Oops, I did it again

I have kind of had a reminder-breakthrough.  Well neither of those, really.  Have you ever had a moment where you have this 'epiphany,' only it's not an epiphany but something that you've been telling yourself for years, that you keep hearing and finally HEARD?  I had one of those tonight.

I eat a lot at nights when I'm alone.  Food has been my companion, my love, my best and at sometimes only friend.  It's been like this since I was probably 6 or 7 years old.  I found a picture from 3rd grade that was of me in a bathing suit, and good golly did I look engorged.  I transfered from a school with a small, safe learning environment and community to a public school in the beginning of third grade.  I was the outcast, the weirdo. I didn't raise my hand before going to the bathroom because I never had to before. I didn't know the lingo, didn't have the friends that my other classmates did.  I was such a social butterfly and have always been so, but that was tough when everyone thought you were strange.

I was bullied at home by my older brother. I remember hiding food, saying "I only had one cookie" when it was clear that I had eaten with fervor one half of a package of cookies.  Even now for example, tonight I bought some cookies for me and my roommate and I had five of them; I had this plan in my head to tell my roommate that I only had three.  She worked tonight, so even though my bank accounts and credit cards have a total of less than $100 in them, I chose to spend $22 on the same delivery calzone and mozzarella sticks that I had last night(!!). Even more embarrassingly, I went grocery shopping today and have plenty of semi-decent food to eat.

School was hell until I went to Catholic school when I was 15; and I hated it after that, still. I went to 'fat camp' the summer between 5th and 6th grade, and at camp right after I turned 11 I had my first kiss.  I thought I was the coolest girl in the world. I'd bet half the girls in school hadn't been kissed! Take that Kelly, Hillary, Caitlin and Caitlin, and whatever the hell else your bloody names are. After fat camp, it was a new middle school.  I survived in 6th grade - at 24 pounds thinner, people noticed me. The weight piled back on though, and I reverted back to the social butterfly-turned-pariah that I'd become.

From ages 8-14 I was bullied, never asked to dance at a school dance, laughed at when I did the asking.  I was so depressed when even the geekiest and those who were considered the strangest guys in my grade wouldn't dance with me in middle school. I based my self-worth on the fact that I couldn't get a 'boyfriend' (aka someone who would hold hands at recess, or sit with me at lunch).  There was a girl in my grade who had been heaver than I was, had frizzier hair than I did; we both were blessed with curly hair during the mid-90s (read: frizzy hell).  She kind of liked the same boy I did. I asked him out to selfishly prove to myself that I could get a boyfriend; he accepted and we were together for a whole two days.  It is still the longest relationship that I've ever been in. They ended up dating for the rest of 7th grade and most of 8th.

To offer an understanding as to the power that I give men: in seventh grade my entire public school class went on an environmental retreat, where we learned about nature and were supposed to have bonded.  My crush of one year (and still for another year until he moved in 8th grade) was on the trip and we ended up in line (yeah not by accident, it was puppy love!) for dinner together. I'd wanted to be a vegetarian for a year, but couldn't do it. I asked him 'why aren't you getting a burger?' and he responded (swoon!!) 'I'm a vegetarian.'  My response: 'yeah, me too.'  That was nearly 16 years ago and I'm still a vegetarian.  That was probably our longest conversation..

Due to severe bullying during my freshman year at public school I nearly died.  I won't say how or go into details, but it was terrible.  I was punched in the face when I tried to confront a friend-turned-bully.  After defending myself we were both suspended.  My one and only fight.  Girls taunted me or laughed at me to my face and behind my back.  It was hell.  I turned into one of those goth kids, fell in with the wrong crowd, and smoked a half-pack of marlborough reds until my brother stole them and beat up the guy who bought them for me. I didn't have many friends after that; my brother's reputation was known around my town.

I went to Catholic school during my second freshman grade year (the idea of a nun, and a decision which haunts and beats me up still yet) and found solace in the drama and music departments, but the bullying changed from mostly students to a few stupid girls and the teachers and faculty.  I am not Catholic, and they never let me live it down. I always felt, again, like an outcast.  I kind of had some crazy moments also, some of which were caused by others and that I reacted to, some were due to my brother's teasing, and some were just my own teenage angst.  Fast forward (quickly please) thirteen and-a-half years and here I sit.

I've endured bullying from home (until a few years ago when my brother and I unofficially made a truce), bullying from boys, being punched in the back of the head for sitting on the wrong seat on the school bus, severe bullying at work as an adult, an abusive mentor-mentee relationship, sexual harassment, sexual assault, compulsive eating ED treatment, the loss of a precious job that I look back on and shudder and I sit completely in my own mind and feeling crazy.  There's this feeling of never being good enough.  My brother called me a man-hater until a few years ago and still gives me the vibes that he thinks I am one.  It's not that, but maybe he's not exactly far off.

I'm in this state of constant underlying gentle anxiety. Does that make sense? It's not to the point where my heart is pounding and I feel nauseous, but it's there, like an old frienemy. Sitting on my shoulder, ready to take over when I need someone to, ready to cause me pain and then offer me a solace to which I always turn: food.  So tonight, after my calzone, mozzarella sticks and five cookies, I topped the night off with a bowl of ice cream (taking some from each quart, so that my roommate wouldn't notice as much) with chocolate chips on top.

I went on a date with a guy I met on match.com during my brief membership in 2006.  I lost almost ten pounds in the month leading up to our date - I wasn't hungry at night.  I remember being so excited, because I just felt better - we talked a lot, I was looking forward to talking to him instead of eating blindly at night.  He was a complete weirdo, so that one date was our last, but again I turned to food. From 2004 until 2011 I'm pretty sure I gained 90 pounds.  I'm down 40 pounds at this point, but I know it won't be long if I continue this trend.

I hate reading comments on articles where people say "fat people would be thin if they didn't eat so much".  Thanks a-hole, I never thought about that.  It's more than that, it's just like anorexia or bulimia except for your eating disordered brain tells you to do the opposite. This night-time eating thing is for the birds. I'm so sick of it, both physically and emotionally.  I'll beat it, but I feel like I'm traveling this dusty road alone - no one can pick me up from this, I'm the only one who can stop myself.  I wish it were easier.

Stay safe, enjoy your holidays.

What a change...

So, one would think that going to one of the largest and most incredible, populated, busy cities in the world would create a strong desire to work out like crazy and eat healthily.  Well, I thought I ate healthy. I made it a point to walk no less than 15 blocks north at lunch before I ate lunch and turned around to walk 15 more blocks, so that I would get some exercise.  In the evenings I walked between 15-40 blocks before turning around also.  I calculated it and I walked between about 3-6 miles per day.

I ate salads and hummus, made sure to get fruit salad almost every day, ate few "bad" foods, although I ate out for every meal.  I tried to eat at healthy, local and fresh-food serving restaurants and did fairly well, but I do know that I made some poor choices. So, I didn't lose weight. In fact, when I started this new job I was 256 pounds. This morning I was 260 pounds. This was in two weeks.  Travel days were the worst - I have a history of traveling and eating in train stations and airports, eating pretty much crap.  Well, in three weeks I had 6 very long travel days. I know I ate poorly on each of those days.

I feel bloated, gross, lethargic, depressed. I don't feel like I did when I was unemployed but exercising super regularly, eating homemade foods.  This training that I've been in is nine hours long, with a one hour lunch.  By the time I get back to my hotel (after working and walking) I've been up for about 13-15 hours, and I just don't feel like jumping on the elliptical or treadmill, or even doing 20 minutes of weights.

It's horrible to say aloud how much this job is making me miserable so far.  I was made to feel really uncomfortable (by the way of sexual harassment) by someone in a higher up position (whom I will not work with other than the work that has already happened).  I met someone from another location who was an absolute D-BAG, who made the weeks suck even more by putting everyone (me) down to make him/herself seem super awesome and amazing.

I applied to a university today. I hope I get in and can afford to go. I really want to go to school full-time and maybe work part-time.  I want a job that I love, or at least look forward to going to each day.

I can't believe that I've turned such a corner, and for the worse. A month ago I was feeling okay, feeling like I was doing well or at least tolerantly well with weight loss. I honestly expected myself to be 10-12 pounds less by now than I currently weigh.

Also, my sister joined an online dating site last week and convinced me to do it, so I did it today. Then I read an article where a man said that he won't date women over size 12, 14 is pushing it.  He said 16 or higher is just gross. Awesome.  What a smart time to join a website, right?

Oy.  Does anyone have ANY suggestions or ideas as to how I can pull myself out of this slump?  Please reply, Any help or suggestions would be amazing.

The Biggest Loser & Emotion vs Intellect.

Tap tap microphone, is this thing on....?

I've been watching this Biggest Loser season like it should be a weekly trip to church. I've watched it off-and-on for years. I took ahold of my life this year and came to terms with what I wanted and needed to do with weight loss and just connected with this season's cast. Hannah and Olivia and Irene: these girls blow me away.

I honestly couldn't connect with Irene in the beginning -- they didn't show her as a prominent contestant, she seemed like a background character..  She is coming out of her shell and I feel like I really relate to her. Tonight when Irene was saying the stuff that she was to Jillian, I so connected with that.

Olivia and Hannah.  These two ladies have been my favorites from day 1. Some nights I watched solely for their wit and comments. I connected with them.  I have a sister I'm extremely close to, and Hannah and Olivia seem like our type of sibling-team. So, I hope that one of these three ladies wins the ranch challenge.

I have a problem. I can logically sit and think 'this is wrong, don't do this' but emotionally I am not able to reign myself in or stop myself from doing xyz, whether it be eating too much, secretly eating an extra portion of something, skipping the gym, etc.  I think that this is why I emotionally eat: instead of connecting emotions with what I'm intellectually thinking, I eat those feelings. compressing them to where I can't feel what I'm doing.

I feel like I have that same problem with emotionally connecting my intellect with my self-worth.  Intellectually I will sit here and tell you that I'm amazing, strong, talented, smart, funny and maybe even beautiful.  Emotionally, I can't connect those things, and therefore don't LIVE them... Like, I KNOW them but I don't truly BELIEVE them.  I'm sure once I lose more weight some of the emotion will connect, as I SEE myself actually looking like who I want to be, but I don't know if that is enough.

I started at 300 pounds in November, down to 290.6 on January 1st.  I've been in the 260s since March 20th. I lost from 0.8 to 3.8 pounds weekly. On April 17 my weigh-in was +1.6 and April 24 was -3.8. Weighing myself again this morning, I'm back up a couple of pounds. I'm looking at ways to combat this hugely plateau, have reached out on twitter, received a few ideas by e-mail and by looking online.  The thing that I need to figure out, is HOW do I beat my emotion?  How can the intellect go to combat with the emotion and make the emotion a believer?  If you've read this far, let me know your thoughts! ARGH!!!