For as long as I can remember, I have made up vivid little scenarios in my head that I'd like to see happen. Sometimes it starts with a daydream and then becomes an all out scenario. Sometimes it's just an escape for me, from the drudgery of my day-to-day existence. For example:
I might see a super-good looking guy in person and then daydream myself thinner and dating him. That daydream turns into picturing my dream house that I'd remodel, us in our king-size bed with flowing curtains looking out over a large lawn with perfect grass and our two or three dogs running around the back yard. The detail in my daydreams is somewhat frightening. I can picture my night-stand, the books on it, the books on his night stand, the paint on our walls, you name it. I dream at night like this too - often awakening to the thought of "where am I?", being confused as to why I'm not awake in my new house.
One of my longest going mock-scenario-daydreams has been that I'm a terrific dancer. I'm talking Heather Morris from Glee talented. I have many quasi-secrets and daydreams regarding dancing. The first and probably oldest is that I am wonderful at ballroom dancing, and can perform dances like the waltz, foxtrot and tango. I picture myself like Princess Diana, dancing in fancy gowns, amazing jewelry, terribly uncomfortable shoes. They become more modern as I've aged. I am not generally a hip-hop dancer fan, and holy crap anything that Glee puts out I dream about being involved with. I have this secret dream that the creators of Glee will put out a series of exercise videos, with sections for beginning, intermediate and experienced dancers. It's something that I could really get into and sweat to. It would encourage me to lose weight. Also, it's probably a cash cow, because people love that show! <Glee plug over>
I don't know what these scenario-daydreams are about, or even when they got started - I don't have them all of the time, sometimes once a day, or twice if I'm feeling lonely or anxious. I was relatively active as a kid, but was teased and beat up (emotionally, mentally and occasionally physically) throughout my childhood, so turned to food and gave up activity. I even had my parents tell me things like 'this sport is going to be too competitive in high school, you won't be able to compete at that level.' I have a feeling they were trying to protect me from the pain of failing a tryout, or the inability to attend meets and travel games due to a lack of familial finances at the time, but I'll never know if I could have competed at that level. I always felt second best, second rate, second class. It was almost in a sense...engrained in me.
I have this intellectual side that says that the dreams are probably a way for me to feel normal and what I picture others' lives like; an escape from my day-to-day life. A lot of times I know that these things are just things that I want. Having PTSD, I find myself reverting to these scenarios when I'm feeling vulnerable or anxious. After an assault that I went through, for some time I found that they were nearly all bad scenarios: picturing myself bloody, traumatized, beaten up, etc. Then they turned back to 'normal' or desirous. The emotional side of me feels childish, doesn't want them to stop; I feel more whole in them because in them I get what I want. It's like an imagination-based 'Second Life' game (which by the way, freaks me out and I find creepy).
Part of me feels trapped, like they are a security blanket from the PTSD. I know that I can be happy when I escape into my inner-mind: in love with my "boyfriend", thin, happy, athletic. None of these scenarios currently exist in real life. I sometimes wonder if I'm too scared to find them in real life because I'll be disappointed by what I find, as I've created such a tall pedestal upon which my expectations sit. I hope that this doesn't make me come off as crazy. I can absolutely discern the fact from fiction, and know that when I daydream or create a scenario, it's not real; I start or stop them at any given moment. Hmm, I don't know. Maybe I'll find a way to eventually make some of my dreams a happy reality!
