Instant expectations, eternal manifestations

"Frustration is the manifestation of over-expectations." - Samm Brown, Michael Jackson's old tour manager.

I am the Queen of many things: Sarcasm, short but powerful week-long stints at exercising, self-deprecating humor, amazing first two weeks of diets, dreaming, optimism, self-loathing, (iwishofEnglandalso,dangthatkatemiddleton,loveher,jealous!), retail therapy, going to the movies, I could go on.  I find that there are very few things that stick to me, because I feel like I am always running.

Read that last sentence carefully - I FEEL like I am always running. I can run, but only for about a minute to two at a time. I was in a class where Samm Brown was guest lecturing. I was in awe of what he said, which I'll say again: "Frustration is the manifestation of over-expectations."  My manifesto.

If there is anyone in the world who can make a mountain out of a molehill... I'm sheepishly raising my hand. I believe it was Jane Austen's Mr. Darcy who said this about a woman's mind: "it jumps from admiration to love, from love to matrimony, in a moment."  I do that with everything. I meet a man and within a moment I wonder if he'd be a good husband. I start a diet, or rather a lifestyle change, and within 30 seconds I am picturing myself at a US Size 6, holding hands and skipping through a sunny field of tall grass with Prince William, because he has seen how wonderful the size-6 me is. At size 6, I've become me, I'm not me at the version of myself that exists now. That last bit stopped upon the royal engagement - I bowed out of that crush gracefully ;) ..

But as usual, I digress. What Samm said to me six years ago sticks to me like glue.  I have a gastric bypass view of the world: A Biggest Loser expectation of my life - instant coffee, instant internet searches, nearly instant diet and exercise results. Hard work is incredible, I love working hard. I don't mean to even say that what the BL contestants do is instant, I know how hard they work. But, knowing that I have probably another year of really hard work on my own to even become who I want to be is SO frustrating.  I want to be the version of myself that I picture in my day-dreams and dreams, not the person who lives in this fragile shell.

Frustration envelopes me. I go to the gym, and after say, 400-800 calories of burn, I look in the mirror later and still see this disappointment.  I expect so much of the world that I turn people away, and I turn myself away because I detest myself.  Like I said the other day, Emotion vs. Intellect kicks in quite often. I don't really intellectually detest myself, but emotionally I'm not who I expected myself to be.  The 4 year-old version of me expected that I'd have a string of men who would want to court me, one of whom would become my fairy-tale husband with whom I'd have 2 or 4 wonderful children, a lovely old home, and a level of importance within the society around me.  I expected to make a difference and a huge change in the world, but I can't find a way to change myself..

Right now the late-20s version of me is like an insane person, constantly turning back the clock and asking the younger me what I was thinking, asking where I went wrong!?  Why am I not who I expected, how can I meet my expectations, and why is this all so important to me?