THE Moment...That Moment...The Moment of Clarity.

Stress. Anxiety. No caffeine. Depression. Irritation. Anger. Annoyance.  All here.  I told myself that when I turned 30, to put it bluntly I would "get my sh*t together".  It's been a few months and I still haven't done that much in my personal life.  I re-joined Weight Watchers and went to some meetings, but I haven't hit that 'moment' where you say "this is it. I need to change."   Two weeks ago I gave up caffeine and I feel like it was awful and terrible and yet a good thing to do for the long run.   Still, no visit from "the moment". 

My roommate and I planned yesterday to be the day we started cleaning out our apartment to move in a couple of months, as well as to clean out our fridge and begin anew with healthier eating and following WW.   As she works nights and sleep days, I did the trip to Costco for a few things.  On the way home I was thinking about my gym which I passed on the way home; I decided to go later that day and schedule an appointment with a personal trainer.  I need to strengthen my core, begin increasing my overall health. 

Upon my return home and ready for the day, I had some groceries and a purse in one hand, and as the elevator doors opened I leaned down to pick up (with my left hand) a huge package of toilet paper (on my right side) when I did the dreaded lift and twist; I felt it immediately.  Incredible pain throughout my lower back and upper butt area.  I struggled down the hall and dropped our stuff off inside the doorway to the apartment.  Putting weight on my left foot was like a knife being stuck in my left buttock and spine.

I went into my room immediately and laid down on my back with my knees up in an upside-down V.  I just kept repeating 'oh no, oh no, oh no.'  My mother, brother and sister have all had the same injuries: herniated or bulging discs.  My mother and brother required surgery and my sister required physical therapy…. Now I guess it's my turn.  I struggled to stand up, crying out as the pain was getting worse and I went into my roommate's room and woke her up so that she could take me to urgent care.  

As the Nurse that she is, she told me to stick an ice pack on it and take some ibuprofen and rolled over.  Within ten minutes I was in tears, hunched over a chair.  I had to use the bathroom, but sitting down caused intense pain.  My roommate got up and took me to urgent care and my doctor told me that it was most likely similar to my family's injuries.  The pain is mainly the soft tissue inflammation and it'll take a few days to go down. In a few days, I might start feeling better but might need physical therapy; if not at all by a week from now then I have to visit an orthopedic surgeon. 

I was sent home with pain killers, steroids and muscle relaxers.  On the way home from the urgent care all that I could think about was 'is this a sign? Is this the one that I've been waiting for?'  This is my warning sign.  "The moment" that I've been waiting for.  I'm so mad at this moment!  I have been on the couch or in bed for the last 30 hours.  I feel like a lump, especially as I have to take an extra day off of work this week, where I'm already struggling.  My stomach is again larger, I'm barely fitting into my clothes.  Is this it? 

I'm thirty years old and I've barely dated.  I have these amazing dreams and daydreams about climbing mountains and taking amazing pictures.  I think about running and rowing crew and playing soccer and skiing, roughhousing with my amazing boyfriend/husband, making out with him in a cottage in the countryside of England, sledding, playing in the snow.  I see pictures of me scuba diving in the tropics, and hiking in the highlands of Scotland.  In my daydreams I always have boundless energy and take incredible pictures. 

Caffeine gave me ten percent of that energy and I felt great for a few minutes here or there but I want it all of the time.  Quitting caffeine and making the changes that I need to make, will help.  But it's what I do with "the moment" that will decide my future.  What would you do in this situation? 

This I Believe, This I Deserve.

I love http://thisibelieve.org/  There are so many powerful essays that speak to so many different types of people.  I listened to a Jillian Michaels' podcast today, and as I mentioned in a prior blog, she asked the woman who called in to the show what she wanted, what she deserved in losing weight.  This is what I believe, this is what I deserve.

I believe that I am worth it. I believe in myself. I believe that I am intelligent, witty, kind, beautiful, and as many people have told me: the spark that lights up any room that I enter

This is a recent phenomenon for me, as before about a year ago I only sought acceptance and love from others. I cared more about what others thought of me than what I have thought of myself.  I always wanted to lose weight FOR so-and-so, BECAUSE so-and-so might love or appreciate me, IF xyz happened in my life, you name it, I excused it.  

In my teen and young-adult years, I always had adult men say things like "Oh, if I were only 5/10/20 years younger .... If we only met at the right time ... You'd have been my first choice if I wasn't already married, dating, there was no age difference, etc... Someone wonderful will come along for you..."  I have had experiences that I'd much rather forget, and I haven't met one man who truly cares enough about me or respects me enough to deserve me.

Now, I imagine Bob Harper & Jillian Michaels from The Biggest Loser (who, yes, I've put on a very tall pedestal) would say to me something along the lines of: "Cut the crap. What's blocking you? Get up, get moving, get over it!"  So, that's what I'm attempting. 

In the past year I have lost my job, lost nearly 40 pounds (that took at least 3 years to gain) and lost what I thought was my sanity, but what turned out to be the exact opposite. I lost some things that were holding me back, now I'm trying to shed the rest.  

For the future, this I deserve: 

• I deserve a body that matches my wonderful personality.

• I deserve a body and mind that work together, and not against one another. 

• I deserve unwavering self-confidence. 

• I deserve to live in a world where I am not fighting PTSD on an hourly or daily basis.

• I deserve to walk down a street and not feel judged, most of the judgement coming from within.

• I deserve to feel sexy and confident in a Little Black Dress.

• I deserve to walk into a store and pick out fashionable clothes, not flower print tops meant for the elderly.

• I deserve to feel love from a man, with a connection that I've never had, in a way that I've never loved.

• I deserve to love myself over all others, unselfishly and fiercely. 

This I believe: I am fighting a battle that will take a long time to win. I believe that I am strong enough to fight it, if I just continue to believe in myself and ask for help. I believe that I will have good days and bad days. I believe that although there are days that I will want to hide under my old fat-suit, but I know that it's an escape.  I believe that I will succeed, and that I will bring many people up with me. I want this, all of this I believe.

Instant expectations, eternal manifestations

"Frustration is the manifestation of over-expectations." - Samm Brown, Michael Jackson's old tour manager.

I am the Queen of many things: Sarcasm, short but powerful week-long stints at exercising, self-deprecating humor, amazing first two weeks of diets, dreaming, optimism, self-loathing, (iwishofEnglandalso,dangthatkatemiddleton,loveher,jealous!), retail therapy, going to the movies, I could go on.  I find that there are very few things that stick to me, because I feel like I am always running.

Read that last sentence carefully - I FEEL like I am always running. I can run, but only for about a minute to two at a time. I was in a class where Samm Brown was guest lecturing. I was in awe of what he said, which I'll say again: "Frustration is the manifestation of over-expectations."  My manifesto.

If there is anyone in the world who can make a mountain out of a molehill... I'm sheepishly raising my hand. I believe it was Jane Austen's Mr. Darcy who said this about a woman's mind: "it jumps from admiration to love, from love to matrimony, in a moment."  I do that with everything. I meet a man and within a moment I wonder if he'd be a good husband. I start a diet, or rather a lifestyle change, and within 30 seconds I am picturing myself at a US Size 6, holding hands and skipping through a sunny field of tall grass with Prince William, because he has seen how wonderful the size-6 me is. At size 6, I've become me, I'm not me at the version of myself that exists now. That last bit stopped upon the royal engagement - I bowed out of that crush gracefully ;) ..

But as usual, I digress. What Samm said to me six years ago sticks to me like glue.  I have a gastric bypass view of the world: A Biggest Loser expectation of my life - instant coffee, instant internet searches, nearly instant diet and exercise results. Hard work is incredible, I love working hard. I don't mean to even say that what the BL contestants do is instant, I know how hard they work. But, knowing that I have probably another year of really hard work on my own to even become who I want to be is SO frustrating.  I want to be the version of myself that I picture in my day-dreams and dreams, not the person who lives in this fragile shell.

Frustration envelopes me. I go to the gym, and after say, 400-800 calories of burn, I look in the mirror later and still see this disappointment.  I expect so much of the world that I turn people away, and I turn myself away because I detest myself.  Like I said the other day, Emotion vs. Intellect kicks in quite often. I don't really intellectually detest myself, but emotionally I'm not who I expected myself to be.  The 4 year-old version of me expected that I'd have a string of men who would want to court me, one of whom would become my fairy-tale husband with whom I'd have 2 or 4 wonderful children, a lovely old home, and a level of importance within the society around me.  I expected to make a difference and a huge change in the world, but I can't find a way to change myself..

Right now the late-20s version of me is like an insane person, constantly turning back the clock and asking the younger me what I was thinking, asking where I went wrong!?  Why am I not who I expected, how can I meet my expectations, and why is this all so important to me?