I don't know what is WRONG with me. I fix a problem for someone at work and I have to hold back tears because of feeling good and knowing that I made their day better. I watch the Biggest Loser and I cry. I tell a sweet story about someone and surprise! I tear up. I watch a video or a commercial that's touching and freaking bloody surprise!!! I cry like a baby. Every single couple I see I feel like punching in the stomach with my green fist filled with envy. On the flip side, I see a good looking guy, or a tall guy around my age who isn't wearing a wedding ring and my thoughts in this order are: "Oooh, no ring. How YOU doin'? Who are you kidding, you're fat he'd never go for you. Moving right along... Stop self, don't tear up, C'MON!!!" It's almost as if my brain is shouting out "I'm not happy, so you shouldn't be either!!!!!!!!" I'm just so worn out all of the time.
I watch the Biggest Loser every week and I love the show so much. I watch Jillian Michaels, Bob Harper and Dolvett Quince train their contestants and I am filled with envy. I want that experience so badly. I have so far to go: 100-130 pounds until I get to a satisfactory weight. I haven't seen the dastardly 'one-derland' since I was 14 years old, if not younger. The thought of it terrifies me, I've spent more than half of my life this way, all of my adulthood. Who would I even be? I see Danni Allen in this season's BL and I find myself dying to be in her shoes. I feel like that could be me. I feel like it should be me (in addition to, not instead of her)...
I've been dieting. It has been going okay; I lost around 10 pounds in February / first week of March, but I had a weekend away and I'll find out for sure in the morning but I think I've gained a few pounds again. I feel like crap: emotionally, physically, psychologically. I need a head to toe makeover, starting with my brain. I'm so lethargic and never feel like exercising. For weeks I was making veggie smoothies to take to work and was eating solely at home, but for the past week I just haven't. I don't know where to begin again. I hear / read / listen to people say 'start small! positive affirmations!' but any time I have been involved with a person or group who talks about that, I want to curse at them and in plain english say "S.T.F.U."
I have figured out a few of my key issues:
1. Depressed over a death of a parent (though it was 8 1/2 years ago it still hurts like heck).
2. Job hatred: I'm WAY underpaid and undervalued; I don't love what I do.
3. Weight and issues relating to this stemming back to early childhood.
4. PTSD and PMDD. What a delight having these two together.
5. Jumpstart motivation: I go so quickly that it's like when you jump too high on a trampoline... You never land just right. Then the landing hurts so I walk away.
6. Anxiety: I paint pretty pictures of things but can't physically do them, as if a barrier is stopping me.
7. Money: my devil.
I take so many things in emotionally. I just watched a video about cage free vs free range vs pasture raised chickens / eggs and I feel like giving up my life for chickens. I watch the BL and I feel like giving up my life and moving to the BL resort to lose the weight I need to lose. Any and every time I watch TV or movies I regret leaving California (where I once lived) and leaving the industry, because I just love that side of things. So now I wonder. What do I do? I'm being encouraged to stay in my job because the benefits are really good. I'm being encouraged from another person in my life to quit my job, take out loans and go to school full time. I'm being encouraged to just stay on Weight Watchers and lose weight. But my head is so full and I'm so confused. What...do...I...do...????
