Feeling like a marshmellow

Two months ago I posted my last post to-date.  I stopped going to the gym about two weeks after that, fell into many old habits (what's that saying about old habits dying hard?), became depressed...  A month ago and last week are two specific days that are important to me, but are really difficult.  They're pertaining to an anniversary of a death and a birthday of said person's death.  Mystery aside, they're really tough every year and they have been for the past seven years. 

The job I'm in now also doesn't allow me to take off any time between now and January, which when your family is around 400 miles away makes for a terrible holiday season.  I can't figure out how to break the cycle that I am back in.  I want to change again, I want to re-take my body back over, I want to become myself again.  I'm still paying off my training sessions, so I will have those to go back to, but I'm just in a funk. 

I've thought about diaries, but I honestly hate them. I log into MyFitnessPal every day, but rarely post anything. I try to use it to motivate myself, but at this point nothing is motivating me. I watch the Biggest Loser every week, and love seeing the contestants do so well. At the same time, I feel gross when contestants who weighed more than me now weigh less. To top it all off, I've gained around 4-5 pounds and just feel lethargic all of the time. 

Any suggestions?  Thoughts? Ideas? Share here or on twitter: @300toFinally175.  I'm hoping for a Bob Harper style mental ass-kicking, or at least something that changes my mindset!  Help! Thanks.