On the road again..

I'm back.  It's late and so this entry will be short.  I can't believe I haven't blogged in over six months.  I have been cruising down a long road of unhealthy eating and living an inactive lifestyle.  It has to stop. In approximately seven months I will be 30; before this date I have committed to two goals: 

Definite Goal: 
  - to lose 30 pounds by my 30th birthday

Hopeful Goal: 
  - to lose 60 pounds by my 30th birthday. 

Every time I think about weight I get anxiety.  Something small and that I don't even remember now happened earlier today and my immediate thought was 'god I want to house a chocolate bar'.  I haven't binged in a long time (since before I stopped blogging) and I have just spent the last six months eating a lot of mall-type food (food court food etc). 

I also can't believe that I have gained about 13 pounds in six months! I really thought it was only 5 or 6 and it's really stressing me out.  I'm trying to let it go and just move on, but it's stressful...  I re-joined Weight Watchers tonight and am going to start planning and grocery shopping tomorrow and start my fist official full day on Thursday 13 December.  I hope to lose 5 pounds before Christmas. I have a relatively high goal because I know that it's easy to lose a few pounds in your first week.  I'm back up to 279 pounds or so, and I last weighed in here at 266.  Wow.  by the end of January I would like to be around 260-264. 

How have you come back from a long hiatus and succeeded? How have you changed your mindset? I'm kind of desperate for some advice at this point! :/

When three's not enough but one was too many...

I'm sure you've heard the saying about kids where 'one's not enough but two's too many'...  I've got a different take on it.

Cravings becoming binges.  My cravings are like this moment where I picture"I. O Fortuna" popping into my head and I'm this ballet dancer being pulled from side to side by two male ballet dancers, fighting over me. It's a love vs. hate relationship. Yin vs Yang.  I want it but I hate it.  I succumb.  What it comes down to is a concept that came into my head when I was starting to stuff cookies into my mouth tonight: "Three is not enough, but one was too many." Three doesn't cease your craving, but one is more than you should be eating at that point.  That's when my cravings turn into a binge...

Luckily, that stopped my eating the cookies tonight, and I only ate two.  I know it could have been much worse, so I was grateful to be able to stop.  Thought I'd share.

Mid-week weigh-in, coming clean.

I'll start this off by saying that I never talk about food or eating with people. I was in treatment for an ED once (compulsive overeating) and other than in group and personal therapy there, I haven't talked about it... On that train of thought, I haven't actually BINGED (like 2k+ calories binged) in at least a 6-9 months, so I have been doing well, other than still slightly over-eating, occasional stress or emotional eating, or just eating the wrong foods etc. I've been keeping track of things relatively well. Working on getting better. 


My weekly online Weight Watchers weigh-ins are on Sundays. I haven't been exercising and it was catching up to me.  I didn't lose any week last week (261.4 to 261.4). So on Sunday and Monday, I decided to go exercising with the dog, and I did each day; it felt great! I didn't eat all that much during the day on Monday. That night, I had a huge binge with my roommate who did the same thing. For no reason other than we were watching TV, bored, and ate pizza from the box instead of civilized using plates!! 


Over the course of two hours I ate half an order of cheese fries and an entire medium (12") cheese pizza. OMFG!!!!! I didn't sleep Monday night, at all. I actually stayed up the entire night and read a book, feeling like I absolutely wanted to die. How could I have done this so regularly before!? I mean, I used to almost do it daily!! I felt sick until Tuesday at about 1pm. 


As I've now blogged about 34 times about it, y'all will know that I had a 712 calorie workout yesterday and I felt pretty amazing.  Today I'm going to bring the dog out to the island we've been going to do and do it again.  After that, I'm going to spend some time at the gym and try to do at least 30 minutes on the elliptical, to keep at a 700+ calorie daily daily output. 


Today when I woke up I weight myself again, to see if the damage was really done: 260.8. I'm so relieved.  I forgive myself for Monday and am going to count it as a lesson learned.  This entire week I'm going to try to make up for it and I want to lose at least 2 pounds from my Sunday weigh-in. I deserve forgiveness, I expect hard work, and I deserve to lose 2 pounds!!