The Diagnosis.

So ignorance is bliss, right? It was for me...  I went to the OBGyn yesterday for the first time in at least 5 years.  Not to get too graphic, but my monthly lady times have been really sporadic, and they haven't been... right.  I told my doctor about my thoughts about PMDD, and since I had ovarian cysts as a teenager she thinks that it's PCOS (polycystic ovarian syndrome).   PCOS can cause a lot of the symptoms that I saw in what I thought was PMDD because of hormone imbalances.  My symptoms are: irregular periods, occasional acne, obesity with extra weight around the waist, anxiety, depression, pelvic pain and light sleep apnea.  

PCOS is on the same spectrum as Diabetes, and women who get it are generally overweight or obese. so that's all just fantastic (<- and that's sarcasm).  I can't take Birth Control pills due to a blood clotting disorder, so my doctor is going to look into Mirena, which is an IUD.   She is also suggesting that I see a Registered Dietician to work on my diet.  She wanted to put me on SSRIs for the time I get cranky before my periods, but I declined.  I'll be trying some herbal remedies as well as vitamins [B-6 and Magnesium] and working on my diet and exercise.  Most doctors who have told me that I need to lose weight have made me feel like crap about it, but this one didn't.  I really liked her advice and will be taking it. 

The good news is that I don't have High Blood Pressure, nor do I have high cholesterol.  I've had tests for various reasons throughout the years, and my BP is almost never over 115/78, and my cholesterol has always been good.   Other good news is, aside from chocolate I have already cut out caffeine: soda 3 years ago and chai tea about 3 weeks ago.   

I feel like I'm supposed to be really overwhelmed and upset about this diagnosis, but I'm not.  It's good to have a diagnosis to start treating, rather than a bunch of symptoms that keep beating me up.  I just need to seriously get a grip and a handle on my diet and exercise so that I can beat this and start leading the life I want to live.  I started well today though, taking a walk with the dog for 40 minutes, doing day one of Couch to 5k, grocery shopping, four hours of cleaning the apartment, doing laundry etc.  I'm starting to get delirious though, so I'm off to bed. 

THE Moment...That Moment...The Moment of Clarity.

Stress. Anxiety. No caffeine. Depression. Irritation. Anger. Annoyance.  All here.  I told myself that when I turned 30, to put it bluntly I would "get my sh*t together".  It's been a few months and I still haven't done that much in my personal life.  I re-joined Weight Watchers and went to some meetings, but I haven't hit that 'moment' where you say "this is it. I need to change."   Two weeks ago I gave up caffeine and I feel like it was awful and terrible and yet a good thing to do for the long run.   Still, no visit from "the moment". 

My roommate and I planned yesterday to be the day we started cleaning out our apartment to move in a couple of months, as well as to clean out our fridge and begin anew with healthier eating and following WW.   As she works nights and sleep days, I did the trip to Costco for a few things.  On the way home I was thinking about my gym which I passed on the way home; I decided to go later that day and schedule an appointment with a personal trainer.  I need to strengthen my core, begin increasing my overall health. 

Upon my return home and ready for the day, I had some groceries and a purse in one hand, and as the elevator doors opened I leaned down to pick up (with my left hand) a huge package of toilet paper (on my right side) when I did the dreaded lift and twist; I felt it immediately.  Incredible pain throughout my lower back and upper butt area.  I struggled down the hall and dropped our stuff off inside the doorway to the apartment.  Putting weight on my left foot was like a knife being stuck in my left buttock and spine.

I went into my room immediately and laid down on my back with my knees up in an upside-down V.  I just kept repeating 'oh no, oh no, oh no.'  My mother, brother and sister have all had the same injuries: herniated or bulging discs.  My mother and brother required surgery and my sister required physical therapy…. Now I guess it's my turn.  I struggled to stand up, crying out as the pain was getting worse and I went into my roommate's room and woke her up so that she could take me to urgent care.  

As the Nurse that she is, she told me to stick an ice pack on it and take some ibuprofen and rolled over.  Within ten minutes I was in tears, hunched over a chair.  I had to use the bathroom, but sitting down caused intense pain.  My roommate got up and took me to urgent care and my doctor told me that it was most likely similar to my family's injuries.  The pain is mainly the soft tissue inflammation and it'll take a few days to go down. In a few days, I might start feeling better but might need physical therapy; if not at all by a week from now then I have to visit an orthopedic surgeon. 

I was sent home with pain killers, steroids and muscle relaxers.  On the way home from the urgent care all that I could think about was 'is this a sign? Is this the one that I've been waiting for?'  This is my warning sign.  "The moment" that I've been waiting for.  I'm so mad at this moment!  I have been on the couch or in bed for the last 30 hours.  I feel like a lump, especially as I have to take an extra day off of work this week, where I'm already struggling.  My stomach is again larger, I'm barely fitting into my clothes.  Is this it? 

I'm thirty years old and I've barely dated.  I have these amazing dreams and daydreams about climbing mountains and taking amazing pictures.  I think about running and rowing crew and playing soccer and skiing, roughhousing with my amazing boyfriend/husband, making out with him in a cottage in the countryside of England, sledding, playing in the snow.  I see pictures of me scuba diving in the tropics, and hiking in the highlands of Scotland.  In my daydreams I always have boundless energy and take incredible pictures. 

Caffeine gave me ten percent of that energy and I felt great for a few minutes here or there but I want it all of the time.  Quitting caffeine and making the changes that I need to make, will help.  But it's what I do with "the moment" that will decide my future.  What would you do in this situation? 

Caffeine no more.

I have been looking more seriously at the changes that I need to make. Diet, exercise, healthy living.  Everything just seems so overwhelming.  Two weeks ago I decided to cut out one thing that is affecting me: caffeine.  I'm not someone who drinks six cups of coffee per day, but I do drink a grande cup of Starbucks soy chai each morning (sometimes two in a day!).  When I don't drink it, I find myself suffering by noon.   I started researching some of the side effects of caffeine.  Anxiety is one that stuck out;  I have self-diagnosed PMDD, so in my research I saw that caffeine is pretty bad for someone with PMDD.  I also go through the "crash" during the day where I feel terrible, am groggy, etc.  So I decided to quit my super expensive habit of drinking Starbucks. 

The first day failed as I had my chai before work; my co-workers were really hard on me because they knew what my plans were.  The next day I succeeded.  I had a headache by noon, and took two naps at two hours each; it was difficult to say the least.  Day two I slept later than usual by about two hours (9:30am). I felt okay in the morning, but knew that once I was a few hours past my first normal dose of caffeine, I'd feel the side-effects.  Yep, I dragged myself to work and had an exhausting day.  My muscles hurt everywhere and I felt dehydrated, no matter how much water I drank.  I felt out of it the whole day, and my co-workers, boss and even a random customer asked me what was wrong. 

Day three was still exhausting -- all of my muscles ached, I felt tired all day and I still felt like I was in a funk.  My boss wanted to strangle me.  I was annoyed and had a shorter fuse than normal, which was tough because I've made some huge personal strides at work lately. 

The rest of the first week went okay; I found that I stopped enjoying the breakfast sandwich I normally got from Starbucks, because the two items usually go together and it just wasn't the same.  It left me with positive and confused feelings all at once; I have stopped spending $7-8 per day on Starbucks, but my routine was always to start there.  I usually start my day with a drive with my dog so that can have something exciting to do.  I do this because he used to get sick quite frequently when I took him to the dog park.  So, what now?  I substituted other things - Subway breakfast sandwich, a stop off to get a bagel, etc.  So, it is just confusing. 

I've just completed the second week of being caffeine (well, Chai) free.  The end of my first week, and the beginning of the second week were interesting. I have noticed that I'm more depressed lately and I'm much more lethargic. I kind of miss the jolt in the morning where I have a great bolt of energy, but I don't miss the afternoon lull or the sweating and rapid heartbeat if I drank chai too quickly.   I'm moving in a couple of months to another city, and my life and my job are almost up in the air which are most likely contributing factors, but I can't help but think that the lack caffeine is not helping me.   I don't want to start drinking it again, and I look forward to see how I can progress. 

I need a makeover

I don't know what is WRONG with me.  I fix a problem for someone at work and I have to hold back tears because of feeling good and knowing that I made their day better. I watch the Biggest Loser and I cry.  I tell a sweet story about someone and surprise! I tear up.  I watch a video or a commercial that's touching and freaking bloody surprise!!! I cry like a baby. Every single couple I see I feel like punching in the stomach with my green fist filled with envy.  On the flip side, I see a good looking guy, or a tall guy around my age who isn't wearing a wedding ring and my thoughts in this order are: "Oooh, no ring. How YOU doin'?  Who are you kidding, you're fat he'd never go for you. Moving right along... Stop self, don't tear up, C'MON!!!"  It's almost as if my brain is shouting out "I'm not happy, so you shouldn't be either!!!!!!!!" I'm just so worn out all of the time. 

I watch the Biggest Loser every week and I love the show so much.  I watch Jillian Michaels, Bob Harper and Dolvett Quince train their contestants and I am filled with envy. I want that experience so badly.  I have so far to go: 100-130 pounds until I get to a satisfactory weight.  I haven't seen the dastardly 'one-derland' since I was 14 years old, if not younger.  The thought of it terrifies me, I've spent more than half of my life this way, all of my adulthood. Who would I even be?  I see Danni Allen in this season's BL and I find myself dying to be in her shoes.  I feel like that could be me.  I feel like it should be me (in addition to, not instead of her)...

I've been dieting.  It has been going okay; I lost around 10 pounds in February / first week of March, but I had a weekend away and I'll find out for sure in the morning but I think I've gained a few pounds again.  I feel like crap: emotionally, physically, psychologically.   I need a head to toe makeover, starting with my brain.  I'm so lethargic and never feel like exercising.  For weeks I was making veggie smoothies to take to work and was eating solely at home, but for the past week I just haven't.  I don't know where to begin again.  I hear / read / listen to people say 'start small! positive affirmations!' but any time I have been involved with a person or group who talks about that, I want to curse at them and in plain english say "S.T.F.U."

I have figured out a few of my key issues: 

1. Depressed over a death of a parent (though it was 8 1/2 years ago it still hurts like heck). 

2. Job hatred: I'm WAY underpaid and undervalued; I don't love what I do. 

3. Weight and issues relating to this stemming back to early childhood. 

4. PTSD and PMDD. What a delight having these two together. 

5. Jumpstart motivation: I go so quickly that it's like when you jump too high on a trampoline... You never land just right. Then the landing hurts so I walk away. 

6. Anxiety: I paint pretty pictures of things but can't physically do them, as if a barrier is stopping me. 

7. Money: my devil. 

I take so many things in emotionally. I just watched a video about cage free vs free range vs pasture raised chickens / eggs and I feel like giving up my life for chickens. I watch the BL and I feel like giving up my life and moving to the BL resort to lose the weight I need to lose.  Any and every time I watch TV or movies I regret leaving California (where I once lived) and leaving the industry, because I just love that side of things.  So now I wonder. What do I do?  I'm being encouraged to stay in my job because the benefits are really good.  I'm being encouraged from another person in my life to quit my job, take out loans and go to school full time.  I'm being encouraged to just stay on Weight Watchers and lose weight.  But my head is so full and I'm so confused.  What...do...I...do...????

What a change...

So, one would think that going to one of the largest and most incredible, populated, busy cities in the world would create a strong desire to work out like crazy and eat healthily.  Well, I thought I ate healthy. I made it a point to walk no less than 15 blocks north at lunch before I ate lunch and turned around to walk 15 more blocks, so that I would get some exercise.  In the evenings I walked between 15-40 blocks before turning around also.  I calculated it and I walked between about 3-6 miles per day.

I ate salads and hummus, made sure to get fruit salad almost every day, ate few "bad" foods, although I ate out for every meal.  I tried to eat at healthy, local and fresh-food serving restaurants and did fairly well, but I do know that I made some poor choices. So, I didn't lose weight. In fact, when I started this new job I was 256 pounds. This morning I was 260 pounds. This was in two weeks.  Travel days were the worst - I have a history of traveling and eating in train stations and airports, eating pretty much crap.  Well, in three weeks I had 6 very long travel days. I know I ate poorly on each of those days.

I feel bloated, gross, lethargic, depressed. I don't feel like I did when I was unemployed but exercising super regularly, eating homemade foods.  This training that I've been in is nine hours long, with a one hour lunch.  By the time I get back to my hotel (after working and walking) I've been up for about 13-15 hours, and I just don't feel like jumping on the elliptical or treadmill, or even doing 20 minutes of weights.

It's horrible to say aloud how much this job is making me miserable so far.  I was made to feel really uncomfortable (by the way of sexual harassment) by someone in a higher up position (whom I will not work with other than the work that has already happened).  I met someone from another location who was an absolute D-BAG, who made the weeks suck even more by putting everyone (me) down to make him/herself seem super awesome and amazing.

I applied to a university today. I hope I get in and can afford to go. I really want to go to school full-time and maybe work part-time.  I want a job that I love, or at least look forward to going to each day.

I can't believe that I've turned such a corner, and for the worse. A month ago I was feeling okay, feeling like I was doing well or at least tolerantly well with weight loss. I honestly expected myself to be 10-12 pounds less by now than I currently weigh.

Also, my sister joined an online dating site last week and convinced me to do it, so I did it today. Then I read an article where a man said that he won't date women over size 12, 14 is pushing it.  He said 16 or higher is just gross. Awesome.  What a smart time to join a website, right?

Oy.  Does anyone have ANY suggestions or ideas as to how I can pull myself out of this slump?  Please reply, Any help or suggestions would be amazing.

It's my party, and I'll cry if I want to.

My birthday is here.  I hate my birthday. They seem to be getting less amazing and more mundane. Let me explain. Six months ago I moved from the 50 mile radius that I spent 26 of the 27 years of my life in.

For the last five years I worked for a company that I put 150% of my effort into.  I kind of stopped hanging out with a lot of my friends because of this all-consuming job. I missed opportunities to go (for free) to Latin America, and things like that because this job was supposed to be my future, the all-encompassing EVERYTHING.  Two years before I started that job, I made and immediately spent thousands of dollars on going to more than 150 concerts all over the country in one year, therefore also blowing off some of my oldest friends to meet the friends that I had only for the concert-going period of my life.

As I became more and more overweight I set goals for myself, like "I'll surprise my old friends and show up when I've lost 20 pounds, 50 pounds, 100 pounds, 150 pounds..." and "I'll ignore Facebook [which is where I keep in touch with some of my oldest friends] and suddenly put new and pretty pictures of the thin-me up so they'll want to see me again." "When I get a job that pays me well enough to travel, I'm going to ask some friends to go on a great trip!"

So much bad and worse had happened to and with me during the last two years of this so-wonderful-job that I was left with very few people in my life. I moved, and I ended up leaving the company that I dedicated all of my efforts to.  Subsequently, in the last six months of unemployment, it is as if the sh*t finally hit the fan.  Now, no one really contacts me on a regular basis, and in return, I have nothing new to contact them about other than "Hi, doing the same nothing today, the dog park was empty today, very unusual! The dog has gas, it's very stinky. How are you? Loving married life? Beautiful children! New boyfriend? Awesome!"

As I stated before, I can't stand my birthday.  It falls around father's day (I was a "Father's Day baby"), my father passed away years ago, since I've all but disappeared from all of my friends, I have nothing and almost no one around for my birthday.

My siblings and I never really did the presents thing for one another - for whatever reason it just wasn't like that.  Not to sound super selfish, but I received one (albeit very nice) gift from my mother, and Facebook 'Happy Birthday's" from everyone else.  It just seems kind of .... disappointing.  Then I feel really selfish for feeling like I even deserve anything for my birthday, because I know there are people who have even fewer people and things than I do.

I watch my sister call, text, e-mail, facebook all of her friends - she has dozens of them at home. My brother has the same thing - I watch him and his 'crew' that he has been friends with for literally 15-20 years and I just feel terrible. I finally told my sister the other night about how I feel about my birthday.  She had been giving me a hard time about not caring what we did on my birthday, not caring if we went out, not having an opinion on what to do. I started crying in the middle of the restaurant. It was horrible.  I'm crying again now as I write about this, and again as I re-read it.

So, as stated in my previous entry, I have pretty much just given up. I'm back to many of my old habits, I haven't given any thought to even doing Weight Watchers at all, I haven't been to the gym in weeks because of that stupid pedicurist. I just don't care.

PTSD

I've been dreading talking about this. I can't hide behind it anymore, as much as I want to. About 18 months ago, I was diagnosed with PTSD. Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder.  Without going into too many details, there have been about 5-6 separate traumatic events or time-periods over the span of 20 years that have taken me from 'great' to 'okay' to 'bad' to 'worse' to 'bloody awful,' where I sit now.

I grew up a bubbly, outgoing, fun, a total dreamer, caring, prepared for anything kind of girl.  In high school, I was voted most likely to go into the Peace Corps. I was in half a dozen choirs, head of many community service events, you name it and I had my hand in it. I grew up the center of the room: when I walked in, you knew it and I was comfortable there.  There was nothing show-boaty about me, I just was and still am me: as sincere as I can be...

During my adult life, I would say four of the aforementioned traumas have happened. In six years I gained 100 pounds. I'm starting to lose it (I'm down 38.6 pounds) and am trying to take precautions, but I don't feel any better. Living with PTSD is pure hell. I'm trapped behind this wall of anxiety and dread.  I cry at the drop of a hat.

Nearly any time that I have a conversation that sparks a debate or resembles one, I forget almost everything immediately thereafter. If I feel threatened, survival instincts kick in and I just lash out to get the issue to end. It almost always causes friction, and I can never explain myself properly.  If I can picture myself doing anything inside, it's as if someone threw me into a pit of spiders and snakes, and I'm closing my eyes and screaming, jumping around and trying to push them away.

I turn everyone away: I can't bring myself to respond. For example, someone e-mailed me about ten days ago, and I've been sitting on the e-mail dreading my response. There is nothing sour at ALL on either side, it is actually relatively positive, but it is something that I blew off to handle later and then blew up from a tiny grape to an entire vineyard.

In the past I went through periods of paranoia - not bad, but there. In my old place of residence, every noise was a burglar, and someone was definitely about to break in.  I saw a specific car on my then street, not identical to one that I feared, but a four door version of the two door car that I wished to avoid, and I broke out in cold sweats, panting, tearing up and eventually keeping a knife with me 'just in case.'

When I get to do something (i.e. go to a job, get an interview, etc) I am able to like a light switch really turn the old me back on. Phone interviews are always amazing - I am a pretty good phone person.  When people ask how I am (friends that I still have left), I'm always FINE (f.i.n.e. see liner notes here)!

Lately, I've been feeling so stressed out to where I can't cope.  I have been trying to find a job and have applied for around 100 jobs and have been turned down for 30 so far. It's really difficult, because it's bringing up so many of the past issues, and with no job, money, or insurance, I can't even see a therapist to deal with this stuff..

I started a job 10 days ago and left it 6 days ago after one of my new colleagues, who unprofessional and very slimy, said things to me that made me slip into yet another 'funk.'  Knowing that I didn't deserve what I was getting there, I opted to leave. I finally listened to my gut. It didn't make me feel any better though, and I still don't feel any better.

Recently I have become kind of internally aggressive. I've pictured myself punching people who upset me. At one point at the job last week, to the piss-ant who ignorantly told me that I would receive no love and be a cat lady forever (I hate cats), I pictured horrible and somewhat violent things happening to him.  I am probably the least violent person I know. Sometimes things don't affect me immediately, but they affect me a few days later, it builds up, I stress eat, regret it, etc.

So, I don't know what the gist of this is.  I'm on such a roller coaster of emotions, I just want something amazing to happen to me. I want so badly to be happy. I have fleeting moments where I picture myself to be: a carefree adventurer, an athlete, someone who just loves herself to pieces, a gym-rat, able to stand solidly on my own two feet, financially stable, in love, happy, satisfied. I yearn for those days. I need those days to start. I need an up-swing.

DISCLAIMER:  I'm not looking for a pity party, I just needed to get this out. Only a few people in my life know about my PTSD and only one family member even knows most of what I wrote..