THE Moment...That Moment...The Moment of Clarity.

Stress. Anxiety. No caffeine. Depression. Irritation. Anger. Annoyance.  All here.  I told myself that when I turned 30, to put it bluntly I would "get my sh*t together".  It's been a few months and I still haven't done that much in my personal life.  I re-joined Weight Watchers and went to some meetings, but I haven't hit that 'moment' where you say "this is it. I need to change."   Two weeks ago I gave up caffeine and I feel like it was awful and terrible and yet a good thing to do for the long run.   Still, no visit from "the moment". 

My roommate and I planned yesterday to be the day we started cleaning out our apartment to move in a couple of months, as well as to clean out our fridge and begin anew with healthier eating and following WW.   As she works nights and sleep days, I did the trip to Costco for a few things.  On the way home I was thinking about my gym which I passed on the way home; I decided to go later that day and schedule an appointment with a personal trainer.  I need to strengthen my core, begin increasing my overall health. 

Upon my return home and ready for the day, I had some groceries and a purse in one hand, and as the elevator doors opened I leaned down to pick up (with my left hand) a huge package of toilet paper (on my right side) when I did the dreaded lift and twist; I felt it immediately.  Incredible pain throughout my lower back and upper butt area.  I struggled down the hall and dropped our stuff off inside the doorway to the apartment.  Putting weight on my left foot was like a knife being stuck in my left buttock and spine.

I went into my room immediately and laid down on my back with my knees up in an upside-down V.  I just kept repeating 'oh no, oh no, oh no.'  My mother, brother and sister have all had the same injuries: herniated or bulging discs.  My mother and brother required surgery and my sister required physical therapy…. Now I guess it's my turn.  I struggled to stand up, crying out as the pain was getting worse and I went into my roommate's room and woke her up so that she could take me to urgent care.  

As the Nurse that she is, she told me to stick an ice pack on it and take some ibuprofen and rolled over.  Within ten minutes I was in tears, hunched over a chair.  I had to use the bathroom, but sitting down caused intense pain.  My roommate got up and took me to urgent care and my doctor told me that it was most likely similar to my family's injuries.  The pain is mainly the soft tissue inflammation and it'll take a few days to go down. In a few days, I might start feeling better but might need physical therapy; if not at all by a week from now then I have to visit an orthopedic surgeon. 

I was sent home with pain killers, steroids and muscle relaxers.  On the way home from the urgent care all that I could think about was 'is this a sign? Is this the one that I've been waiting for?'  This is my warning sign.  "The moment" that I've been waiting for.  I'm so mad at this moment!  I have been on the couch or in bed for the last 30 hours.  I feel like a lump, especially as I have to take an extra day off of work this week, where I'm already struggling.  My stomach is again larger, I'm barely fitting into my clothes.  Is this it? 

I'm thirty years old and I've barely dated.  I have these amazing dreams and daydreams about climbing mountains and taking amazing pictures.  I think about running and rowing crew and playing soccer and skiing, roughhousing with my amazing boyfriend/husband, making out with him in a cottage in the countryside of England, sledding, playing in the snow.  I see pictures of me scuba diving in the tropics, and hiking in the highlands of Scotland.  In my daydreams I always have boundless energy and take incredible pictures. 

Caffeine gave me ten percent of that energy and I felt great for a few minutes here or there but I want it all of the time.  Quitting caffeine and making the changes that I need to make, will help.  But it's what I do with "the moment" that will decide my future.  What would you do in this situation? 

Dreams vs Reality; Dancing vs Couching.

For as long as I can remember, I have made up vivid little scenarios in my head that I'd like to see happen. Sometimes it starts with a daydream and then becomes an all out scenario.  Sometimes it's just an escape for me, from the drudgery of my day-to-day existence.  For example: 


I might see a super-good looking guy in person and then daydream myself thinner and dating him.  That daydream turns into picturing my dream house that I'd remodel, us in our king-size bed with flowing curtains looking out over a large lawn with perfect grass and our two or three dogs running around the back yard.  The detail in my daydreams is somewhat frightening. I can picture my night-stand, the books on it, the books on his night stand, the paint on our walls, you name it. I dream at night like this too - often awakening to the thought of "where am I?", being confused as to why I'm not awake in my new house.

One of my longest going mock-scenario-daydreams has been that I'm a terrific dancer. I'm talking Heather Morris from Glee talented. I have many quasi-secrets and daydreams regarding dancing. The first and probably oldest is that I am wonderful at ballroom dancing, and can perform dances like the waltz, foxtrot and tango. I picture myself like Princess Diana, dancing in fancy gowns, amazing jewelry, terribly uncomfortable shoes.  They become more modern as I've aged.  I am not generally a hip-hop dancer fan, and holy crap anything that Glee puts out I dream about being involved with.   I have this secret dream that the creators of Glee will put out a series of exercise videos, with sections for beginning, intermediate and experienced dancers.  It's something that I could really get into and sweat to. It would encourage me to lose weight. Also, it's probably a cash cow, because people love that show! <Glee plug over>


I don't know what these scenario-daydreams are about, or even when they got started - I don't have them all of the time, sometimes once a day, or twice if I'm feeling lonely or anxious.  I was relatively active as a kid, but was teased and beat up (emotionally, mentally and occasionally physically) throughout my childhood, so turned to food and gave up activity. I even had my parents tell me things like 'this sport is going to be too competitive in high school, you won't be able to compete at that level.'  I have a feeling they were trying to protect me from the pain of failing a tryout, or the inability to attend meets and travel games due to a lack of familial finances at the time, but I'll never know if I could have competed at that level.  I always felt second best, second rate, second class.  It was almost in a sense...engrained in me. 


I have this intellectual side that says that the dreams are probably a way for me to feel normal and what I picture others' lives like; an escape from my day-to-day life. A lot of times I know that these things are just things that I want.  Having PTSD, I find myself reverting to these scenarios when I'm feeling vulnerable or anxious. After an assault that I went through, for some time I found that they were nearly all bad scenarios: picturing myself bloody,  traumatized, beaten up, etc.  Then they turned back to 'normal' or desirous. The emotional side of me feels childish, doesn't want them to stop; I feel more whole in them because in them I get what I want.  It's like an imagination-based 'Second Life' game (which by the way, freaks me out and I find creepy). 


Part of me feels trapped, like they are a security blanket from the PTSD. I know that I can be happy when I escape into my inner-mind: in love with my "boyfriend", thin, happy, athletic.  None of these scenarios currently exist in real life.  I sometimes wonder if I'm too scared to find them in real life because I'll be disappointed by what I find, as I've created such a tall pedestal upon which my expectations sit.  I hope that this doesn't make me come off as crazy.  I can absolutely discern the fact from fiction, and know that when I daydream or create a scenario, it's not real; I start or stop them at any given moment.  Hmm, I don't know.  Maybe I'll find a way to eventually make some of my dreams a happy reality!