to walk no less than 15 blocks north at lunch before I ate lunch and turned around to walk 15 more blocks, so that I would get some exercise.  In the evenings I walked between 15-40 blocks before turning around also.  I calculated it and I walked between about 3-6 miles per day.

I ate salads and hummus, made sure to get fruit salad almost every day, ate few "bad" foods, although I ate out for every meal.  I tried to eat at healthy, local and fresh-food serving restaurants and did fairly well, but I do know that I made some poor choices. So, I didn't lose weight. In fact, when I started this new job I was 256 pounds. This morning I was 260 pounds. This was in two weeks.  Travel days were the worst - I have a history of traveling and eating in train stations and airports, eating pretty much crap.  Well, in three weeks I had 6 very long travel days. I know I ate poorly on each of those days.

I feel bloated, gross, lethargic, depressed. I don't feel like I did when I was unemployed but exercising super regularly, eating homemade foods.  This training that I've been in is nine hours long, with a one hour lunch.  By the time I get back to my hotel (after working and walking) I've been up for about 13-15 hours, and I just don't feel like jumping on the elliptical or treadmill, or even doing 20 minutes of weights.

It's horrible to say aloud how much this job is making me miserable so far.  I was made to feel really uncomfortable (by the way of sexual harassment) by someone in a higher up position (whom I will not work with other than the work that has already happened).  I met someone from another location who was an absolute D-BAG, who made the weeks suck even more by putting everyone (me) down to make him/herself seem super awesome and amazing.

I applied to a university today. I hope I get in and can afford to go. I really want to go to school full-time and maybe work part-time.  I want a job that I love, or at least look forward to going to each day.

I can't believe that I've turned such a corner, and for the worse. A month ago I was feeling okay, feeling like I was doing well or at least tolerantly well with weight loss. I honestly expected myself to be 10-12 pounds less by now than I currently weigh.

Also, my sister joined an online dating site last week and convinced me to do it, so I did it today. Then I read an article where a man said that he won't date women over size 12, 14 is pushing it.  He said 16 or higher is just gross. Awesome.  What a smart time to join a website, right?

Oy.  Does anyone have ANY suggestions or ideas as to how I can pull myself out of this slump?  Please reply, Any help or suggestions would be amazing.

A little bit o' pity

I'm a very optimistic, upbeat dreamer. I take after my father in that way, my family always lets me know that.  I don't regret it though, dreaming.  The only thing that I hate about being a dreamer is this:  The higher you dream the harder you fall, if you fall.  I hold myself to very high standards, so it can be really difficult to go through these "falls."  I went through one today, and it hurt...

This morning I woke up with a general feeling of 'blah.'  The puppy I'm house-sitting for woke me up at about 6am and I had to take care of the her, and the cats. At about 8:30 or 9 I fell back asleep, until noon.  I was so irritated that I slept so late, I was just feeling grumpy.  The only way that I can explain how I felt was told to me on Twitter today:

OneHotDiehl Christa Diehl 

@ 

@300toFinally140 As my husband says. Bad words and violence!!

Three months ago, I applied to a top 25 in US University. I have a 4.0 in 3 classes relating to my course of study, and an overall 3.5 GPA. I originally took a non-traditional route in school, then took a job that I thought would be a great career choice. Clearly not. I want to just stop what I am doing in life now and finish my BA, maybe get an MA. As an older student and a female with great letters of recommendation, I thought that I'd have a decent shot.

I went home to meet my roommate, see a movie and do dinner. I grabbed the mail on the way in and found two letters from the school. I was immediately devastated because they were letters and not packages you get when you get accepted. But, seeing that there were two I thought that maybe I was accepted and was given additional info.

I opened the first letter: standard rejection letter.  I opened the second letter: standard rejection letter. I got rejected twice. In the same day. At the same time? For the one spot I applied for??? ARE YOU FLIPPING KIDDING ME? Talk about deflating a balloon (aka my spirit!!!).

I cried, and tried to hide it from my roommate, she bought dinner and our movie, which was so nice.  I didn't count Weight Watchers points, but I doubt I went over, getting up late took care of that for me.

So anyway, here's the rest of my pity party, party of one. I have now totally brought out all of my angry feelings:  I'm hovering around 260ish still, as I've been for 4 weeks. The job that I am supposed to start was pushed so that I'm unemployed for another month. I'm lonely from the male/female relationship aspect, which always comes out around my birthday, which is in about a month.

I just want to feel these feelings and then let them go. I'm allowing myself to feel this pain. But I'll admit, I'm SO frustrated.. Annoyed. Angry. Hurt. Sad. Self-loathing. Feeling worthless. You name it... Ugh.

Tomorrow is another day. I'll start investigating new schools to go to, I'll work out tomorrow, because I have to, not because I want to... I'm human, and I know that this too, shall pass.

Biggest Loser Season 11 Finale

We all have opinions, some of stronger than others.  I have opinions, and I think a lot of them are valid!  I was once told that my opinions are either works of fiction or just false, and the person who told me this had opinions that are "fact". Screw that. Here are mine.

The Biggest Loser Season 11 Finale was last night.  And if you haven't seen it [i.e. you live in a dark closet with no internet or TV connections], beware, below are some SPOILERS.  Also below are my opinions. You're welcome. ;)

A few at-home contestants.
These contestants I followed the closest throughout Season 11


Austin: I followed Austin relatively closely.  In the beginning, I wasn't a huge fan of his, but I don't think he was even a big fan of his and I kind of realized that. As he came out of his shell and basically grew up, I became a supporter, and he seems like a cool guy. I was shocked that he lost the at-home prize to Deni, I thought he had it.

Arthur: I didn't really follow him all that closely, but I expected a slightly higher amount of weight loss from him, based on how well he was already doing when they did his follow-up after he was sent home..

Courtney: Love this girl, she seems true to herself and like she cares about everyone.  I was surprised that she didn't lose a bit more weight at home, but based on her twitter posts it seemed like she was pushing really hard.  She looked wonderful, especially from her highest weight, and I expect to see great things from her!

Justin: Okay, I didn't really follow him that much, but did he seem high as a kite to anyone else?

Jen / Sarah: WOW!  Blonde bombshells! I dislike the color blonde (too much like Barbie), but hello hotties! Great job, amazing. Especially Sarah with her 'baby muscles.' Woo!

Kaylee: I'm sorry. Seriously? Really? Kidding? Losing weight is tough, I get it. Keeping it off is really tough, I get it.  But did she just go on this show for Moses? Did she learn anything? Throwing weigh-ins was supposed to end when you got sent home!  Contestants like this (and Rulon, Dan, Don, Q....) irk me, because of people like the white team (Vance and his mom, oh wait, ironically her boyfriend) who seemed like they really would have done well! #!$%^!#$%^

The Final 4: 

These contestants I followed the closest throughout Season 11

Jay:  WHAT a champion. This man, the comeback kid was just that. Something wasn't right with him when he came back from his stint at home, but wow did he come back!  He looks amazing, and in a daughter/father way - I was so proud of him! He seems like a true gentleman!

Irene: Silent Ninja. As the biggest loser on the ranch, I definitely expected a slightly lower number from her, but she really did look stunning.  She seemed "off" last night, which I attribute to nerves.  She is a serious champion though, I definitely love her and am glad she was in the final 3!!

Hannah: I will say, if I had to pick one: Hannah was my favorite.  There, I said it. Her humor with Olivia is just like mine with my sister, and there is something about Hannah that I just really connected with.  She brought light to every tough situation, and I felt so connected with everything she felt about herself.  I hope that I can become half of the beautiful woman she has, and like she spoke about, I can't wait to begin dating again also!  As straight as I am I have a total girl-crush on Hannah! She's hot! :)

Olivia: This woman, I don't even know where to begin. She started out pretty broken, like she had the world on her shoulders and no way out.  Something seemed to click about 8 weeks ago (weeks in the show), and she just dove for it.  I don't think that there was a contestant who wanted it more, for the right reasons. She had specific goals: to be able to have a baby, to lose the weight, to get the opera gigs that she deserves, to become the Biggest Loser. In true sister style, she edged Hannah out by such a small amount, and I'm not surprised: we older sisters are competitive & take-charge! Congratulations Olivia!

The trainers:

Bob: Nothing else to say other than I have the biggest crush on this man, wish he was my trainer and friend, and I hope to meet him some day. Also, I hope that when I meet him I'm at my goal weight so he can call me hot like he did Hannah ;)  Just sayin'. (adore him, value his opinion!)

Cara: I can't hate her, I just can't. I relate to her with losing a parent, and there's something about her that is earnest. She clearly connected emotionally with many of her contestants. I don't think that she was necessarily ready for this task, and I wasn't a fan of her unflattering dress, but I'm kind of disappointed to not see her try to improve for a second season. A lot of people judge Cara and Brett, but listening to Bob/Jillian talk about the earliest Biggest Loser seasons: They weren't perfect then either.  I hope that Cara has learned a ton in this experience.

Brett: I'll admit it, on his teacher challenge, I was hot for teacher.  He was a former overweight person, and I really connected to that.  With his style of training, I didn't really connect, but I think he was really learning a lot and I'm not sure that TV-editing gave him the fairest chance...  But alas, it's been announced that he won't return (nor will Cara), and I wish him well.  I hope that he has learned a ton that will help him do well in the future!

Jillian:  The lovely, strong, tiny firecracker Jillian Michaels. I think that her strong, loud, vibrant demeanor and yet inwardly mushy heart (admit it) made her a staple in the show.  The dynamic will surely change, and like everyone, I will miss her a lot: I'll miss her shouting in the gym, her reactions at weigh-ins, her unwavering outward confidence.  What a role-model I have found in her. I can't mourn, as I listen to her podcasts whilst exercising, plan on buying Unlimited at the next possible financially right moment. I await her tweets on twitter like a child awaiting summer vacation, and look forward to seeing her future endeavors.

Anna: Really?  I mean, I don't want to judge her yet and I'm trying SO hard not to, but really? All I could see were legs last night.  A sports star knows how to train personally, but to train others? I'm skeptical, that's as honest as I can be. I don't really relate to her because I don't know her story.  I feel like NBC was trying to attract viewers by hiring her, but then why let go of Brett and Cara, at least they have a season of BL experience!  Why not have more personal training time, let Bob lead the trainers, take charge that way?  Eh.  I can't hate, I just can't.  But it'll take some convincing by NBC on my part..

So overall?  The finale seemed a bit rushed and confusing, though I was grinning ear to ear for most of it. Not unhappy that Rulon wasn't on, could've done without Q, Dan and Don. I look forward to seeing the next year for the Season 11 contestants.  I can't wait to feel like these contestants talk about feeling- the happiness, the euphoria, the new-ness of life. I'll probably start watching Season 12 when it comes on in September.  I hope that by the time Season 12 begins, I weigh less than at least a few of the women!  <-- honesty.

Please share your thoughts, opinions on the show or on my post.  Would love some discussion. :)

Upgrading? You wish!

There it is.  My baby! A car that I want almost solely only for its luxury (Lexus RX 450h), for the fact that it's so quiet inside, it handles well, I bet it's built like a tank. I'll keep the trunk clean, I'll never eat in it, I'll vacuum it monthly, no weekly, no daily, I'll be the best owner ever I promise!!  

I was in bed last night thinking about cleaning my car - vacuuming out the 10 pounds of dog hair that I'm sure to find, cleaning out and vacuuming the trunk.  Then I caught myself thinking 'whatever, this is just your old car, when you upgrade someday in the distant future, you'll keep that one clean!' But wait, that's never going to happen.  

Oh no, the gears started turning. Is that what I always do? Well, I think that's what I do, I put the unattainable on a pedestal: in a completely different context from what the 40-year old virgin says: "..put the p**sy on a pedestal."  "I'll eat better, I'll workout harder, when I'm thinner, smaller, healthier, happier, etc." That was exactly my problem.

Why do I deserve this lovely, wonderful, perfect car if I can't keep my own in the shape it deserves?  It's not even that old - not even old enough to be in third grade (if it were human, of course)!  I love my car.  It's not quite a beater, but by the time I can afford to and will upgrade to something nice, I'm sure it will be just that.  This car has taken me more than 100,000 miles, it's seen me through some really tough times! 

I started doing Weight Watchers knowing that I'd lose weight if I followed the diet plan, and I was doing that - slowly.  I said things to myself like "Yeah, when I'm 250 pounds I'll work out because it'll be easier" and "When I am in 'One-derland (the 100-199 pound weight zone, for the non-Biggest Loser fans) I will feel happy and then will even start to date!" 

Not to say that I've just turned a corner or become suddenly enlightened, but I've figured some personal stuff out: I have always set goals for myself that I will never be able to, or that will be nearly impossible to attain.  

I think that's why I started doing the Couch to 5K, using Twitter, and most specifically blogging.  No more excuses and delays: I'll start concentrating on small 'wins,' begin my life now, not when something so unbelievably fantastic happens to me.  Because, if I continue living in this twisted fantasy land that I'm in, if these unbelievably fantastic things actually do happen, I'll have no one to share them with! 

I pose these questions to you: Why!? Why do I, why do you (if you do), why do we put ourselves through these cyclical nightmares?  Do you do something similar? What have been your experiences with turning corners?  I deserve this now, YOU deserve this now! 

Don't want the scab, only want the scar

FYI, this post has a slightly more adult theme to it (a couple of edited curse words, basically). Just be warned! :) 

So, I'm a bleeding heart (no pun intended, you'll see why in a minute) Iron & Wine fan.  I have been since long-before Garden State. For the movie, Zach Braff came to my house, stole all of my music, put my favorites it in his movie and gave me no credit. It was devastating! I'm totally kidding, of course, but it sure felt like that. ;)  Especially after people always say 'Oh, do you like so-and-so because of Garden State?' and then I wanted to slam my head through a brick wall. 

Anyway, I digress. A common theme.  "Let's circle back" as an old boss used to say (nails on a chalkboard)!  Iron & Wine have a song called Innocent Bones.  I've always loved it.  It's relaxing, the instruments are great, and I love the vocals. Here are the lyrics: 

Cain got a milk-eyed mule from the auction
Abel got a telephone 

And even the last of the blue-eyed babies know
That the burning man is the color of the end of day
And how every tongue that gets bit always has another word to say 

Cain bought a blade from some witch at the window
Abel bought a bag of weed 

And even the last of the brown-eyed babies see 

That the cartoon king has a tattoo of a bleeding heart 
There ain't a penthouse christian that wants the pain of the scab, but they all want the scar 
How every mouth sings of what it's without so we all sing of love 
And how it ain't one dog who's good at f--king and denying who he's thinking of

Cain heard a cat tumble limp off the rooftop 
Abel heard his papa pray 
And even the last of the black-eyed babies say 
That every saint has a chair you can borrow in a church to sell
That the wind blows cold across the backs of a master and the kitchen help 
There's a big pile of innocent bones still holding up the garden wall 
And it was always the broken hand we learned to lean on after all 
How God knows if Christ came back he'd find us in a poker game 
After finding out the drinks were all free but they won't let you out the door again

So the three lines of lyric that I love the most are bolded.  I know that every time I get bit I fight back.  With PTSD, I generally don't realize what I'm saying until it's too late. It's fight or flight - my brain's in flight, but I fight.  I'm getting better though. Win! 

The second lyric, "There ain't a penthouse christian that wants the pain of the scab, but they all want the scar" hits me every time I hear it, and I think of this lyric probably 3 times a week. I want to be 140 pounds. Do I honestly want to work it off ounce by ounce, 1-2 pounds per week until I get there? Goodness no! But, I'm going to, because magic wands do not exist, except for in Harry Potter....Those b*st*rds. ;-)  Win, I'm fighting back!

To those who feel like they need to fight or flight and are weighing heavily on the latter part, think about the second and third bolded lines: What are you running from? Are you looking for the scar, but running from the pain of the scab? Remember, it was always the broken hand we learned to lean on after all.  We can run, we can lash out, we can give up. We learned to lean on the broken hand, we learned to be weak, we learned to give up.  So UN-LEARN it all. 

The voices of Negative Nancy, Pissy Paula, Bitter Betty (sorry if your first names are any of these!) will visit us all sometimes, but have the option to have last word with them. I'm choosing to Win. Win with me. 

Win, wins, winning or losing

Looking at the context of the current forefront of my 'journey,' I'm going to address my confusion about winning in regards to diet, exercise and really, life.

WIN

–verb (used without object)

1. to finish first in a race, contest, or the like.

2. to succeed by striving or effort: He applied for a scholarship and won.

3. to gain the victory; overcome an adversary: The home team won.

Clearly I understand the dictionary definition of win... I'm surprisingly bright!  But, after tooting my own horn for a moment I have to ask, what exactly constitutes a 'win' in my day-to-day journey?

- I have lost more than 41 pounds in 6 months: I know that this constitutes a win. 
- I have shrunk 2 sizes so far: I know that this is a definite win.
- I have reached out via twitter and blogging, to share what I have for so long feared. WIN! 
- I have let go of the two biggest stressors in my life: such a win! 
- I had mexican food today, had half the rice of usual, no sour cream, no chips! Kind of a win? 

I get it, I'm winning in many things...Right?

Today I didn't want to go to the gym. I was dragging. I was a little dehydrated, feeling sluggish after my burrito today (which I had allocated WW Points to and had chosen ingredients for carefully!), the list goes on.

I dragged myself to the gym, walking down 6 flights of stairs to get there. I stretched and then spent a whopping 11 minutes on the treadmill, stopping when I hit 100 calories.  I stretched and did some light weight-lifting and jumped on the elliptical for 15 minutes with a 3 minute cool down.  I started normally and then became really aggressive, which is different for me. I went as high as 12.5 miles per hour on the elliptical and burned 189 calories.

I will admit, getting to that speed and keeping my speed at more than 6.5mph for more than 10 minutes was a pretty big win for me, (I usually do 4-5mph steady for about 45 minutes).  I stretched and did a couple of minutes of additional weight-training after the 18-minute, 189 calorie stint on the elliptical, then I just sluggishly left.  I walked up 6 flights of stairs after my time at the gym and that felt like a small win. Was the whole gym trip a loss because I fell about 500 calories short of my usual hour?

How do you find WINs in your day-to-day life?  How do they keep you going?  What do you constitute a win?  Do you see yourself winning only when you lose 1 or more pounds in a week? Is .1 pound loss a win?  What do you call a loss?

Being Present

I hate the term 'being present.' I probably hate it the most because I never really was 'present.'  I've been pretty mechanical, which I think will explain some of my anxieties and depression, and for sure PTSD.. I just go through life, non-stop, everything has to be right, done right, mechanically handled, etc.

I've lost weight before. In 1994 I went to fat camp for 6 weeks and lost 24 lbs.  I went from 140 to 116 and I looked amazing afterwards. I was in middle school, and kids were much nicer to me that year. Boys told me that I looked pretty for the first, and what feels like the last time. But, By 14 I was at about 180 and by the end of high school I hit about 200.

I lost weight at 21 years old (20 lbs, back to 200lbs), but it was all mechanical - I did the diet, I lost weight. Things happened and I ate again: for stress, depression, happiness, boredom, fear, you name it.. In 6 1/2 years, I must have really checked out, because all of the sudden as I've shared, I was 300 lbs.

I went through treatment for an ED two years ago, but I'm not sure that I was present for all of that, or if it was the right treatment. I don't know what I weighed, because I was terrified of finding out. I don't think I lost weight, because they had us maintain (or gain, for those who had EDs that required it).. It was then that I was diagnosed with PTSD, which I've found really causes me to close my mind and just forget, not allow any information in. Literally.

So, the past 6 or 7 years have been a blur, some times more than others.. I was struggling with that emotion vs. intellect that I've spoken about, but I think it's even more-so, I've struggled with being there and being okay with sharing my experiences.

Something is different now, or at least it feels like it is.  Maybe it was seeing the number 3 as the first number of my weight, or realizing that I have missed out on so much, maybe it was removing myself from the biggest stresses in my life, I don't know.  But this time I think like I'm actually feeling the weight loss, I'm seeing it happen, I'm keeping track.  I'm blogging about it, which means that I'm sharing my experiences, which I've rarely done before.

I'm trying to be present during exercising. I'm trying to feel my muscles during their struggle, and remember how I feel afterward. I'm trying to engrain it into my brain what I feel when I put clothes on that are too big. I'm trying to remember that five years ago, I was wearing shirts that fit now, so I probably only have 15 lbs to lose until I reach the weight I was 4-5 years ago. I'm trying to remember that being at a weight from five years ago after only six months of hard work is amazing.  I'm finding amazing, strong, supportive online supporters and friends, and this is just the beginning!

Mid-week weigh-in, coming clean.

I'll start this off by saying that I never talk about food or eating with people. I was in treatment for an ED once (compulsive overeating) and other than in group and personal therapy there, I haven't talked about it... On that train of thought, I haven't actually BINGED (like 2k+ calories binged) in at least a 6-9 months, so I have been doing well, other than still slightly over-eating, occasional stress or emotional eating, or just eating the wrong foods etc. I've been keeping track of things relatively well. Working on getting better. 


My weekly online Weight Watchers weigh-ins are on Sundays. I haven't been exercising and it was catching up to me.  I didn't lose any week last week (261.4 to 261.4). So on Sunday and Monday, I decided to go exercising with the dog, and I did each day; it felt great! I didn't eat all that much during the day on Monday. That night, I had a huge binge with my roommate who did the same thing. For no reason other than we were watching TV, bored, and ate pizza from the box instead of civilized using plates!! 


Over the course of two hours I ate half an order of cheese fries and an entire medium (12") cheese pizza. OMFG!!!!! I didn't sleep Monday night, at all. I actually stayed up the entire night and read a book, feeling like I absolutely wanted to die. How could I have done this so regularly before!? I mean, I used to almost do it daily!! I felt sick until Tuesday at about 1pm. 


As I've now blogged about 34 times about it, y'all will know that I had a 712 calorie workout yesterday and I felt pretty amazing.  Today I'm going to bring the dog out to the island we've been going to do and do it again.  After that, I'm going to spend some time at the gym and try to do at least 30 minutes on the elliptical, to keep at a 700+ calorie daily daily output. 


Today when I woke up I weight myself again, to see if the damage was really done: 260.8. I'm so relieved.  I forgive myself for Monday and am going to count it as a lesson learned.  This entire week I'm going to try to make up for it and I want to lose at least 2 pounds from my Sunday weigh-in. I deserve forgiveness, I expect hard work, and I deserve to lose 2 pounds!! 

The Biggest Loser & Emotion vs Intellect.

Tap tap microphone, is this thing on....?

I've been watching this Biggest Loser season like it should be a weekly trip to church. I've watched it off-and-on for years. I took ahold of my life this year and came to terms with what I wanted and needed to do with weight loss and just connected with this season's cast. Hannah and Olivia and Irene: these girls blow me away.

I honestly couldn't connect with Irene in the beginning -- they didn't show her as a prominent contestant, she seemed like a background character..  She is coming out of her shell and I feel like I really relate to her. Tonight when Irene was saying the stuff that she was to Jillian, I so connected with that.

Olivia and Hannah.  These two ladies have been my favorites from day 1. Some nights I watched solely for their wit and comments. I connected with them.  I have a sister I'm extremely close to, and Hannah and Olivia seem like our type of sibling-team. So, I hope that one of these three ladies wins the ranch challenge.

I have a problem. I can logically sit and think 'this is wrong, don't do this' but emotionally I am not able to reign myself in or stop myself from doing xyz, whether it be eating too much, secretly eating an extra portion of something, skipping the gym, etc.  I think that this is why I emotionally eat: instead of connecting emotions with what I'm intellectually thinking, I eat those feelings. compressing them to where I can't feel what I'm doing.

I feel like I have that same problem with emotionally connecting my intellect with my self-worth.  Intellectually I will sit here and tell you that I'm amazing, strong, talented, smart, funny and maybe even beautiful.  Emotionally, I can't connect those things, and therefore don't LIVE them... Like, I KNOW them but I don't truly BELIEVE them.  I'm sure once I lose more weight some of the emotion will connect, as I SEE myself actually looking like who I want to be, but I don't know if that is enough.

I started at 300 pounds in November, down to 290.6 on January 1st.  I've been in the 260s since March 20th. I lost from 0.8 to 3.8 pounds weekly. On April 17 my weigh-in was +1.6 and April 24 was -3.8. Weighing myself again this morning, I'm back up a couple of pounds. I'm looking at ways to combat this hugely plateau, have reached out on twitter, received a few ideas by e-mail and by looking online.  The thing that I need to figure out, is HOW do I beat my emotion?  How can the intellect go to combat with the emotion and make the emotion a believer?  If you've read this far, let me know your thoughts! ARGH!!!