Best things happen in threes

This post is specifically because things happen in threes, and I've posted two entries. I tend to do things in bulk.

Today I went Grocery shopping. Yesterday Kate Middleton, who I need to start remembering to call 'the Duchess of Cambridge' went grocery shopping. They speculated about if she was cooking something special for Prince William. She had people photograph her and it was front page news:

No one photographed me except for the probable security system at the grocery store. I cooked for my sister and it wasn't the same amount of special!? What a let down!!!! I love her shoes. I opted for sneakers.

Also, I wish my hair did that.

Instant expectations, eternal manifestations

"Frustration is the manifestation of over-expectations." - Samm Brown, Michael Jackson's old tour manager.

I am the Queen of many things: Sarcasm, short but powerful week-long stints at exercising, self-deprecating humor, amazing first two weeks of diets, dreaming, optimism, self-loathing, (iwishofEnglandalso,dangthatkatemiddleton,loveher,jealous!), retail therapy, going to the movies, I could go on.  I find that there are very few things that stick to me, because I feel like I am always running.

Read that last sentence carefully - I FEEL like I am always running. I can run, but only for about a minute to two at a time. I was in a class where Samm Brown was guest lecturing. I was in awe of what he said, which I'll say again: "Frustration is the manifestation of over-expectations."  My manifesto.

If there is anyone in the world who can make a mountain out of a molehill... I'm sheepishly raising my hand. I believe it was Jane Austen's Mr. Darcy who said this about a woman's mind: "it jumps from admiration to love, from love to matrimony, in a moment."  I do that with everything. I meet a man and within a moment I wonder if he'd be a good husband. I start a diet, or rather a lifestyle change, and within 30 seconds I am picturing myself at a US Size 6, holding hands and skipping through a sunny field of tall grass with Prince William, because he has seen how wonderful the size-6 me is. At size 6, I've become me, I'm not me at the version of myself that exists now. That last bit stopped upon the royal engagement - I bowed out of that crush gracefully ;) ..

But as usual, I digress. What Samm said to me six years ago sticks to me like glue.  I have a gastric bypass view of the world: A Biggest Loser expectation of my life - instant coffee, instant internet searches, nearly instant diet and exercise results. Hard work is incredible, I love working hard. I don't mean to even say that what the BL contestants do is instant, I know how hard they work. But, knowing that I have probably another year of really hard work on my own to even become who I want to be is SO frustrating.  I want to be the version of myself that I picture in my day-dreams and dreams, not the person who lives in this fragile shell.

Frustration envelopes me. I go to the gym, and after say, 400-800 calories of burn, I look in the mirror later and still see this disappointment.  I expect so much of the world that I turn people away, and I turn myself away because I detest myself.  Like I said the other day, Emotion vs. Intellect kicks in quite often. I don't really intellectually detest myself, but emotionally I'm not who I expected myself to be.  The 4 year-old version of me expected that I'd have a string of men who would want to court me, one of whom would become my fairy-tale husband with whom I'd have 2 or 4 wonderful children, a lovely old home, and a level of importance within the society around me.  I expected to make a difference and a huge change in the world, but I can't find a way to change myself..

Right now the late-20s version of me is like an insane person, constantly turning back the clock and asking the younger me what I was thinking, asking where I went wrong!?  Why am I not who I expected, how can I meet my expectations, and why is this all so important to me?

Do you, Catherine Middleton, take this.....Jealousy!

Catherine 'Kate' Middleton. I love her, I hate her, I envy her, I gaze at her figure with sheer awe. Well, I did until she did the whole skinny wedding thing.. but before that, if in a picture I could have cut my head off and placed it over hers, that'd be the figure I wanted. However, I digress. Let's go back to the fact that I envy her and I love her and I (don't really) hate her (at all).

So, in 1982, did M. and C. Middleton think "I wonder if this baby will one day be the Queen of this country?" I doubt it.  But in 1982, when I was not cognitively able even understand the words 'Queen, England, or baby', I knew that I would be where Catherine is now.  It's now, and she's there.  I'm here, currently unemployed, bored, overweight, Prince-less, etc.

I have been 'that girl.' The one who openly shares how much I love the British Royal Family, the one who 15 years ago, was posting on Prince William chat rooms, having strangers hiding behind screen names say things like 'you are so nice, you WILL marry Prince William!'  Talk about an ego-booster.  So, for the past eight or nine years, I've watched in envy.  I've watched their pictures with the following not-so-slightly neurotic feelings:
'aww cute couple, hate her, love him'
'Princess Diana was my idol and I wish I could be half as gorgeous as she was.'
'wow, they look serious, but she's a commoner! I am of Royal and peerage lineage!'
'I'm so jealous of that awesome vacation they're on'
'I WANT TO GO SKIING AT KLOSTERS!'
'I wish I was that rich.'
'she looks so good in a bikini, why don't I look like that in a bikini?!'
'I bet that I'd be more philanthropic than she is.'
'She doesn't even have a job!'
'I wonder if I could start a party business and make millions?'
'They broke up? They're back together? My chance was over in an instant!'
'she has such a good fashion style, why don't people size 24-US look that good?' (I kind of always knew that answer)
'I wonder if Prince Harry is single?'

My dreamer side has always been ready to inherit a crown, has been ready to bow to anyone who requires it, and has been awaiting Prince William to hop a plane and bippity-boppity-boop, we ride happily into the sunset in a horse-drawn carriage.

The logical side of me has always known the truth and has always thought my 'dreamer' side to be slightly neurotic.  But, I still feel a little bit sad.  Here I am, unemployed in my late 20s, sitting around filling out applications, while two days from now a very lucky Catherine Middleton will have an extremely long wedding day, inherit a title and all of the luxury that goes with it.  The internal monologues / arguments will continue.