What a change...

So, one would think that going to one of the largest and most incredible, populated, busy cities in the world would create a strong desire to work out like crazy and eat healthily.  Well, I thought I ate healthy. I made it a point to walk no less than 15 blocks north at lunch before I ate lunch and turned around to walk 15 more blocks, so that I would get some exercise.  In the evenings I walked between 15-40 blocks before turning around also.  I calculated it and I walked between about 3-6 miles per day.

I ate salads and hummus, made sure to get fruit salad almost every day, ate few "bad" foods, although I ate out for every meal.  I tried to eat at healthy, local and fresh-food serving restaurants and did fairly well, but I do know that I made some poor choices. So, I didn't lose weight. In fact, when I started this new job I was 256 pounds. This morning I was 260 pounds. This was in two weeks.  Travel days were the worst - I have a history of traveling and eating in train stations and airports, eating pretty much crap.  Well, in three weeks I had 6 very long travel days. I know I ate poorly on each of those days.

I feel bloated, gross, lethargic, depressed. I don't feel like I did when I was unemployed but exercising super regularly, eating homemade foods.  This training that I've been in is nine hours long, with a one hour lunch.  By the time I get back to my hotel (after working and walking) I've been up for about 13-15 hours, and I just don't feel like jumping on the elliptical or treadmill, or even doing 20 minutes of weights.

It's horrible to say aloud how much this job is making me miserable so far.  I was made to feel really uncomfortable (by the way of sexual harassment) by someone in a higher up position (whom I will not work with other than the work that has already happened).  I met someone from another location who was an absolute D-BAG, who made the weeks suck even more by putting everyone (me) down to make him/herself seem super awesome and amazing.

I applied to a university today. I hope I get in and can afford to go. I really want to go to school full-time and maybe work part-time.  I want a job that I love, or at least look forward to going to each day.

I can't believe that I've turned such a corner, and for the worse. A month ago I was feeling okay, feeling like I was doing well or at least tolerantly well with weight loss. I honestly expected myself to be 10-12 pounds less by now than I currently weigh.

Also, my sister joined an online dating site last week and convinced me to do it, so I did it today. Then I read an article where a man said that he won't date women over size 12, 14 is pushing it.  He said 16 or higher is just gross. Awesome.  What a smart time to join a website, right?

Oy.  Does anyone have ANY suggestions or ideas as to how I can pull myself out of this slump?  Please reply, Any help or suggestions would be amazing.

A little bit o' pity

I'm a very optimistic, upbeat dreamer. I take after my father in that way, my family always lets me know that.  I don't regret it though, dreaming.  The only thing that I hate about being a dreamer is this:  The higher you dream the harder you fall, if you fall.  I hold myself to very high standards, so it can be really difficult to go through these "falls."  I went through one today, and it hurt...

This morning I woke up with a general feeling of 'blah.'  The puppy I'm house-sitting for woke me up at about 6am and I had to take care of the her, and the cats. At about 8:30 or 9 I fell back asleep, until noon.  I was so irritated that I slept so late, I was just feeling grumpy.  The only way that I can explain how I felt was told to me on Twitter today:

OneHotDiehl Christa Diehl 

@ 

@300toFinally140 As my husband says. Bad words and violence!!

Three months ago, I applied to a top 25 in US University. I have a 4.0 in 3 classes relating to my course of study, and an overall 3.5 GPA. I originally took a non-traditional route in school, then took a job that I thought would be a great career choice. Clearly not. I want to just stop what I am doing in life now and finish my BA, maybe get an MA. As an older student and a female with great letters of recommendation, I thought that I'd have a decent shot.

I went home to meet my roommate, see a movie and do dinner. I grabbed the mail on the way in and found two letters from the school. I was immediately devastated because they were letters and not packages you get when you get accepted. But, seeing that there were two I thought that maybe I was accepted and was given additional info.

I opened the first letter: standard rejection letter.  I opened the second letter: standard rejection letter. I got rejected twice. In the same day. At the same time? For the one spot I applied for??? ARE YOU FLIPPING KIDDING ME? Talk about deflating a balloon (aka my spirit!!!).

I cried, and tried to hide it from my roommate, she bought dinner and our movie, which was so nice.  I didn't count Weight Watchers points, but I doubt I went over, getting up late took care of that for me.

So anyway, here's the rest of my pity party, party of one. I have now totally brought out all of my angry feelings:  I'm hovering around 260ish still, as I've been for 4 weeks. The job that I am supposed to start was pushed so that I'm unemployed for another month. I'm lonely from the male/female relationship aspect, which always comes out around my birthday, which is in about a month.

I just want to feel these feelings and then let them go. I'm allowing myself to feel this pain. But I'll admit, I'm SO frustrated.. Annoyed. Angry. Hurt. Sad. Self-loathing. Feeling worthless. You name it... Ugh.

Tomorrow is another day. I'll start investigating new schools to go to, I'll work out tomorrow, because I have to, not because I want to... I'm human, and I know that this too, shall pass.